Monday, December 29, 2008
1. Put up curtains in the bedroom so I can sleep better.
2. Fall asleep first and earlier so that my sleep is better.
3. Get up earlier to at least go for a walk, if not a run or an early morning class (once $ evens out).
4. Create a financial plan and stick to it. Trust is that plan and stop the day to day worrying once the day to day stuff is handled.
5. Start saving.
6. For every 2 hours I work, take a 10 to 15 minute break.
7. Draw, write, or create in some way everyday.
8. Walk away when I need to.
9. Spend time training Odysseus.
10. Take more photographs.
11. Clean out clothes and other possessions for a yard-sale or donation to clear up the house.
12. Consume more raw foods.
13. Find a way to get back on all of my meds.
14. Join an online support group.
15. Stop Calling people names ... even in my head.
16. Stop threatening people and things.
17. Stop punching walls. (Pretty sure my knuckle is damaged)
18. Socialize more -- if the given situation involves more money than I'm willing to spend, suggest alternatives instead of giving up.
19. Make a list of 5 things that I'm grateful for everyday.
20. Explore the things I want to explore, regardless of what category they fall into.
21. Don't stop being honest and open, just do it in a nicer way.
22. Take time after work (or when needed) to decompress. Insist on it, if you have to.
23. Indulge in foods that taste good without feeling the guilt. Deprivation doesn't work.
24. Wear my glasses, even at home - it eliminates some headaches.
25. Take some time to dress the way I want to. Even if that means sewing the clothes I want.
26. Tell him everyday why and how I love him.
27. Be proud.
28. Reach out to old friends.
29. Make new ones.
30. Explore more of Tallahassee.
31. Cook at least one new recipe a month (a week?)
32. Don't indulge in self deprecation.
33. Learn to crochet
34. Mandalas (I should pre-draw some circles for work time)
35. Learn new knitting stitches.
37. Revamp my etsy store/store brand
38. Try freelance photography or design work
39. Work on centering and grounding.
40. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.
41. Taking a mental health day is not a crime.
42. Be a "duck in water"
43. Breathe, breathe, and breathe again
44. Notice the details and embrace them.
45. Make and utilize to-do lists.
46. Ask about sliding scales for payments for various places.
47. Sketch freely and without such shame.
48. Let go of things.
50. Give good hugs.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
I ate breakfast this morning. I know it's what you're supposed to do, but not only do I feel bad for spending a little bit of money on it, but also feel bad for eating. I am ready to cry and it's just now 9 am. Can I go home and start again? Maybe by deciding to sleep forever?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
On another note NY in like a little under 48hrs. OMFG!!! I'm going to freeze but that's fine. We're going to amazing places, staying with a friend, and hoping like hell my camera holds up. Plus we NEED a vacation and I haven't taken a real one since I was like 12. I didn't really sleep much last night getting ready for this show today. I'm a bit terrified, honestly. Only my second show and I'm by myself. At least last time I was surrounded by family and fiancé. Well he wasn't then, but whatev. I really didn't sleep last night and I'm not anticipating alot of sleep tonight and not really any on Friday night. It's messing with my head. I know I'm totally capable of functioning on little sleep but still .... right now i'm dragging. And should be working. Yay! for Etsy sales though. Hopefully can find time to pour some candles and soaps tonight. Doubtfull with needing to pack and all. And the show. Hmmm maybe not.
Monday, December 8, 2008
We'll do it all
On our own
We don't need
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Can somone please just put my self-esteem out of its misery?
Friday, December 5, 2008
My biggest fear is that I've lost everyone else from back then. I know it's not true, but it feels DAMN close to that when I let myself think about it. So in reality I just don't think about it. But thanks Facebook, thanks.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Is it that they make you more able
in this disunion of junk?
