Wednesday, February 24, 2010
myself. I have struggled through today emotionally and I'm very
hesitant to even address those emotions. My infected eye is swollen
from brow to cheek and from nose to the edge of my eye socket. My
mother called and talked to me about her health problems. I know she's
genuinely worried because she was unable to just brush them off like
she usually does. I want to offer to be there with her during these
next steps, but I think she'd be offended. So much to do ... need to
get back to working.
It's late now and i'm in shitty shape. I'm wearing a sweatshirt that i've had since 1999. It used to be a signal when i would wear it. I came close to needing that signal tonight but I didn't but i wore it anyway. The dog pissed on the bed while I was in the shower. Today was long and I'm not feeling well and I just wanted to sleep after the shower, but I can't because I have to wait for the bed to dry. And i can't fall asleep.
Why, when you have the whole apartment to piss in, do you piss on my bed? I wish you would stop it.
Sometimes i feel like people judge people who want love harshly. I feel like people who want love and who want romance are seen as stupid or naive. I hesitate to tell people how sad i really am because i don't want them to think worse of me than i assume they already do. I'm upset at the things people are saying to me and the way that people are talking to me. I can vaguely see their intention, but expressing judgments is not you showing or offering support of me. I guess i feel like complaining tonight because that seems to be all I can get out. I'm really upset tonight. It's much harder for me to keep my mind in a good headspace when I can't keep my body healthy. My blood pressure was seriously high at the doctor and mine usually runs a little lower than average so it was more of a concern. Apparently eye problems and blood pressure problems don't go well together. My chest hurt for an hour or so today but with the situation that developed at work, i wasn't really surprised.
Right now i just want to have his head in my lap and play with his hair while i tell him that i know it's so hard but we'll make it work, we'll find a way or several ways and we'll try them all. If that makes me stupid then that's fine. But that's what i want right now.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
I just want to move forward. I want to repair things if they need to
be repaired and just move forward.
It is what it is. And while i think i know now why it hurts, the clean
up is what wakes me up in the middle of the night and the implications
are what leave me feeling defenseless and panicked.
I don't want it to be the first thing I think about or the last thing
I think about. I don't want to think about it at all, actually. But it
was so entrenched in everything that I did (I made it that way) that I
feel like i have to alter every behavior to be able to change.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
After writing this and being interrupted so many times, I'm not sure how much I'll get done tonight. I didn't sleep much last night and Fringe has sucked me in for the last hour or so. I'll do my best though. I used to argue with my dad when he would say that that's all you can do. I'm not sure why, but that's funny to me now.
I'm excited about the trip. It's a big deal for us to get a meal out together, so it's extra special that we're going somewhere nice, on valentines day, together.
It's nice to know when i'll get to stop fighting. That's not very articulate. It's not that i'm going to give up or anything. It's just that for me, right now, it's very easy to be myself most of the time with someone I love and trust as much as him. Yes, I still fight to rein in my crazy and my anxiety (which, by the way, is so out of control that I actually said "I miss having medication to help deal with this", today) and maintain emotional balance. But it is so much less severe than the rest of the time. I don't think that explanation is very clear, but it is what it is right now.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YAvnOWc5uD0&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1
"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param
name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YAvnOWc5uD0&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1
" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"
allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
sent to everyone letting them know why i was missing a lot of work. I
got angry about it all over again.
While driving earlier, I realized I was feeling pretty paranoid and
sort of nutty in general. Got home to discover the dog had peed on the
bed (again!!!!) and on the couch. I should probably keep the vet
appointment and ask them to test him for a UTI. Bye-bye spending
money, been nice seeing you in the bank account. I couldn't figure out
why I was so tired yesterday (I went to be early and took a nap after
work ... not in that order) but then today I woke up with a sore
throat and runny nose which might be related. I've been feeling a
little nutty (in the scary way) lately and started looking back
through old journal entries and notes and it seems pretty much like a
pattern that this time of year doesn't turn out too well. It reminds
me of that time in high school where the shit hit the fan and
subsequently got messier and messier every day for a month or so.
There was an extended metaphor there but I can't recall it. It was
nasty. I learned that I was too trusting and I started to question if
I knew those people as well as I thought I did. They made our parents
come to the school and that didn't go as planned for them. I saw a
guidance counselor actually pull a teacher into a closet to talk about
me. I seriously considered hiding in the bathroom, but didn't.
Sometimes I look back on that and it seems like it could've been a
turning point and other times it seems like the most ridiculous
situation. It also reminds me about that time 3 years ago where I
missed the super bowl and couldn't write that ad paper because I was
out of it and they hadn't bothered to even try to get everything out
of my system so i was still under the influence and they were making
me walk around and do all the inpatient intake stuff. Eeesh. Maybe I
should take that mental health day i keep threatening to take. At
least i have a kick ass vacation planned. And by planned I mean i have
my plane reservations. I don't do much other planning when i go for a
visit. It's enough just to be in the same city.
More laundry is calling my name. Sometimes this dog really makes me
feel like a mom.