Monday, November 24, 2008
Is it that they make you more able
in this disunion of junk?
So what, ya know, so what if I'm a girl who likes to dress like a boy occasionally and sometimes likes to fuck like one too? So what if i'm just a plain jane girl who doesn't give a shit about feminist politics, likes to be used for pleasure and could care less what's between your legs? And you know what? I don't think of it as dressing like a boy. I think of it as dressing like me. So fuck all thes damn labels. So what if I want long hair that curls and a month later I want a faux-hawk. It doesn't mean i'm "butching" it up. I find that offensive. It means I want a change in my hair.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
So I'm a really angry, violent, abusive, harsh, button-pushing person. I read people quickly enough to know how to anger them, probably before I know how to please them. It's disgusting. It's, personality-wise, the most disgusting thing about me. I used to hide it well. I'd only take it out on myself and when, on the rare occasion, it manifested outwardly it was written off as being teenage-rebellion -- isn't it nice how people make excuses for you? As an adult, it's become not so easy to hide and not so easy to excuse. I'd like to say I just need to learn to think before I speak, but it's not that. Hate me yet? (yeah, me too) It's deliberate and targeted. It comes out when I feel like I'm losing control. The fights that I've had that have turned physical have been my doing. I have pushed them to that level. It's gross. Seriously if i knew what part of the brain controlled this, I'd have a partial lobotomy. I find it really hard to control because it is such an obvious way for me to reclaim control: to cause a reaction. It's very similar to why I injure myself sometimes - the need to be in complete control. Control is a huge thing for me. I feel out of control (or like I'm losing control) when I feel unstable, unusually emotional, excessively needy, incompetent, overwhelmed, vulnerable, weak, like I'm about to lose something or someone important because of my own actions *that's a HUGE one*, and I feel out of control when I feel like I can't control myself. Like when I can see myself become this emotional snowball rolling towards everyone and everything in my life. So alot of my thoughts center around maintaining control over myself and my situation, lately that seems nearly impossible which makes me feel more out of control and this really sick cycle has developed and I HAVE/NEED/MUST break it. There's this theory about separating your rational mind from your emotional mind and the rational mind *accepts* and i think i need to apply this in this situation. (this is getting less coherent because i am getting tired, but i've needed to write like i needed to breathe)
I also seemingly fly off the handle and get angry or blow up at seemingly little things. Well they're not so little in my head. The long and the short of it is that I can't/don't/won't (don't know which yet) let go of little things and eventually little things build to huge massive beasts of things that would make normal people get mad and throw things or scream or some similar vice. Maybe an example? (this is related to black and white thinking as well) Okay so I've been having some cognitive problems since the overdose and I'm not sure if they're related to the new meds or the overdose itself or whatever. So I have trouble finding the right word say at like 9am, somethign I used to pride myself on (words). Lets say at 9:30am I fill out the estimate column incorrectly and the account manager gets really pissed off and comes to inform me that it's wrong. Great, been at work less than an hour and already failed twice. Yes, to me those are both failures. See above: failure = loss of control over myself = freak out. This early and this small is probably contained inward, maybe I think (if i'm letting myself cut) that it's probably time for a cut or two (small ones) as punishment/focal points to recenter myself. Whatever, day progresses. Later I spill soup on myself (think gross=slob=failure to maintain satisfactory appearance/appear in control). That'd probably stay to a tear or two hidden nicely in the bathroom while I tried to wash the soup out. If i was already feeling rough and was in a place where I was letting myself feel this way, I'd think I didn't deserve the soup and find a way to get it out of my system. (**for real, i'm not sure why i'm putting this out here, but I'm not exaggerating and I'm sort of freaking out writing about this with this much honesty**) So even say idk two hours later some other work minor (from an outside perspective) malfunction ... missed shipping date or something else that sends an account manager looking to switch to a different production person because they beleive that i don't have enough experience to handle their projects. Super failure on my part (feeling incompetent = being incompetent = failing at job = freaking out about losing job = SNOWBALL). So I can probably keep that tucked away while I manage the minicrisis and keep busy and interacting with people to avoid nuclear meltdown. So the day continues, I snap at the bf over IM or on the phone (think: Failure to set aside work, failure to be a good SO, failure to love, failure to be normal, failure to find a positive framework, failure to continue any good any year of therapy has had, failure to be a human, failure to be positive, failure to maintian relationship THINK: eventually he's going to get tired of me and this bullshit and the awful way i treat him WHILE THINKING secretly he sees through to the needy vulnerablity and fear of losing him) Yeah it's fuuuuuuuucked up. Driving home lets say, he seems distant I blame myself for his mood, fear that it will get worse and i'll still be the cause (have i mentioned how selfish I am?) and start thinking the same failure thoughts above. Then lets say we get home and I burn part of dinner and snap that I don't want to do the dishes. (THINK: I suck at everything in life and will never be any good at anything domestic or related to other people THINK: maybe some people are just meant to be alone THINK: I'm such an awful person I deserve to be alone...). So then say two hours or so later I'm crafting and I slip with a stamp and it prints smudged. *!*!*!BAM!*!*!*! (Stay with me - it's gonna get bad, paranoid, selfish and dangerous) THOUGHT TRAIN: I'm such a fucking failure I'm stressing myself out with the one thing that's supposed to destress me right now > I'm such a moron I would normally be able to do this if I could think clearer about what I was doing > I'm a stupid shit for taking all those pills and this is life's way of reminding me not only that I failed yet again at ending my own life, but also that I took all of them > I'm failing at everything and it's only a matter of time before I completely lose control and really flip out in public and then everyone knows how nuts I really am > he already knows how nuts I really am or at least has an idea and it's only a matter of time before he realizes what a failure he's fallen in love with and... (i'm so sorry if you're reading this anyone). [*it gets worse but I think that's as logically as I can take it right now*] By this time i'm probably screaming and have most likely thrown something or punched myself in the head (no joke). Every stored failure from the day or maybe even the week or the month or whatever has slammed down on me in a matter of seconds and I've completely lost control. Which makes it worse. I have to stop here. I'm so tired I can't see straight anymore.
