yuck

There's something that I'm trying to deal with but I feel really
detached and not willing or able to deal with it. I'm not going to
have much of a choice pretty soon. I'm guarded and afraid to just feel
how I feel about it, despite feeling like I had made my peace with it.
I'm just still hurt and unsure and really vulnerable. I'm apprehensive
and it's compounded by hormones and an approaching indicator. It's the
type of situation that makes me stay up all night thinking and want to
sleep all day and hope that my brain stops working. It's the type of
situation that makes me want to give up. It's not that dramatic or
heavy normally but the past couple of days I have felt the weight of
it intensely. I have some serious negativity about it, but I'm trying
really hard not to let it ruin anything else.

antsy pants

I'm getting very antsy for this week to move forward. I want the day to be over and my house to be cleaner (i'm not sure CLEAN is really ever attainable, I think it's sort of like tomorrow). I want people to be here and I want time off where I don't have to travel. I'm making treats and snacks for this week tonight and if it takes long enough, I'll get a little help. LOL. I wanted to go look for a couple of sweaters because it's been a tad chilly lately, but I need to let the dog out, want to make things and my xmas cash can continue to hang out in my bank account. I want friends around. I want my man in my bed. Sorry, but it's true. Forgot toilet paper again last night and need supplies for the snacks ... if I decide to make them all. Going to the store after work again. Still need to pick up alcohol too. I think I'll go home, let the dog out, start the snacks and cleaning and then go back out. I can always get the libations on my lunch tomorrow. Cleaning is the most important though. I'm just worried about having space for people and their thing and not driving people crazy with my version of organization.

I heard back about that interview. No go for the second round. Trying to ignore it, but *ouch*.

I have ignored work for long enough. Back to the estimates.

This was thoughtful until the end.

My body has very physical reactions to stress. My mouth gets canker sores. My hands and fingertips get eczema. And the back of my head and neck develop hives. The physical reactions to stress have changed and fluctuated over the years, but they have always had one predictable effect on me. They have always made me feel decidedly unsexy which is insanely frustrating when some of them are caused by that very same feeling and the things I think about and do to try to combat that. (Does that make sense at all? I had to take some tylenol PM so I can sleep tonight and to get some relief from the mouth pain.) I was already starting to stress about how to manage how I look with how I want to feel and how I want other people to see me but then i was sidelined by the pain in my mouth and the itchiness and the exhaustion. I've reached a plateau of sorts. I'll call it my take-me-as-i-am plateau. I've spent too much time changing and trying to be something and someone different so people will be attracted to me and want to sleep with me and be around me and like me. I'm fairly over it, at least for now. I'm buying the clothes I buy because I feel good in them, not because I think they demonstrate that I'm attracted to and attractive to certain people. I'm wearing what I wear because it looks good on me, not because I feel awkward and left behind. If I feel left behind and awkward it's okay to change if it's really for me. And it's okay to pay attention to fashion and trends and it's okay to intentionally ignore them and avoid them if it's realy for me. In the past 7 or so years I've gone from a size three to a size 12 and everywhere in between and back again. I think I've even done that up and down and up again in the past year. I was stressing about being perceived as sexy, but damnit right now if you don't think I'm sexy and want to sleep with me as I am then I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want to tell myself that I need to shave (although I enjoy it) or need to wear makeup (also something I sometimes enjoy) or need to do certain things and be certain ways for someone to be attracted to me, to want to stay with me, and to want to commit to me. I'm just going to be me in the best ways that I can and that's just going to be enough. Maybe I'm going to be the best me in the best ways that I can?