So what, ya know, so what if I'm a girl who likes to dress like a boy occasionally and sometimes likes to fuck like one too? So what if i'm just a plain jane girl who doesn't give a shit about feminist politics, likes to be used for pleasure and could care less what's between your legs? And you know what? I don't think of it as dressing like a boy. I think of it as dressing like me. So fuck all thes damn labels. So what if I want long hair that curls and a month later I want a faux-hawk. It doesn't mean i'm "butching" it up. I find that offensive. It means I want a change in my hair.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
So I'm a really angry, violent, abusive, harsh, button-pushing person. I read people quickly enough to know how to anger them, probably before I know how to please them. It's disgusting. It's, personality-wise, the most disgusting thing about me. I used to hide it well. I'd only take it out on myself and when, on the rare occasion, it manifested outwardly it was written off as being teenage-rebellion -- isn't it nice how people make excuses for you? As an adult, it's become not so easy to hide and not so easy to excuse. I'd like to say I just need to learn to think before I speak, but it's not that. Hate me yet? (yeah, me too) It's deliberate and targeted. It comes out when I feel like I'm losing control. The fights that I've had that have turned physical have been my doing. I have pushed them to that level. It's gross. Seriously if i knew what part of the brain controlled this, I'd have a partial lobotomy. I find it really hard to control because it is such an obvious way for me to reclaim control: to cause a reaction. It's very similar to why I injure myself sometimes - the need to be in complete control. Control is a huge thing for me. I feel out of control (or like I'm losing control) when I feel unstable, unusually emotional, excessively needy, incompetent, overwhelmed, vulnerable, weak, like I'm about to lose something or someone important because of my own actions *that's a HUGE one*, and I feel out of control when I feel like I can't control myself. Like when I can see myself become this emotional snowball rolling towards everyone and everything in my life. So alot of my thoughts center around maintaining control over myself and my situation, lately that seems nearly impossible which makes me feel more out of control and this really sick cycle has developed and I HAVE/NEED/MUST break it. There's this theory about separating your rational mind from your emotional mind and the rational mind *accepts* and i think i need to apply this in this situation. (this is getting less coherent because i am getting tired, but i've needed to write like i needed to breathe)
I also seemingly fly off the handle and get angry or blow up at seemingly little things. Well they're not so little in my head. The long and the short of it is that I can't/don't/won't (don't know which yet) let go of little things and eventually little things build to huge massive beasts of things that would make normal people get mad and throw things or scream or some similar vice. Maybe an example? (this is related to black and white thinking as well) Okay so I've been having some cognitive problems since the overdose and I'm not sure if they're related to the new meds or the overdose itself or whatever. So I have trouble finding the right word say at like 9am, somethign I used to pride myself on (words). Lets say at 9:30am I fill out the estimate column incorrectly and the account manager gets really pissed off and comes to inform me that it's wrong. Great, been at work less than an hour and already failed twice. Yes, to me those are both failures. See above: failure = loss of control over myself = freak out. This early and this small is probably contained inward, maybe I think (if i'm letting myself cut) that it's probably time for a cut or two (small ones) as punishment/focal points to recenter myself. Whatever, day progresses. Later I spill soup on myself (think gross=slob=failure to maintain satisfactory appearance/appear in control). That'd probably stay to a tear or two hidden nicely in the bathroom while I tried to wash the soup out. If i was already feeling rough and was in a place where I was letting myself feel this way, I'd think I didn't deserve the soup and find a way to get it out of my system. (**for real, i'm not sure why i'm putting this out here, but I'm not exaggerating and I'm sort of freaking out writing about this with this much honesty**) So even say idk two hours later some other work minor (from an outside perspective) malfunction ... missed shipping date or something else that sends an account manager looking to switch to a different production person because they beleive that i don't have enough experience