10.13.08

Last week, I was encouraged by all of the opportunities that were coming my and that I was bringing my way. Rejected on two out of three and no response on the third right now ... eventhough I was supposed to hear by now. It's really disheartening. Someone told me once, that it was important to recognize your own patterns, but that's currently not bringing me anything but anxiety. I'm really not in a great place and I'm really not sure what, if anything, i want to do about it. I'm on meds. I'm exercising and being creatively expressive. I'm working. I sorta feel at a loss for what else to do, honestly. I don't feel like I have any friends of my own really anymore. I feel like they've been nice enough to adopt me by proxy. My coworkers sort of grouped together and I, lacking good social graces, don't really fit that group. And by not being a gay male (despite the way some of those facebook photos looked ... ha, ha, right?) I don't really fall into that other group. It's probably a bad sign that the CEO/president/(whatever quirky title i'm supposed to put on his business card) asked me why I don't smile much in the halls anymore. Why is it always men who notice that? It's seriously been awhile since someone said that to me. I miss the friends I used to have. I miss the connections that used to be there. I know i've said this probably countless times before, but isn't this supposed to be one of those awesome points in your life? Shouldn't I be thriving instead of sinking? I don't even want to write some of what i'm dealing with or feeling because I don't want someone to get in the way of how I might want to cope with it. How frikin messed up is that?!?! I really wanted this journal to be positive and about creativity and creating and crafting and all that stuff that I wish was the focus of my life. I'm scared of myself. I feel like I'm losing myself to whatever's going on in my head. It gets worse everytime it comes back around. It's been a few years since my last major breakdown, maybe it's just time for another one. I just can't be awake much longer tonight. Maybe I'll shower again and then sleep or try to eat something, as awful as that sounds.