Wednesday, February 24, 2010


When I go home tonight, I plan to spend some time taking care of
myself. I have struggled through today emotionally and I'm very
hesitant to even address those emotions. My infected eye is swollen
from brow to cheek and from nose to the edge of my eye socket. My
mother called and talked to me about her health problems. I know she's
genuinely worried because she was unable to just brush them off like
she usually does. I want to offer to be there with her during these
next steps, but I think she'd be offended. So much to do ... need to
get back to working.

It's late now and i'm in shitty shape. I'm wearing a sweatshirt that i've had since 1999. It used to be a signal when i would wear it. I came close to needing that signal tonight but I didn't but i wore it anyway. The dog pissed on the bed while I was in the shower. Today was long and I'm not feeling well and I just wanted to sleep after the shower, but I can't because I have to wait for the bed to dry. And i can't fall asleep.
Dear dog,
Why, when you have the whole apartment to piss in, do you piss on my bed? I wish you would stop it.
Sometimes i feel like people judge people who want love harshly. I feel like people who want love and who want romance are seen as stupid or naive. I hesitate to tell people how sad i really am because i don't want them to think worse of me than i assume they already do. I'm upset at the things people are saying to me and the way that people are talking to me. I can vaguely see their intention, but expressing judgments is not you showing or offering support of me. I guess i feel like complaining tonight because that seems to be all I can get out. I'm really upset tonight. It's much harder for me to keep my mind in a good headspace when I can't keep my body healthy. My blood pressure was seriously high at the doctor and mine usually runs a little lower than average so it was more of a concern. Apparently eye problems and blood pressure problems don't go well together. My chest hurt for an hour or so today but with the situation that developed at work, i wasn't really surprised.
Right now i just want to have his head in my lap and play with his hair while i tell him that i know it's so hard but we'll make it work, we'll find a way or several ways and we'll try them all. If that makes me stupid then that's fine. But that's what i want right now.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

just not my day

Today wasn't an easy day. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't easy. I'm feeling pretty sick again today. My eye is red and gross and watery and drops only make it worse. My throat is still as sore as the first day. It's been a week. I am still getting little dizzy moments and still coughing up some green, nasty stuff. I came home to find that the dog has destroyed, utterly obliterated two things that I received for xmas that were important to me. He also peed on the bed in 4 spots. I'm pretty convinced the vet tech was wrong when she said he was fine this past weekend. I think he should go back tomorrow morning. I'm really upset and really don't feel well and can't even snuggle up to the emptiness in my bed because it's covered in dog piss. I think i've been handling everything fairly well, but right now i just wish i had some one here so i could fall apart into their arms or just someone to commiserate with me. ouch :( crying makes my eye hurt too.

Monday, February 22, 2010


I don't want to write here anymore.

I just want to move forward. I want to repair things if they need to
be repaired and just move forward.

It is what it is. And while i think i know now why it hurts, the clean
up is what wakes me up in the middle of the night and the implications
are what leave me feeling defenseless and panicked.

I don't want it to be the first thing I think about or the last thing
I think about. I don't want to think about it at all, actually. But it
was so entrenched in everything that I did (I made it that way) that I
feel like i have to alter every behavior to be able to change.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Heavy thoughts and a sluggish fever.

I spent most of today trying to sleep to recover. I don't sleep well most of the time so it's a challenge. I could barely do anything today without being completely drained. I managed half a frosty a little while ago because I was starting to think that not having any food in me might have something to do with the exhaustion. I'm smart like that. It's getting later now and I'm struggling. Not in a dangerous way or anything. Just thinking too much about too many things and now I'm really emotional. I'm going to try reading some of my favorite positive blogs and go through a couple grounding exercises. I know i only write here when things are bad or not good. I keep the positive to myself and apparently to too great of an extent. Not sharing the positive things in my life is something I whole-heartedly regret

I don't think I've been this sick in years.