to handle their projects. Super failure on my part (feeling incompetent = being incompetent = failing at job = freaking out about losing job = SNOWBALL). So I can probably keep that tucked away while I manage the minicrisis and keep busy and interacting with people to avoid nuclear meltdown. So the day continues, I snap at the bf over IM or on the phone (think: Failure to set aside work, failure to be a good SO, failure to love, failure to be normal, failure to find a positive framework, failure to continue any good any year of therapy has had, failure to be a human, failure to be positive, failure to maintian relationship THINK: eventually he's going to get tired of me and this bullshit and the awful way i treat him WHILE THINKING secretly he sees through to the needy vulnerablity and fear of losing him) Yeah it's fuuuuuuuucked up. Driving home lets say, he seems distant I blame myself for his mood, fear that it will get worse and i'll still be the cause (have i mentioned how selfish I am?) and start thinking the same failure thoughts above. Then lets say we get home and I burn part of dinner and snap that I don't want to do the dishes. (THINK: I suck at everything in life and will never be any good at anything domestic or related to other people THINK: maybe some people are just meant to be alone THINK: I'm such an awful person I deserve to be alone...). So then say two hours or so later I'm crafting and I slip with a stamp and it prints smudged. *!*!*!BAM!*!*!*! (Stay with me - it's gonna get bad, paranoid, selfish and dangerous) THOUGHT TRAIN: I'm such a fucking failure I'm stressing myself out with the one thing that's supposed to destress me right now > I'm such a moron I would normally be able to do this if I could think clearer about what I was doing > I'm a stupid shit for taking all those pills and this is life's way of reminding me not only that I failed yet again at ending my own life, but also that I took all of them > I'm failing at everything and it's only a matter of time before I completely lose control and really flip out in public and then everyone knows how nuts I really am > he already knows how nuts I really am or at least has an idea and it's only a matter of time before he realizes what a failure he's fallen in love with and... (i'm so sorry if you're reading this anyone). [*it gets worse but I think that's as logically as I can take it right now*] By this time i'm probably screaming and have most likely thrown something or punched myself in the head (no joke). Every stored failure from the day or maybe even the week or the month or whatever has slammed down on me in a matter of seconds and I've completely lost control. Which makes it worse. I have to stop here. I'm so tired I can't see straight anymore.
I do have to say that writing this down like this makes it really easy to see the flaws, but i've really started to have this brainstorm of ideas of ways I can manage this during the day and when i get home every day. wow. that sounds cliche and like a huge shift but I'm serious. thank god or whatever. I just don't want to forget while I sleep tonight. *crossed fingers toes, etc*
I do want to work backwards through this at some point. There's more to do too. Lots of course. I really wish i could i dont even knwo. I'm crying again and really overwhelmed. I'm a mess. Ugh.
I made the decision to die. I had, in all honesty, made it before that night and maybe even before that week. Despite not believing in much if any afterlife, death hasn't really scared me. I was waiting until I had time alone and until I felt the bottom. Sort of like when you jump in the deep end for the first time. You trust fully that your feet will eventually hit the bottom, so you close your eyes and wait during the descent. When I found that bottom or what I had decided was sufficietly low enough, I went home and cleaned up the house bit. I put the groceries away, fed the animals and began writing a letter. Oddly, didn't think of it as a suicide note until very close to the end of the page. It probably would've been different, had I thought of it that way. I had just become accustomed to writing out my thoughts when my voice failed me for one of many reasons. I started taking pills. Then stopped for while to shower and cut myself. I took apart a pencil sharpener for the blades, a usefull/less skill I learned in highschool. I was feeling pretty desperate though, so I used pliers instead of taking the time to find a screw driver. I came back to the bed after the shower and cut myself even more. I was terrified and amazed and sickened by the amount of anger and damage I was unleashing upon myself. I can't actually get rid of that short video in my head. It strikes without warning and is responsible for seemingly random tears and nausea.
