Monday, December 29, 2008

Things I can do. The first 50.

In no particular order ... 100 things I can do to help myself.

1. Put up curtains in the bedroom so I can sleep better.
2. Fall asleep first and earlier so that my sleep is better.
3. Get up earlier to at least go for a walk, if not a run or an early morning class (once $ evens out).
4. Create a financial plan and stick to it. Trust is that plan and stop the day to day worrying once the day to day stuff is handled.
5. Start saving.
6. For every 2 hours I work, take a 10 to 15 minute break.
7. Draw, write, or create in some way everyday.
8. Walk away when I need to.
9. Spend time training Odysseus.
10. Take more photographs.
11. Clean out clothes and other possessions for a yard-sale or donation to clear up the house.
12. Consume more raw foods.
13. Find a way to get back on all of my meds.
14. Join an online support group.
15. Stop Calling people names ... even in my head.
16. Stop threatening people and things.
17. Stop punching walls. (Pretty sure my knuckle is damaged)
18. Socialize more -- if the given situation involves more money than I'm willing to spend, suggest alternatives instead of giving up.
19. Make a list of 5 things that I'm grateful for everyday.
20. Explore the things I want to explore, regardless of what category they fall into.
21. Don't stop being honest and open, just do it in a nicer way.
22. Take time after work (or when needed) to decompress. Insist on it, if you have to.
23. Indulge in foods that taste good without feeling the guilt. Deprivation doesn't work.
24. Wear my glasses, even at home - it eliminates some headaches.
25. Take some time to dress the way I want to. Even if that means sewing the clothes I want.
26. Tell him everyday why and how I love him.
27. Be proud.
28. Reach out to old friends.
29. Make new ones.
30. Explore more of Tallahassee.
31. Cook at least one new recipe a month (a week?)
32. Don't indulge in self deprecation.
33. Learn to crochet
34. Mandalas (I should pre-draw some circles for work time)
35. Learn new knitting stitches.
37. Revamp my etsy store/store brand
38. Try freelance photography or design work
39. Work on centering and grounding.
40. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.
41. Taking a mental health day is not a crime.
42. Be a "duck in water"
43. Breathe, breathe, and breathe again
44. Notice the details and embrace them.
45. Make and utilize to-do lists.
46. Ask about sliding scales for payments for various places.
47. Sketch freely and without such shame.
48. Let go of things.
49. Kiss.
50. Give good hugs.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Monday, December 22, 2008

whine, whine, whine ...

My BMI puts me into the overweight-for-your-height category and I am totally not okay with that. I need a break from all this worrying I can't seem to let go of. The weather should make up its mind ... hot as heck last week and freezing today. I always make it so stressful for me to go home. It's ridiculous. I picked up some more hair dye while i was out at lunch. I keep buying the really cheap stuff so it doesn't stay, but I feel like the length is so goofy right now that it needs some spice in another way. I'm going to have to remember to do wash as soon as I get to my parents house. If traffic's bad, I'm worried about missing tacos. Part of me is pretty scared to even go. Ugh.
"Stand by for another breakdown..."

Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm beyond frustrated with financial worries.
I'm so worried about how sick oz is and i can't do ANYTHING about it.
I just want to curl up in a ball and CRY.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I really don't have high hopes for the day when I get here and get an email basically saying that "I heard you didn't know how to handle that project". WTF!??!?!

I ate breakfast this morning. I know it's what you're supposed to do, but not only do I feel bad for spending a little bit of money on it, but also feel bad for eating. I am ready to cry and it's just now 9 am. Can I go home and start again? Maybe by deciding to sleep forever?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

"ohh you need to be loved"

Hopefully taco party pans out.

On another note NY in like a little under 48hrs. OMFG!!! I'm going to freeze but that's fine. We're going to amazing places, staying with a friend, and hoping like hell my camera holds up. Plus we NEED a vacation and I haven't taken a real one since I was like 12. I didn't really sleep much last night getting ready for this show today. I'm a bit terrified, honestly. Only my second show and I'm by myself. At least last time I was surrounded by family and fiancé. Well he wasn't then, but whatev. I really didn't sleep last night and I'm not anticipating alot of sleep tonight and not really any on Friday night. It's messing with my head. I know I'm totally capable of functioning on little sleep but still .... right now i'm dragging. And should be working. Yay! for Etsy sales though. Hopefully can find time to pour some candles and soaps tonight. Doubtfull with needing to pack and all. And the show. Hmmm maybe not.

"I'm just as nervous as you, but last night I took one look at you and I got this feeling you're the right one."

Monday, December 8, 2008

"and you called action"

Chasing Cars lyrics
-snow patrol-
We'll do it all
On our own

We don't need
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I'm feeling pretty damn emo today, if you can't tell. I don't' feel well physically and I just want to crawl back into bed with my fiance and sleep for a few more hours. Neither of us are feeling great which sucks since we're supposed to leave for our first (my first since I was like 12) vacation very early morning Saturday. We're supposed to be at the airport somewhere around 3:40am. I do fine on little to no sleep, but I'm worried about my baby. Plus he hates flying :( A few people @ work have been avoiding me and i know it's only bothering me today because I'm moody, but isolation is weighing heavily on me today. I know I could get up, but everyone looks like i'm intruding.

Can somone please just put my self-esteem out of its misery?

Friday, December 5, 2008

It's not about you ...

I'm letting go of a former "you" today. I'm sifting the memories and the times shared. I'm cleaning my heart and my head and my soul. There was a time when this "you" was good for them all, but definitely plenty times of the opposite. It seems that every time I think I'm neutral I get stung by something small. But today I'm letting go. Maybe somewhere down the line, the word friend will float in off of some unexpected breeze, but I won't hold my breath. Not that I ever was.

My biggest fear is that I've lost everyone else from back then. I know it's not true, but it feels DAMN close to that when I let myself think about it. So in reality I just don't think about it. But thanks Facebook, thanks.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Officially forever.