So very, very sick. If you count Monday, I've had three meals all week. Two of those were on Monday. I ate a few snack foods other days but nothing wants to stay in my body and it's very difficult to swallow. I don't feel hungry though, which is confusing. My mom keeps offering for me to drive down there or for her to come up, but my place is embarrassingly dirty and cluttered with things i'm not ready for someone to push me to get rid of. I also don't feel like I'm in the shape to make a 4.5 hour drive. My alarm woke me up out of a dream that i've had before. It was familiar and safe and comfortable. The feelings from the dream were replaced by an awful feeling. Two things have been stuck on repeat in my brain. Both were incorrect and I let them go because I didn't know how to fix them or if I thought it was important to correct those errors. I feel like since they have stuck around, that it might be worth it to address them. Maybe bounce them off of someone else before taking them anywhere near their source again. If the mistakes are ever addressed again, i guess that would have to go back to their sources to be effective. One was repeated by more than one person and i've spent alot of time considering what that means. It makes me wonder where people are getting their data and where and how i'm providing that data and why I'm not giving the right set of information away. It's actually really upsetting. The other is so upsetting that if I think about it for too much time, I get nauseated. If that seems dramatic, it is. This is a big deal to me. I have too much time to think since i've been sick. Sorta hoping these meds knock me out soon. Getting this sick the same week as other things seems like the universe saying "you're doing it wrong" or "you suck".

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I'm sick and falling apart progressively as this day has continued.
I'm running my one errand today and then going home. I feel pretty
crappy about myself.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

i slept for about ten minutes. I woke up and thought i was okay. I'm not. I'm panicking and i'm alone. And at the same time i don't even know what I feel. I'm so overrun with emotions that I cannot isolate a single one. If mom asks if I feel something, I say yes because I assume it's in the mix.There are much more personal and detailed things that I want to say, but i don't know how. So for now, I just won't ... at least not here.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Found this pretty interesting
Gender, identity, and structure in surveys.

Oh boy. This is a confusing series of interconnected rambles.