After sort of cleaning myself and the surrounding areas, I decided that I wasn’t feeling the effects of the pills I had taken so I grabbed the rest. Literally everything I could find, except oz’s meds and some vitamins. A slight panic had started somewhere in my head, but to squash it, I swallowed faster. I remembered that the last time I was taken to the hospital for an overdose the first thing the doctor had said to me was “thank god you didn’t take advil”. So I made sure I did, along with several boxes of several forms of cold medicine all containing acetaminophen. And then, as far as I can remember I laid down to go to sleep like any night that I was sleeping alone. Oz came in, to change, I think or grab a jacket and I spoke, and slurred my words. And he knew something wasn’t right. From that point on things get hazy as far as details and timelines until sometime in the ICU Sunday evening. There was a lot of charcoal and vomiting. Lots of IVs and nurses. I overheard some awful comments about how they shouldn’t even bother to clean the cuts since I obviously wanted them or how pointless it was to help someone who was a “repeat offender”. In the next few hours I started to hate myself for giving in and going to the hospital, for quitting and for not ripping the IVs out and for taking the charcoal. I regretted that Oscar had to find me like that. To come home to that. And thought of all sorts of other ways things could’ve happened that could’ve been easier on him, from my perspective at least. The thing I find strange is that one, maybe 2 people have asked “why?”. Maybe it’s obvious. Maybe no one thinks it’s any of their business. Maybe they’re like some of the people I’ve talked to and they feel like it’s not a very important detail. I had reached a point where I was damn tired of struggling through everyday just to function. Tired of feeling like everything I did was wrong and everything I touched would fail. Like things would never change and never better. Tired of feeling useless and unable to help anyone around me. Tired of feeling like the things that I wanted to accomplish were pointless and would never happen. Hopeless, fat, useless, and like the only thing I could do was cause pain to those around me. Unfortunately I can’t say those beliefs are gone given the turmoil that I still feel exists because of me. Yes it was and is extremely selfish. But I’ve discovered more and more lately that that word describes me fairly accurately. So, inpatient time led to new diagnoses and new labels and new things that are harder to wrap my head around. I’m having a very hard time feeling like in a matter of weeks I have gone from being capable of dealing with just depression and anxiety to being overwhelmed by very simple day to day tasks. How is it that with a supposedly corrected diagnosis, meds, and a different type of therapy I’m missing more work, failing to repair relationships, and have hurt myself and nearly everyone around me even more than before?
It’s hard to keep my head up, to be honest.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
called and ... I think I just found the straw that's breaking this
camel's back. It's not even really a big deal but on top of everything
I want to work a full day, seriously i want to. And I need to $$ wise.
And tomorrow too because Wed I won't be able to be in because of all
the appointments. I wish I could go get a haircut. So at least I
wouldn't feel like I looked like crap.
I'd like to go do this stupid show this weekend, but there's money for
gas to get down there.
My stomach is really upset.
This sucks so bad. I just want to scream into an abyss -- Garden State
If i'm going to do the show, I need to decide tonight and get
everything tagged, priced, and build some sort of display something or
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I don't think i've taken the time to properly wrap my head around the new diagnoses and what they really mean in the long-term life sense and the daily sense. Some more things are explained by them, but several new questions and problems have arisen. I need to do some reading to really understand all three (four?) and how they work together and what that means for me and how or what i need to change or adjust to better my life. It's been waaaaaaaaaay harder than i imagined to get back into "normal" life. I'm scared and a wreck.
Friday, November 7, 2008
My poster for TWLOHA day. Next week.
Write it on your arms, live it in your life, speak it in your words.
Maple, Independence of Mind
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and
reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences,
sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily,
complicated love life, wants to impress.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I went on this great run tonight. All the way to airport road and back in less than 11 minutes, but then i came back and ATE the like huge fatty I am.
