zzzzzzz.......

I could certainly use some sleep. And maybe some ice for my hand.

ugh

I felt so sick in the shower this morning that I seriously considered
just returning to bed and letting my monday start later in the day.
I'm currently glad that I didn't because I have 19 folders on my desk
and throughout my office that need my attention. Some are even so kind
as to label themselves "HOT!!!". My headache might burst through my
skull, but work won't build up. Priorities, I suppose.

4.23.09

I'm worried about you.

Clothes ... most of mine are starting to look not-so-nice anymore. And
it's really not doing much for my self esteem. Things are getting
holes or stains or hems are falling out. Holes and hems, I can
sometimes fix, but stains aren't really as easy and even holes can
look ratty once repaired. It's super embarrassing that these jeans I
love so dearly are wearing thin where my body rubs together. Yuck.

I'm going through withdrawal from my meds and it's really got me on
edge. If anyone could spare some extra patience, self-love, or
enthusiasm I know a few people who could use it.

holding out

It's 2 minutes after 11 and I'm already trying to avoid looking at the
clock so I don't go completely batty trying to hold out for lunch. I'm
not hungry, I just need a break. I think I'll go home. Crawl into bed
for 15 mins or so ... that's all I can spare, really if I drive home
for lunch. Yet another reason to move. I have an awful headache and my
eyes are burning. :(

The dog's eye was swollen shut when I first woke up this morning :( I
hope it's nothing serious ... he was picking on the cats last night,
maybe they scratched him?

I really don't feel better this morning. I was supposed to.

"would i be read if I was see through or would you just read my spine?"

I feel like my eyes have glazed over and my brain has fogged over from
doing the same, mundane thing all day. Even the sugar from the it's-
your-birthday-but-not-really-yet cupcakes hasn't done much for my
alertness. I even paired it with coffee. :( I'm restless at night. And
feeling the heavy, creeping weight of depression sinking in over my
body today. I'm trying to fight it off. I'm reaching out. I'm
breathing. I'm stretching. I'm doodling. I'm writing. I'm starting to
think that people that matter to me think I like it this way. I'm
afraid they think I don't fight, don't try to be different. I gotta
say, it hurts. Lately I find myself thinking about things that
shouldn't be surfacing again, but they are. I'm not sure what to do
with them. I'm very thankful that between the stuff I picked up two
days ago, the stuff I got on Monday, and the other thing I got this
morning, I seem to have managed two horrible girly-part problems
without the doctor. Granted, one night was spent awake, on the toilet
and in the shower, crying and considering going to urgent care, but
they're handled now. IDK if you read this babe, but I thought of a
fairly easy way to make what you were talking about last night happen
and soon too. (vague - check, odd - check, sorry - not so much ....
ha! ... okay i'm really lame.) It's still weird sometimes. That some
certain people are missing on birthdays. 18 - 22 saw so much of the
same crowd. It's time to let go, though, and make new memories! Right?
Don't get me wrong, I love new friends. But it hasn't really been that
long since those older friends were my only friends. So I'm not going
to be too hard on myself for missing them sometimes. Missing the
comfort of routine and familiarity. Blah. Today feels rather ... blah-
esq. I'm so glad I have a four day weekend. I neeeed a break. And I
need to stop bitching here.

I love your body, even if you don't.

pics for no real reason

Kodak Contest on Budget Savvy Bride!!!

Check out this amazing give-away over at the Budget Savvy Bride!!




Wouldn't that make a great replacement for my had-it-since-highschool and duct-taped-shut camera that just died!?!?! Any brides to be out there should enter.

Every one's brains...

At some point, every brain takes a millisecond to go "what if...".
Sometimes, I'm just not sure what to do with that.

Hesitation

My birthday is this weekend. I'm not thrilled about turning 24, but ya
know ... it happens. I guess. I'm just hoping the party goes well and
the rest of the weekend goes well and money works. I had honestly
hoped to buy myself a new party dress or to sew one, but that's a
pretty silly notion. I think I'll scrap the egg hunt too. In favor of
drinks and idk what else really. I mean who eats a party anymore? Okay
well who eats at a party where the focus is drinking? IDK

I'm really having an incredibly hard time not just breaking down after
looking over finances this morning. I'm so so so so so so so over it.
I just want to scream and cry and tell everyone how not fair it is
that we both work so goddamned hard, but that it's never ever enough.
But instead i've contacted the bank about the fraudulent charges,
we're planning to call the landlord to see if he can take a partial
payment or wait to cash it till the 15th. Anxiety is so out of control
that meds are seemingly useless today. I need to go to the store and
get something + a bday card for a coworker, but where's that money
going to come from?

