Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So Let's Talk: II

Thought patterns: (this is probably WAY more inside my head than anyone should be)
So I'm a really angry, violent, abusive, harsh, button-pushing person. I read people quickly enough to know how to anger them, probably before I know how to please them. It's disgusting. It's, personality-wise, the most disgusting thing about me. I used to hide it well. I'd only take it out on myself and when, on the rare occasion, it manifested outwardly it was written off as being teenage-rebellion -- isn't it nice how people make excuses for you? As an adult, it's become not so easy to hide and not so easy to excuse. I'd like to say I just need to learn to think before I speak, but it's not that. Hate me yet? (yeah, me too) It's deliberate and targeted. It comes out when I feel like I'm losing control. The fights that I've had that have turned physical have been my doing. I have pushed them to that level. It's gross. Seriously if i knew what part of the brain controlled this, I'd have a partial lobotomy. I find it really hard to control because it is such an obvious way for me to reclaim control: to cause a reaction. It's very similar to why I injure myself sometimes - the need to be in complete control. Control is a huge thing for me. I feel out of control (or like I'm losing control) when I feel unstable, unusually emotional, excessively needy, incompetent, overwhelmed, vulnerable, weak, like I'm about to lose something or someone important because of my own actions *that's a HUGE one*, and I feel out of control when I feel like I can't control myself. Like when I can see myself become this emotional snowball rolling towards everyone and everything in my life. So alot of my thoughts center around maintaining control over myself and my situation, lately that seems nearly impossible which makes me feel more out of control and this really sick cycle has developed and I HAVE/NEED/MUST break it. There's this theory about separating your rational mind from your emotional mind and the rational mind *accepts* and i think i need to apply this in this situation. (this is getting less coherent because i am getting tired, but i've needed to write like i needed to breathe)

I also seemingly fly off the handle and get angry or blow up at seemingly little things. Well they're not so little in my head. The long and the short of it is that I can't/don't/won't (don't know which yet) let go of little things and eventually little things build to huge massive beasts of things that would make normal people get mad and throw things or scream or some similar vice. Maybe an example? (this is related to black and white thinking as well) Okay so I've been having some cognitive problems since the overdose and I'm not sure if they're related to the new meds or the overdose itself or whatever. So I have trouble finding the right word say at like 9am, somethign I used to pride myself on (words). Lets say at 9:30am I fill out the estimate column incorrectly and the account manager gets really pissed off and comes to inform me that it's wrong. Great, been at work less than an hour and already failed twice. Yes, to me those are both failures. See above: failure = loss of control over myself = freak out. This early and this small is probably contained inward, maybe I think (if i'm letting myself cut) that it's probably time for a cut or two (small ones) as punishment/focal points to recenter myself. Whatever, day progresses. Later I spill soup on myself (think gross=slob=failure to maintain satisfactory appearance/appear in control). That'd probably stay to a tear or two hidden nicely in the bathroom while I tried to wash the soup out. If i was already feeling rough and was in a place where I was letting myself feel this way, I'd think I didn't deserve the soup and find a way to get it out of my system. (**for real, i'm not sure why i'm putting this out here, but I'm not exaggerating and I'm sort of freaking out writing about this with this much honesty**) So even say idk two hours later some other work minor (from an outside perspective) malfunction ... missed shipping date or something else that sends an account manager looking to switch to a different production person because they beleive that i don't have enough experience to handle their projects. Super failure on my part (feeling incompetent = being incompetent = failing at job = freaking out about losing job = SNOWBALL). So I can probably keep that tucked away while I manage the minicrisis and keep busy and interacting with people to avoid nuclear meltdown. So the day continues, I snap at the bf over IM or on the phone (think: Failure to set aside work, failure to be a good SO, failure to love, failure to be normal, failure to find a positive framework, failure to continue any good any year of therapy has had, failure to be a human, failure to be positive, failure to maintian relationship THINK: eventually he's going to get tired of me and this bullshit and the awful way i treat him WHILE THINKING secretly he sees through to the needy vulnerablity and fear of losing him) Yeah it's fuuuuuuuucked up. Driving home lets say, he seems distant I blame myself for his mood, fear that it will get worse and i'll still be the cause (have i mentioned how selfish I am?) and start thinking the same failure thoughts above. Then lets say we get home and I burn part of dinner and snap that I don't want to do the dishes. (THINK: I suck at everything in life and will never be any good at anything domestic or related to other people THINK: maybe some people are just meant to be alone THINK: I'm such an awful person I deserve to be alone...). So then say two hours or so later I'm crafting and I slip with a stamp and it prints smudged. *!*!*!BAM!*!*!*! (Stay with me - it's gonna get bad, paranoid, selfish and dangerous) THOUGHT TRAIN: I'm such a fucking failure I'm stressing myself out with the one thing that's supposed to destress me right now > I'm such a moron I would normally be able to do this if I could think clearer about what I was doing > I'm a stupid shit for taking all those pills and this is life's way of reminding me not only that I failed yet again at ending my own life, but also that I took all of them > I'm failing at everything and it's only a matter of time before I completely lose control and really flip out in public and then everyone knows how nuts I really am > he already knows how nuts I really am or at least has an idea and it's only a matter of time before he realizes what a failure he's fallen in love with and... (i'm so sorry if you're reading this anyone). [*it gets worse but I think that's as logically as I can take it right now*] By this time i'm probably screaming and have most likely thrown something or punched myself in the head (no joke). Every stored failure from the day or maybe even the week or the month or whatever has slammed down on me in a matter of seconds and I've completely lost control. Which makes it worse. I have to stop here. I'm so tired I can't see straight anymore.

I do have to say that writing this down like this makes it really easy to see the flaws, but i've really started to have this brainstorm of ideas of ways I can manage this during the day and when i get home every day. wow. that sounds cliche and like a huge shift but I'm serious. thank god or whatever. I just don't want to forget while I sleep tonight. *crossed fingers toes, etc*

I do want to work backwards through this at some point. There's more to do too. Lots of course. I really wish i could i dont even knwo. I'm crying again and really overwhelmed. I'm a mess. Ugh.

1 comment:

lovejustice said...

Damn I left stuff out that I wanted in that section. Stupid nearly 3am writing.