So .... I really could use a drink. But my i'm told my liver is still recovering and alcohol isn't a good idea. The less I'm able to drink the more I realize how close I was to addiction. That's not what fucked up my liver, btw. The massive overdose of basically emptying the medicine cabinet into my stomach was responsible for that. Spent a week in the hospital. 2 full days in ICU, one in the ER. My work lied for me and said i had mono. I'm not doing alot better, to be honest. Okay let me clarify ... i'm a wreck. I packed my bags last night for the hospital again and was ready to go back, but decided to get work stuff in order and i'm waiting for tomorrow's appt. I'm exhausted by telling people at work that i'm still feeling tired or whatever since they ask about teh mono. I'm terified i'll flip and just scream the truth. I don't feel comfortable being on my own. I don't want to be alone. I don't trust myself. I have to listen to songs i can sing to and really really focus on the words to be an okay driver. As in not wishing and praying for another car to run a redlight or something similar. I have an appointment each day for the next two days. My boss and I had a very very good and very very candid conversation when I finally came back to work. And I appreciate that and it even pointed out things i had missed as signs, but work is still really difficult. I went back for half days at first. I have appointments the next two days, but I'm very seriously considering going back inpatient (could you maybe come visit if that happens and i'm having a day where i'd like to see someones?). I left the hospital with two new diagnosis (of course one I argue with a bit) but they're hard to wrap my head around and hard to handle and are actually making this harder to deal with in some ways. This attempt was so different for me than all of the ones in the past. And so has my return to "normal" society. I'm really not sure I belong here. One of my biggest goals was to reach out to people more and use my support system and in some ways I have really done that, mainly by being more honest, but i have really failed at that as well. I've let myself reach to really bad habits and i swear it's almost an addiction. I haven't made it a day without it. But I'm here, so .... balance i guess. I tried being very very honest with my mother. We went shopping because i admitted to my weight gain and hinted at the reasons behind it. While we were shopping, I detailed the 40+lbs i've gained since sophmore year of college. And what I weigh now. Now, there's part of my brain that says she should be able to do the math and realize that that meant i was 117lbs fully clothed (@5'9") and not tell me that maybe I should start watch what i eat. That was discouraging. Whatever. I'm a horrible partner. I am mean as all get out. I fight dirty and I need to seriously need to work on it or I'm going to lose everyone. This is discouraging and not bringing me comfort or peace of mind. I'm going to abandon this for now. There's a meme below for whatever reason i found it and did it at work. I realy want to sit down and be honest about alot of things. I'm tried of trying to remember who knows what and what lies to tell and what things to not mention and worrying about who i scare the shit out of and ugh. Whatever. Pity party for one now ending for now. How am I supposed to do this?
I wonder where the other few went below?
10. Marriage is: in the future.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking: sleeping with many people. at once.
12. I'll always be: unstable.
13. I have a secret crush on: my boyfriend. shhhh.
14. The last time I cried was because: i was thinking I should head back to the hospital.
15. My cell phone: is really just a texter.
16. When I wake up in the morning: i try to get the animals off of the bed.
17. Before I go to sleep at night: i try not to break apart
18. Right now I am thinking about: losing some poundage
19. Babies are: very attentive to my sweetpea
20. I get on myspace: when i feel isolated.
21. Today: has been a hard hard day.
22. Tonight I will: craft with erin and maybe work on a lil thing we're cookin up.
23. Tomorrow I will: try to only cry 4 times. And stay away from sharps.
24. I really want: to not be nauseated.
25. The person who means the most to me in the world right now: my big bad wolf.
So yay for obama! (i cried a little) And a nice big middle finger to the 3% of floridian voters who made up the 3% that pushed Amendment 2 over the 60% needed. (i sobbed)
How am i going to do this? Seriously.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
On a completely different note:
I'm browsing the internet to avoid two things. 1) the pile of tasks that I have assigned myself for this weekend and 2) the looming avalanch of memories and guilt and regret and pain and feelings of missing people. I think i'm even a little homesick.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Hopefully I'll get back to this post later this evening, the puppy is whinning to go out.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
*and now for something entirely different*
Sometimes, it's great working for a place that is so open and out. At times, as with any subject, there's these little things that happen that are hard to handle and make me wince. While I'm appreciative that people are being open and non-judgemental, I'm not so sure that they realize that they're still passing judgement and even being a bit closed minded within that. Don't get me wrong, I love that by working here I've held on to a decent bit of my non-straight identity that I fought, worked, and struggled to create. And i can recognize that these itty-bitty irks are even sometimes comical, but i still get that studio-audience "ohhhh" and feel a little snag in my breath at occasional comments. "But he's not a ... i mean he's not interested right?" "But you, you don't look like you're, like a ..." At least they have the sense to stammer, right?
alright, now i'm totally distracted and work's getting too overwhelming.