I'm sitting here fiddling around with projects, halfheartedly watching a show that i was very engaged in earlier, trying to hold back tears, getting upset looking through old post and messages on facebook ... as usual, doing too many things at once. The dog is snoring behind me and I'm listening to the boy snore over skype (in a round about way reminding myself to remember OTC sleeping pills for the trip). I'm trying to avoid turning to my less than acceptable habits for some relief and comfort. I feel sick. I haven't had much of an appetite, which is strange for me because even when i was starving myself I was hungry. I haven't even wanted to cook. (See: Losing interest in things you normally enjoy. See also: Loss of appetite) I'm having trouble focusing .... which isn't really a fair description of the chaos in my brain ... it's more that I start focusing on like 9,000 things at the same time. I don't lack focus, I just focus too much. ehh still not clear. I wish i could depict it visually. Trying to come up with a way to visualize the thought patterns, frenzy, and feeling of being in my head is basically my sole motivating factor for wanting to experiment with video production. I used to do it when I was younger, but it was lo-tech and very plot focused and not as expressionistic. I think it could work I just need some time where I don't work 11 hour days and still try to do other things. I can't sleep without a larger-than-average dose of sleeping pills and i don't really want to sleep. Which is fine except that I look tired and I don't need any other reason to dislike the way I look. Even showers aren't helping to calm me. Or even settle me down a bit. They've always been my fall back for 10 years or more. Oh boy I feel old. I've had habits for more than ten years ... damn. I got upset earlier thinking about the things that i miss and the things that have changed and the loss of external sources of stability and the loss of external things that helped to provide routine, comfort and hope for me. Heady thoughts for late night, I suppose. [Side note: I haven't packed yet ... crap. ] I don't like to think about or talk about or venture toward the things I'm upset about tonight because I feel bad for feeling them and guilty and petty almost. I don't want to hear anyone's comments about them, but I also would be terrified to just hear silence. I know the things I should or could say to myself about them that should settle my concerns but they don't work anymore. To distract myself from the tears and snot I just started writing another blog post ... wtf. I won't even let myself be upset. Not okay. I'm embarrassed about the things I want and the things I feel like I need. I'm ashamed of the things that I find comforting and I feel like I need. In the past, I've said that I was afraid of other people's reactions or I just didn't want to know them, but at the heart of that is really that i'm not strong enough on my own and in my own to stand up to criticism from the people that I care about. I have progressed in that sense. I have friends (who are really like family) that respect me and love me and will disagree with me and criticize me and I hear it and take it and absorb it and listen without fear of losing their love and without fear of losing them in my life. My family ... my biological family, not as opposed to adoptive family b/c i don't have one but as opposed to friends who are as close as family ... is very judgmental. And it's not that they don't love me, it's just that their criticism and judgment is part of how they show it. If they don't judge you, it sorta means they're not paying attention to you. But they almost universally lack the skill (if they don't lack it, they at least don't utilize it) to be attentive to how they fling their criticism about. If you're sensitive to it, you're being weak and that just invites more criticism. They also don't spend a lot of time recognizing positive things. I find written/spoken praise and compliments awkward initially, but they're also hugely rewarding. Warm-you-from-the-inside-like-a-stiff-shot-of-whiskey-on-a-cold-day rewarding. Seriously, someone told me i was awesome when I got something done right away at work today and I've latched onto it. I verbally tried to brush it off and blushed even though the person saying it was on the phone (thank goodness we don't use video chat often!) but I appreciate it because it's so rare. Often, I think/thought that the lack of acknowledging positive, administering praise and even just the general niceties like looking someone in the eye and saying "thanks for taking care of this" were missing around me because I wasn't doing my job well and wasn't being a good friend and wasn't being a good daughter or cousin or granddaughter, etc but I really think that as a culture we don't do it enough. And i'm not saying that I always deserve it and I never don't deserve it, but I really do think that we've either stopped doing it or never learned to do it or just fucking don't do it. I find myself skeptical and doubting when my family and my coworkers ... mainly my department because they all remind me of my family on a regular basis ... when they do offer praise or compliments. I wonder if they're trying to be nice to me because they think i'm losing it again or if they want something else or if they want me to go away. It's not a nice frame of mind to live in. I'm back in a place where I feel guilty if I talk about myself with anyone. I don't feel like I'm worth the time and attention. So I've avoided talking with people about these things for that reason too. But I haven't been able to or i haven't wanted to stand up to criticism and the typical responses to wanting and needing the things that I want and need and have lost and miss partially because i'm pretty good at seeing many sides and angles to situations and I haven't worked my way through responding to some of them within my own head so I know that i wouldn't' be able to do it to someone else so I just avoid it which is honestly, a cop out but I feel like it's a little valid. I also am a tad bit afraid that no one will be able to come up with anything that will feel helpful and it's just sort of depressing and i'm also avoiding that reality. But i know it's the reality with some things so wtf is that. Mhmmm. I've avoided my family and some people in my life about some of it because I don't know where they stand on some things like being open to poly relationships and I don't want to know and they don't need to know that about me. I don't like to talk to people about wanting to lose 20lbs because I don't want anyone to talk to me about how they want to lose weight or tell me I'm skinny. I don't know what I want someone to say to that, but I'm not ready to hear the responses i've received in the past again. I tried talking to my family about privilege and the twinge of jealousy that i've been trying deal with about markers that relates to that but they don't get privilege because they haven't had to question it and they all have kids who don't really have to deal with it and haven't really questioned it and I don't want teach, i want to talk. It's stupid of me because these are really intelligent people and if you could find the right language to reach them about the subject it would be worth it but i only see them in blips and by the time i want to talk about it, i'm past the point of wanting to ease into it. I'm not sure if that makes sense and it's 2am again. Last night it was 4 by the time i dozed off and 5 when i woke up again. Maybe this is all just a bunch of excuses to say that I whine about wanting to talk to someone sometimes but really i'm not sure ifi could if i was given the chance. i don't know. I want to pour it all out and create something articulate to address, but maybe i don't really want that. gross. Rage and irritability are becoming problems for me again. I'm working really hard at work and I tried to back off of the self medicating this week and I did, but didn't drop it all the way because i got really freaking nuts-o for a while and couldn't handle it. It's funny how my appreciation of my relatives changes over the years. My one aunt is like the only one that i can quickly think of who does a good job of  noticing and acknowledging the positive things. She is still whoa critical of everyone too, but she notes it all. A rounded approach is totally better in my book, btw. I'm stressed out about flying and traveling and making my flight and find it obnoxious and just want to be there. Anyone finish that teleportation device yet? As far as that schedule i posted, definitely didn't finish packing tonight. Actually didn't do more than make a mental list. Crapity crapity crap. Laundry is done except for undies, but those will go in the wash tomorrow since i have my favorite pair on and really want them to be clean. They're like the ones i got when weirdly i bought undies with some friends in another state. The dog ate those and i can't remember what type they were but i think they were from walmart and i wish i could find them again. Either way, these are similar but i only have one pair of them. Dogface ate two pairs of undies  which would seem like 4 garments but isn't since we're weird about what we call our things. Oh i am so articulate at this early morning time ... yeah, nope. Still want to clean the car and the room. That way if the pooch destroys somethign while i'm gone it won't be too vital. I bought a cute vintage-style dress to wear and i'm trying different ways to style it to stay warm because i want to wear it. it's important to me to look cute the few days we do get to see each other, but i have been a florida girl my whole life and this snow has me a bit worried about how to stay warm. Although i am so excited to maybe see snow on the ground! I know it's weird. I know i'll be over it pretty fast probably, but oh well. Probably the first time i bust my ass on some ice. I wish i had some flat boots :(  I'm worried about my toes and my lack of proper circulation in my hands and feet. Oh well. Being busy at work has kept me from ticking away the hours super slowly. it's just the nights that make it more difficult. Softball is starting up. It'd be cool to have friends who came to the games. Or even to a game. But that would require being a good friend and that has been a MAJOR shortcoming on my part lately. I really really really want a new tattoo. I doodle and check out tat tumblrs and think about where and what and if i'm ready and what it would mean and what it could mean and all of this stuff. I think it might be time for just a pretty one. That's just not me though. ugh. ugh.ugh. idk. This post is crap.