Let's start off with some recent crafts ... these have very little to
do with hesitation except that my digital camera is broken and I don't
like posting craft stuff without photos. I've been recycling old
clothes and fabric remnants into new clothes and products for my Etsy
and Artfire shops. I made a tube top that was way too large in the top
so I created a rose-like gathering in the center to handle the excess
fabric without adding another seam and I'm really happy with it. It's
made from a simple white t-shirt that was too large for me. I also
deconstructed a broken dress to make a pattern for a long halter tank
with a fitted top and a contrasting section beneath the bustline. It's
reversible which I'm amazed with, and the strap is braided scraps of
the same shirt. Funky but cute. I have trouble fitting the chest of
most of the things i'm making. I don't know if I'm not taking accurate
measurements or if I'm missing an integral concept. wooo! Just scored
a dressform off of Freecycle which will hopefully help ooodles! Next
step is to raid the library's sewing books! Maybe at lunch tomorrow?
Ehh the library that's closest is a very small branch but their craft
section is good. I should look online tonight and see if I can get
them shifted over there this week.

So I've been avoiding writing about a couple of things here for a
couple of reasons. 1. I'm a bit afraid members of my family have
navigated here from either a facebook note or some other way and 2.
I'm not sure how people will react because I do know at least one
person reads this. But whatever. I need to write about it. I don't
really talk about it with friends in detail or in terms of feelings so
here it is that I should spread a little of it out of my head. So FH
and I have what most people would term an "open relationship". I'm not
sure I find the term appropriate because it's not like it's completely
open, but I can't come up with a clearer one so i'll use it for now.
It's not completely open as in anyone, anytime, anywhere, but we have
an agreement that affords up playtime with people other than one
another. We have an agreement (a la Ethical Slut) that works for us.
It's discussed and modified, as needed. In recent weeks we've become
much better about communicating about it and sort of through it. In
the beginning, it was mainly us playing with a person or people
together, but we've recently begun to have some playtime separately.
That combined with his T, means alot of playtime is being had ...
which is great and i mean REALLY great. But there's a part of my brain
that's battling with having so many playmates, especially in a small
time period. It's sort of an internalized-homophobia, but slut-o-
phobia(?) ... not a word i know ... but I'm going for meaning here
people. I enjoy it, so it's not something that I want to stop simply
because i have some downward "bad-luck-zone" feelings about myself in
conjunction with it. I feel weird being explicit here because I'm
typing from work but I sort of feel the need to be more graphic to
explain some more. But I guess it's not necessary. It's rewarding at
least in part to feel that so many different types of people can be
attracted to you or at least deem you 'worthy of play'. And it's
informative, I guess to learn more about yourself and what you like
and to expand your definition of who you are.

Work to be done. Possibly more later.

Material Girl

We're okay with money right now. But we're just okay and there's often
little or medium sized things that slip though the cracks and make
problems. But we're able to pay our bills once and once in awhile when
we need help, we have a great support system that is able to help.
However (and this often correlates with different cycles and moods,
but I won't blame it on that) lately I have alot of nonessential
"wants". Things that I'd love to indulge in that are mainly selfish
and not utilitarian in any way. For example, I've been looking at
jewelry and clothing more and more lately. And shoes too. You'd think
I wouldn't like to buy jewelry since I used to spend so much time
making it, but I've found some really amazing pieces via Ponoko
lately. Speaking of which, I would love to drop like $200 bucks there
and/or at Spoonflower to order some of my own designs. Spoonflower is
fabric and Ponoko is a laser cutting and etching service, but with
tons of variety in materials and sizes and colors. I've uploaded
designs to both but only gotten swatches of some fabric and nothing
from Ponoko. I'd love to spoil myself with some new clothes form Indie
designers on Etsy and around. And a new camera. Oh man would I love to
drop a grand on a new tricked out camera. But immediately i'd also
like to pay off a credit card, hospital bills, a defunct bank acct,
money back to my parents and get some into savings. le sigh. Anyways.
I was feeling materialistic so I thought i'd blog. Cause blogging is a
bit narcissistic and being materialistic reminds me of narcissism.

That is all.