The time stamp is off when I post from this computer .. how weird! I've got tons of windows open on my computer and haven't had time to read through or look at most of them so I thought i'd post them here to share/remember:
The Long Thread's Make it Monday
Neither Hip nor Funky
Paper and Stitch
How about Orange and one of her Flickr sets
Super Eggplant Simple Bags
Basic Green Box
Sew Mama Sew
The Charm Lady
There are a couple things that I really need to complete ASAP:
1. ACEO for swap
2. another matchbox for a swap
3. Photo editing!!!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Ignore me, take in the sky out the window, the intricate silhouettes, and the beautiful blue out there. (Sorry for the lack-luster photo it's taken from the camera on my spiffy new work computer)
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
We were talking about this Sunday night and into the early hours of monday morning and maybe it's just those darn hormones but wow this amazing blog seriously stirs up some maternal instincts. Beautiful writing and absolutely stunning photographs!
Aprons! Okay so this really is for Erin and Oz, but everyone can appreciate the subtle sexiness of aprons. Thanks angry chicken!
SWAPS!!! Many of you know that my newest addiction is swapping. There's a good variety of them out there. Who doesn't love snail mail? I'm mailing out my movie swap this afternoon. I hope to finish up my "My Favorite Things" swap package tonight and get it in the mail in the next two days. (hope you're excited Anne!!) Finished my matchbooks for a matchbox swap
via Swap-bot. (This one looks exciting ... if you can see it without an acct) Slowly trudging through my 100 positive affirmations swap, but there's time. Also doing an xmas cookie swap.
Wow, some serious ADD (or mania, ya know could be either) just kicked in at the same time that like 15 bazillion things needed to get done and I'm going to have to revisit this post later because i just made a to-do-list that included lists that I needed to make.
Well, looks like this is going to have to be a three-edit post. So much for blogging at work *sigh*. Ahem. anyways.
More links before i try to work:
Some favs from Etsy:
okay okay work now and later: swap-bot, etsy convos, headache meds (hopefully), cupcake photos, craftroom organization, photoshoot invite, organization, simplicity, and publicity, to name a few. As well as calling for a haircut, the bank, and mom back.
Hue Test ( I didn't do so hot)
I really don't feel well. Made it home, but not to any sort of relaxation or releif. The animals are even being okay for a puppy and a cat, but I can't settle my thoughts and I can't seem to calm down. I feel sort of sick too, but stress can do that, of course. Didn't return any calls, but i'm really not in a patient, extroverted mood. Really want to get in the back room and organize and get to work on projects, but I'm procrastinating. I'm watching this show about this amazing family. I miss my family but I completely dread the stress of even calling mom back. Ugh.
I got an amazing matchbox in the mail!!!!!!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
the worst headache i've had all month. sorta makes you want to gouge
your eyes out. I would probably feel better if i could throw up.
I'm so emotionally overworked that i'm crumbling.