Monday, February 8, 2010

This week.

There are several things I want to remember to do this week, but I'm afraid I'll forget because work is rather hectic and I'm pretty focused on my trip at the end of the week. Tonight, i want to finish some laundry (although it doesnt look like there's a good chance of this happening tonight) and get a good chunk of a project done (at least half). Tomorrow, finalize dog plans, errands (socks and return), work, softball, and the rest of the crafting. Wednesday work, get glasses adjusted, cleaning!!!! and any left over crafting. Thursday work, group workout (maybe), packing and then to bed early hopefully. Friday work from 6am-2ish, drive to jax, fly. Unscheduled things to do include painting my nails, possibly dyeing my hair, doing DBT workbook exercises, and yoga. Things I'm afraid I'm going to forget to pack: gloves, camera, book, music, deodorant, hair dryer, jewelry .... none of which are integral, just things I would like to have. I'm trying to make my bag lighter and smaller this time around. I found it very cumbersome last time.

After writing this and being interrupted so many times, I'm not sure how much I'll get done tonight. I didn't sleep much last night and Fringe has sucked me in for the last hour or so. I'll do my best though. I used to argue with my dad when he would say that that's all you can do. I'm not sure why, but that's funny to me now.

I'm excited about the trip. It's a big deal for us to get a meal out together, so it's extra special that we're going somewhere nice, on valentines day, together.