Gross. Just had to take a break writing to take more ticks off of the dog. Gross gross gross gross gross! He's not a fan either.

useless

I've been basically useless at work today. I don't feel very put together or I do feel very haphazardly put together. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel well physically. I had a horrible time sleeping last night and I went to bed super irritated. My irritability spilled over today and I basically just fell apart at lunch. Thankfully, I was home by myself and had time to just sit with myself and cry. I forgot a decent-sized part of my shopping list last night so I really should run out and finish picking up things tonight. I brought a couple things that I need to return with me, but I"m not sure I have the patience for them today.  I'm tired, but I have plans for dessert and coffee tonight. I want to leave myself tomorrow to clean so that I'm not in the middle of it while friends are arriving. I really, really hate cleaning. Well it's not so much that but I hate that I don't have very clear, easily accessible places for everything to go. Since moving everything to accommodate a roommate, space is tight. Most days it doesn't bother me, but lately everything feels cluttered and crowded. And messy. And sloppy. And immature. And gross. The craft supplies are difficult to put away because I don't have enough drawer space to fit everything like I used to do in the old house. I want the dining room table (that now lives in the bedroom) to be clear except for presents. The difficulty is that the dog is still destructive so things need to live out of reach most of the time. I'm really irritable and feeling pretty much like avoiding all of humanity until I can feel comfortable breathing again. It's more than irritable, though. I'm not really sure how to clearly explain it. I'm sure that there's a lot of emotions going on, but sometimes when things get this difficult for me to navigate I wish I could go back a few years where my walls were thick with anger and very little made it through to me. I sometimes wish that I could just feel one thing the majority of the time ... even if it was negative. Days like this make me wish that I could just choose to feel that way again. Impermeable. Solid. I know that when I feel like this it's important to focus on self care. There's a song on a CD that E sent me that has really been the only thing to make me smile in a couple days. The song is "Friends" by Band of Skulls. Here's a link to a live performance.  So that's become part of my self care for today. I also plan to go run those errands and maybe continue my epic hunt for shoes. The self care part of that is that I'm not going to feel guilty for not rushing home to talk to people online (I have a cell phone people can call me if they need me. There's no reason for me to rush home or to want to feel needed so badly.) or to let the dog out (I went home at lunch and he'll be okay). If I can get the toiletry items that I need, I also plan on taking a long and thorough shower tonight. You know that part in Garden State near the fireplace where she danced? I'm in it right now. Working through and into some thoughts. I wish i didn't have them. I wish i could run from them. 

work work work

I really miss Layla. We had to put her to sleep the day after christmas. She fell on christmas eve and didn't stand up on her own for almost two full days. She was so aggressive in the vet's office. I really wish she hadn't been. I hate remembering her that way. It's what needed to be done, I know this. But part of me really questioned it on the way home. She was almost 13. What is that in "dog years"? Almost 91 I think.

My emotions are all over the place again today and I'm hoping that I can keep things better in control tomorrow. I need to find my way back to a place where I'm taking control of what I'm feeling because right now, this feels like I'm attached to a yo-yo that I've handed to an unskilled 5 year old.

Me time.

I plan on using my lunch time today to do something for me to help me feel grounded and calmed to prep for the upcoming chaos. Honestly, it might be a nap. I'm still feeling sick and woke myself up this morning by coughing up nastiness. My anxiety is a bit out of control today and I've even avoided caffeine. I wish I would've picked up some kava tea. I could run to fresh market, but i'd rather not add stress by trying to possibly alleviate some of the physical effects of it.  I'm thinking embroidering maybe? I meant go get rawhides to bribe Odysseus with on the way down south. Too late now, I guess. Although I could swing by on the way out of town. I'm still debating about signing up for Style School with some of my favorite bloggers. So tempting, but a solid chunk of change. Would basically eliminate any spending money from Jan, but would give me projects ideas and inspiration so it seems totally worth it. In all honesty, I meant to add it to my xmas list, but forgot. That kava tea should've been on my list too! The office has such a weird atmosphere here today. Quiet and intense, but also a bit erie for a building that's usually full of screaming, running, and hectic demanding. I painted my nails last night but somehow forgot to paint my pinkie nail on my right hand. Whoops. On an even more random note, things like this make me miss my gaged earrings. And now i've killed enough time to actually take a lunch. 