i need a warm, protective, quiet, dark bubble to live in for a few
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
So like six hours later ... christ on a cracker! What an exhausting day this has become. :( and it's not over. I'm hungry (again). I really want to do some projects when I get home, but sinking into the couch with a tall glass of cranberry juice sounding good. I cut out patterns for this lovely mobile last night. I also finished making the costume for the part-timer so he can look like a HUGE job jacket (that's what we call our routing folders for jobs, too much jargon, sorry. Look here for a sort-of-example of the not-so-large ones). It's made from ribbon, t-shirt, and shower curtain-liner vinyl. It turned out that we didn't need it today because they rescheduled our creative in the courtyard. The rescheduling is good and bad. But whatever. I have a meeting in six minutes so this has to be shorter than i'd like. *pout* I'm stressed out! GRRRR!!!! I also cut out squares for the quilt-style rug that I'm making from scraps and old t-shirts for the floor of the craft room. It's sort of turned into a memory quilt just by the nature of the t shirts being used. What else did I do? Nothing last night, I don't think. I've got a huge folder of projects I'd like to get started on. Many of which involve getting new materials or tools so they're waaaaaaayyyy on the back burner due to funds. I'd like to construct a makeshift light/white box for close-up photography of the finished pieces so they can get on Etsy and possibly make me feel a little less useless. I picked up a bunch of new (to me) records @ an amazing $5-per-bag sale at Refuge House's Thrift Shop. Bowls, letter holders, rings, and jewelry to come. Oh! This weekend was very productive ... we finally grocery shopped, hung frames and a tapestry and a shelf or two, I made potholders (I'm forever burning my hands trying to use paper towels in their place) ahhhh late for meeeeting!!!
Oh my @#&*$%^#(%&*)(#% stars! That was a terrible meeting. Argh. Trying to let it gooo....
So yeah, I made potholders and there's other things i'd like to get to around the house like painting the furniture outside, recovering the (freecycle) couch (yay!). I'd love to sew a long-sleeved, knee-length dress for myself. I have some beautiful grey jersey fabric that could hang nicely on someone, but not me so maybe a practice one? I need to figure out how to fix the sink and finish caulking the bathroom (already knew how to do that). I'd like to make some soft pretzels from scratch and maybe some wheat bread too. I haven't done that in a while. I know this list is quite long, but there's other things too. Anyways. More later.
I think my hair has grown out quite a bit. hmmmm....
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
1. Washing hands in public
3. Public speaking
4. People knowing i'm not capable
5. People realizing that i am really that messed up
5 Favorites -
1. Season: fall
2. Color: indigo
3. Time of day: very late night/very early morning
4. Icecream: homemade mint choco chip
5. Places: Marketplace in Florence
5 Hobbies -
2. Jewelry Making
4. Making art
5 Not-so-well-known Things -
1. I have grey hair.
2. I think i'm really boring.
3. I was born very early.
4. I'm super insecure.
5. I have big feet.
5 weaknesses -
1. Math, specifically division. I <3 calculators.
2. Self esteem, the whole thing is pretty weak.
3. I have a hard time saying no to a challenge.
4. I speak my mind.
On a side note -- I stepped outside tonight to take the dog out. And while trying not to think too much I heard a Paul Simon song. My instinct was to curse the universe for rubbing it in my face, but i made myself think about it longer and decided that maybe it was the universe's way of telling me that it's alright and that it's okay to really let go.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
So, I've created a new space for myself. With the recent path of things in my life, I need a bit of breathing room for my thoughts. And because I'm failing lately to create that even inside my own head, I've created a somewhat physical space for that here.
"I cannot do everything, but still
I can do something. I will not refuse to do
the something I can do."
I want to give myself permission to be really honest and really truthful about how i feel here. I want to give myself the freedom to be open about everything, even the bad times. I want to make a promise to myself to take time each week to do something just for me. It might be by myself & it might not. And that's okay. I want to be creative in my daily life. I want to find happiness from what i have and not find discontent with the things I don't have.
"Let there be peace in not knowing
all the answers."
I won't promise that things you might read here are all positive or that you might not worry about me from time to time, but it is real and that's a start in the right direction. I am very worried and hesitant as I start to fill this new space. In the past, a journal has been an outlet for the negative, but rarely a record of the positive and, in turn, I hesitated to share it with those who were/are important to me. I feel like that action, among many, has created a disconnect within myself. I am the sum of all my parts, good, bad and in between. I can't move forward with part of me. I cannot cultivate a healthy me without all of me.
"When you finally expose yourself
and let yourself be known,
the sky does not fall.
Instead, things begin to unfold;
Hopefully I can write more tonight. I'd like to write an affirmation, address some basics, and run down this past week. I should start trying to recover some photos from teh internet since my computer crashed and took the photos with it.