It's nice to know when i'll get to stop fighting. That's not very articulate. It's not that i'm going to give up or anything. It's just that for me, right now, it's very easy to be myself most of the time with someone I love and trust as much as him. Yes, I still fight to rein in my crazy and my anxiety (which, by the way, is so out of control that I actually said "I miss having medication to help deal with this", today) and maintain emotional balance. But it is so much less severe than the rest of the time. I don't think that explanation is very clear, but it is what it is right now.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


I think the ridiculous amount of crying i did earlier released whatever sickness I had been holding at a tolerable level. Vitamins, fluids already taken care of, but sleep seems so far away. I'm so tired but can't fall asleep. My anxiety has overpowered any tactic that I can muster up right now. I'm just going to doodle and watch stupid TV for awhile. I hope everyone I care about is peacefully sleeping or is at least at peace with whatever they're doing right now. I miss you all.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I was resistant, but they're really good

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Thursday, February 4, 2010

Thanks for very little, thursday.

I don't know how to describe today, other than to say that by the end of the day I felt like a little kid ready to throw a tantrum. Today irritated the pants off of me. I had hopes for today too, so sad. I was ready to come here and write and rant a bit, but I'm this close *_* to being out of dog food and I really don't think it's good for me to sit around the house and mope so I'm going to the store. And might make a stop to continue my endless quest for shoes that fit. Maybe. I feel so bad when I leave the dog alone for so long, but I really need to get dog food for him and to take care of me and these nasty thoughts and feelings (no, not the good kind of nasty) pronto. Maybe I'll get him an extra treat or something while I'm out. Another Maybe.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


I was cleaning out my old emails today and found the email my boss
sent to everyone letting them know why i was missing a lot of work. I
got angry about it all over again.

While driving earlier, I realized I was feeling pretty paranoid and
sort of nutty in general. Got home to discover the dog had peed on the
bed (again!!!!) and on the couch. I should probably keep the vet
appointment and ask them to test him for a UTI. Bye-bye spending
money, been nice seeing you in the bank account. I couldn't figure out
why I was so tired yesterday (I went to be early and took a nap after
work ... not in that order) but then today I woke up with a sore
throat and runny nose which might be related. I've been feeling a
little nutty (in the scary way) lately and started looking back
through old journal entries and notes and it seems pretty much like a
pattern that this time of year doesn't turn out too well. It reminds
me of that time in high school where the shit hit the fan and
subsequently got messier and messier every day for a month or so.
There was an extended metaphor there but I can't recall it. It was
nasty. I learned that I was too trusting and I started to question if
I knew those people as well as I thought I did. They made our parents
come to the school and that didn't go as planned for them. I saw a
guidance counselor actually pull a teacher into a closet to talk about
me. I seriously considered hiding in the bathroom, but didn't.
Sometimes I look back on that and it seems like it could've been a
turning point and other times it seems like the most ridiculous
situation. It also reminds me about that time 3 years ago where I
missed the super bowl and couldn't write that ad paper because I was
out of it and they hadn't bothered to even try to get everything out
of my system so i was still under the influence and they were making
me walk around and do all the inpatient intake stuff. Eeesh. Maybe I
should take that mental health day i keep threatening to take. At
least i have a kick ass vacation planned. And by planned I mean i have
my plane reservations. I don't do much other planning when i go for a
visit. It's enough just to be in the same city.

More laundry is calling my name. Sometimes this dog really makes me
feel like a mom.

Monday, February 1, 2010


I should leave for work within the next 15 minutes. I should also scold the dog for relieving himself on my bed again ... twice. The house is a mess and I don't feel well. Obviously the dog isn't feeling too hot either if he needed to go on the bed or maybe he just hates me for making him go with me this weekend. I'm tempted to take a sick day and give into how I feel. Tempted to stay home and take care of my body and my emotional health rather than push my self through work, but I feel guilty for taking time off. I feel guilty every time i take a sick day and I'm not violently ill. I really need to spend time doing laundry and cleaning my place so I don't spend every second here absolutely hating it. I also feel guilty for vacation days even though i'm pretty sure I do my part to earn them. I hate ticks. And ear aches and stomach aches. And dogs who pee on my bed.