procrastination

I have very little food in the house and an odd assortment at that. Corn, tomato soup, graham crackers, and ice cream. I've been sticking with the graham crackers for ease of eating and because they feel like what you're supposed to eat when you feel icky. The soup will be dinner, for sure. But, my point is that there's things like grocery shopping that I need to do. I'll only be here a few days this week, but i certainly can't eat out every day, for every meal. I also have yet to finish christmas shopping for the people that I will spend Christmas day with ... whoops. It's more fun for me to buy for the people that won't be there not because they won't be there, but because i'm more confident of my ability to provide them with something that they'll appreciate and enjoy and it's really important to me. Plus I'm anxious about going home. I'm hoping for the whirlwind of relatives and chaos to fend off most one on one and intense conversations. Despite the things I need to be doing, I'm in bed. Feeling sick and icky and dreading work tomorrow for fear that i'll still feel this way. I got up and showered this morning to go to something important and the shower got me so tired that i needed to lie down and i fell asleep again :( I'm trying to keep my mood up or at least level. It's always a struggle when i don't feel well physically. I've moved my positive things to a small notebook that's turned into an art journal. I think i want to get books for dad. I'd like to finish jewelry for mom, but maybe an ornament to supplement. And for the brother cold weather things, I think. idk. Running out of time for sure. I think I need to lie down again.

Thursday 12/17

Today has been a struggle for me. There's been SO many things to do
just at/for work. I haven't really even put a dent in my personal to-
do list. Whatever sickness is creeping into my body is definitely
finding a way to settle in my chest which doesn't help the way i feel
when days of physical sickness walk hand in hand with days of high
anxiety. I need a break from this office and the petty BS that runs
rampant. I don't expect to find a place where it doesn't exist, I just
expect to find people who deal with it more effectively.

We have a tradition of a holiday meal at work for our department. Most
people are very big on food so we get good food and wine in the middle
of the day, which is nice, but I'm just not feeling social and cozy
and that sort of thing. *fingers crossed for tomorrow, though* As part
of our food fest, we do a survey and then read everyone's answers and
try to guess who said them. It's like a fairly clean version of that
board game .... Loaded Questions. This year's questions:
Name one thing you miss about being a kid.
Name something not many people know about you.
What is your favorite place on earth?
If your house was on fire and you could only grab 3 things before
leaving, what would they be?
If you could go on a road trip with someone (dead or alive) who would
you chose and where would you go?
You wouldn't be caught dead being seen where? (note: obviously
copywriters aren't in our dept.)
If you were given $1 Million and you have to spend it in one day and
cannot buy any real estate, any kind of boat or vehicle, and cannot
invest or put it in a bank ... how would you spend it?
What's your favorite trend or fad of the last decade?
What do you hate most about the holidays?
Who is your ultimate celebrity crush?

Want to play along? Or have a good answer for me that you think will
throw people off? LOL. If you know anything about the people I work
with, you can probably guess who wrote the questions.

I'm really negative and a lot of it ends up showing here and through
my posture ... and in my conversations, art, and motivation ... and in
the way i fail to take care of myself. ... Okay, okay it shows up
everywhere. Either way, I'm trying to shift my focus back to finding
the positive sides of things. I was really good about it this morning
and putting positive energy into the situations that were occurring
really felt good and lasted longer than the situations themselves. So
I'm making it a point to find at least 2 positive things a day for the
next week.

whew

That went very well. I'll try not to get my hopes up too high and
definitely will continue with apps, but it went better than i thought
it would. I'll know in a week if i need to book a flight for an in-
person interview.
I needed something positive.
I needed to calm down and focus and get my head on straight.
Now finishing work and making appointments with the ologist and iatrist.

I'm sorry i'm so chaotic.

coward

i'm not sure i have the strength to face anyone today. woke up sick to my stomach and i'm debating going to work. i barely slept ... worse than usual and i can't focus and haven't showered. at least i took care of the dog.

whew

Too close for comfort. I just literally ran through the building to
get a box of shirts to someone. At least they got there. Whew.

