Wednesday, December 30, 2009
detached and not willing or able to deal with it. I'm not going to
have much of a choice pretty soon. I'm guarded and afraid to just feel
how I feel about it, despite feeling like I had made my peace with it.
I'm just still hurt and unsure and really vulnerable. I'm apprehensive
and it's compounded by hormones and an approaching indicator. It's the
type of situation that makes me stay up all night thinking and want to
sleep all day and hope that my brain stops working. It's the type of
situation that makes me want to give up. It's not that dramatic or
heavy normally but the past couple of days I have felt the weight of
it intensely. I have some serious negativity about it, but I'm trying
really hard not to let it ruin anything else.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Gross. Just had to take a break writing to take more ticks off of the dog. Gross gross gross gross gross! He's not a fan either.
Monday, December 28, 2009
My emotions are all over the place again today and I'm hoping that I can keep things better in control tomorrow. I need to find my way back to a place where I'm taking control of what I'm feeling because right now, this feels like I'm attached to a yo-yo that I've handed to an unskilled 5 year old.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
just at/for work. I haven't really even put a dent in my personal to-
do list. Whatever sickness is creeping into my body is definitely
finding a way to settle in my chest which doesn't help the way i feel
when days of physical sickness walk hand in hand with days of high
anxiety. I need a break from this office and the petty BS that runs
rampant. I don't expect to find a place where it doesn't exist, I just
expect to find people who deal with it more effectively.
We have a tradition of a holiday meal at work for our department. Most
people are very big on food so we get good food and wine in the middle
of the day, which is nice, but I'm just not feeling social and cozy
and that sort of thing. *fingers crossed for tomorrow, though* As part
of our food fest, we do a survey and then read everyone's answers and
try to guess who said them. It's like a fairly clean version of that
board game .... Loaded Questions. This year's questions:
Name one thing you miss about being a kid.
Name something not many people know about you.
What is your favorite place on earth?
If your house was on fire and you could only grab 3 things before
leaving, what would they be?
If you could go on a road trip with someone (dead or alive) who would
you chose and where would you go?
You wouldn't be caught dead being seen where? (note: obviously
copywriters aren't in our dept.)
If you were given $1 Million and you have to spend it in one day and
cannot buy any real estate, any kind of boat or vehicle, and cannot
invest or put it in a bank ... how would you spend it?
What's your favorite trend or fad of the last decade?
What do you hate most about the holidays?
Who is your ultimate celebrity crush?
Want to play along? Or have a good answer for me that you think will
throw people off? LOL. If you know anything about the people I work
with, you can probably guess who wrote the questions.
I'm really negative and a lot of it ends up showing here and through
my posture ... and in my conversations, art, and motivation ... and in
the way i fail to take care of myself. ... Okay, okay it shows up
everywhere. Either way, I'm trying to shift my focus back to finding
the positive sides of things. I was really good about it this morning
and putting positive energy into the situations that were occurring
really felt good and lasted longer than the situations themselves. So
I'm making it a point to find at least 2 positive things a day for the
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
definitely will continue with apps, but it went better than i thought
it would. I'll know in a week if i need to book a flight for an in-
I needed something positive.
I needed to calm down and focus and get my head on straight.
Now finishing work and making appointments with the ologist and iatrist.
I'm sorry i'm so chaotic.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
office xmas party. I'm currently playing the "what the heck am i going
to wear" game. Why couldn't we have this party after the next paycheck?
It's about 40 degrees right now and getting dark already.