12.13.09

I just fell into a hole. I don't know where it came from or where I'd be without it, but my mood, motivation, and total disposition just bottomed out. I've been taking allergy medicine this week to help with my sinus problems and it's had the fortunate side effect of basically being a sedative. I didn't get too angry or too worked up or even too anxious. I didn't melt down into tears more than three times this week at work. I was tired and quiet and withdrawn, but sometimes (especially when it comes with lessened sinus problems) it's really how I prefer to be. I wore half sleeves to the christmas party last night and even though i had so much makeup on over my scars, it was nice to not have all the extra layers of clothing. My moods are becoming more polarized and more difficult for me to predict. It's making work really tough. I took on a different account recently and i love working on it. I enjoy the client and the jobs. I get a small bit of satisfaction knowing that if she had a chance, my boss probably wouldn't have given it to me. Nothing's fucked up on it yet ... fingers crossed. Lately my desire to prove to myself that I can handle it among my other clients really has me pushing myself to work longer hours and work harder during those hours. I'm a little burnt out in all directions and I'm not really sure how to keep going. I need to bribe myself somehow or maybe just shut the fuck up and keep on pushing so I don't lose momentum and fall apart.

office party

It's supposed to be about 50 degrees and rainy tomorrow during the
office xmas party. I'm currently playing the "what the heck am i going
to wear" game. Why couldn't we have this party after the next paycheck?
It's about 40 degrees right now and getting dark already.

I don't know if the problem is with my sewing machine or my use of it, but it's not working correctly and until I have the patience to figure it out and/or the money to get it fixed I'm just going to have to not use it. I'm really upset about it and almost chucked it out the window when it fucked up the project I was just working on. SO SO ANGRY.

i really will go back to that food/shopping post soon, but i need to write now to stay even and calm. I feel really lonely. But at the same time, I feel so irritable and agitated and gross that I would rather stay away from everyone than risk making anything awful or worse. For several months I've been able to at least be a little prepared for my moods and how they'll oscillate based on how my hormones are fluctuating, but this month things are all off kilter and out of sync. Even when I'm sleeping I never feel rested and it's starting to add up. My anxiety is so bad. I've had to skip going into stores and I've had to change plans to avoid feeling worse. I'm not even taking care of basic things like showering and it only bothers me because at some point, I'll notice that my hair looks dirty and messy and then I'll slide a little further down. I'm mad at myself for being so down and so negative and for crying any time I stop being completely and totally mentally engrossed in something. I want to feel better. I want to be positive. I want to be different. I got an account at work sort of by accident. It's one i've wanted to work on for awhile but it's almost overwhelming and I want it to go right and i want to handle it so badly but i'm afraid i'm going to screw up a little teenie tiny detail. And then it'll get taken away. It wouldn't be the fist that's been taken away from me. I thought about taking a sick day earlier this week to sort of get my head on straight, but all I could think about was the work that would pile up while I was gone and the possibility that i could use those later on to visit people who don't live here. I started chipping away at a little debt this month. Which felt good. It also needed to be done so they'd stop calling me at least for a bit. It's a really small payment, but it's a step in the right direction. I've managed to finish the last two pay periods in the positive and that's a huge deal compared to where we were. It's funny how, when you try not to think about something, it's everywhere. I know I know I know. I shouldn't even have anything to say about it but it's shaken me to the core. It's messed with my head and poured salt in my sugar and all of those stupid cliche phrases. But i'm too scared to bring it up. So I'll continue to sob by myself and in bathrooms at work until i can get some backbone and face it head on like a normal person. im cared of what it migh mean.

To be continued later ... food post ....

This post was inspired by Loaf's post here. (Most of the things she writes makes me want to write more often and more articulately. Definitely on my daily reading list.) 

So here I am, back in Tallahassee, with the dog who needs my attention and care and all I want to do is be completely selfish and cry until I fall asleep for 18 years until I feel not depressed. After trying to eat whatever was in the house for a day after my epic drive back from CT, I decided I did actually need to go the grocery store. It's one of those times when I need basically everything ... eggs, pasta, even olive oil. I didn't even have what I needed to make my go-to Peanut Butter Pasta! The grocery store is a HUGE source of stress for me. Lots of people? Check. Food? Check. Money? Check. Three huge sources of stress inconveniently packaged in a large building complete with freezing temperatures and weirdoes. Last night it even included wind, pouring rain, and cold. I find being organized and on task completely necessary to handle food shopping by myself without a panic attack.