I do have to say that writing this down like this makes it really easy to see the flaws, but i've really started to have this brainstorm of ideas of ways I can manage this during the day and when i get home every day. wow. that sounds cliche and like a huge shift but I'm serious. thank god or whatever. I just don't want to forget while I sleep tonight. *crossed fingers toes, etc*
I do want to work backwards through this at some point. There's more to do too. Lots of course. I really wish i could i dont even knwo. I'm crying again and really overwhelmed. I'm a mess. Ugh.
I made the decision to die. I had, in all honesty, made it before that night and maybe even before that week. Despite not believing in much if any afterlife, death hasn't really scared me. I was waiting until I had time alone and until I felt the bottom. Sort of like when you jump in the deep end for the first time. You trust fully that your feet will eventually hit the bottom, so you close your eyes and wait during the descent. When I found that bottom or what I had decided was sufficietly low enough, I went home and cleaned up the house bit. I put the groceries away, fed the animals and began writing a letter. Oddly, didn't think of it as a suicide note until very close to the end of the page. It probably would've been different, had I thought of it that way. I had just become accustomed to writing out my thoughts when my voice failed me for one of many reasons. I started taking pills. Then stopped for while to shower and cut myself. I took apart a pencil sharpener for the blades, a usefull/less skill I learned in highschool. I was feeling pretty desperate though, so I used pliers instead of taking the time to find a screw driver. I came back to the bed after the shower and cut myself even more. I was terrified and amazed and sickened by the amount of anger and damage I was unleashing upon myself. I can't actually get rid of that short video in my head. It strikes without warning and is responsible for seemingly random tears and nausea.
After sort of cleaning myself and the surrounding areas, I decided that I wasn’t feeling the effects of the pills I had taken so I grabbed the rest. Literally everything I could find, except oz’s meds and some vitamins. A slight panic had started somewhere in my head, but to squash it, I swallowed faster. I remembered that the last time I was taken to the hospital for an overdose the first thing the doctor had said to me was “thank god you didn’t take advil”. So I made sure I did, along with several boxes of several forms of cold medicine all containing acetaminophen. And then, as far as I can remember I laid down to go to sleep like any night that I was sleeping alone. Oz came in, to change, I think or grab a jacket and I spoke, and slurred my words. And he knew something wasn’t right. From that point on things get hazy as far as details and timelines until sometime in the ICU Sunday evening. There was a lot of charcoal and vomiting. Lots of IVs and nurses. I overheard some awful comments about how they shouldn’t even bother to clean the cuts since I obviously wanted them or how pointless it was to help someone who was a “repeat offender”. In the next few hours I started to hate myself for giving in and going to the hospital, for quitting and for not ripping the IVs out and for taking the charcoal. I regretted that Oscar had to find me like that. To come home to that. And thought of all sorts of other ways things could’ve happened that could’ve been easier on him, from my perspective at least. The thing I find strange is that one, maybe 2 people have asked “why?”. Maybe it’s obvious. Maybe no one thinks it’s any of their business. Maybe they’re like some of the people I’ve talked to and they feel like it’s not a very important detail. I had reached a point where I was damn tired of struggling through everyday just to function. Tired of feeling like everything I did was wrong and everything I touched would fail. Like things would never change and never better. Tired of feeling useless and unable to help anyone around me. Tired of feeling like the things that I wanted to accomplish were pointless and would never happen. Hopeless, fat, useless, and like the only thing I could do was cause pain to those around me. Unfortunately I can’t say those beliefs are gone given the turmoil that I still feel exists because of me. Yes it was and is extremely selfish. But I’ve discovered more and more lately that that word describes me fairly accurately. So, inpatient time led to new diagnoses and new labels and new things that are harder to wrap my head around. I’m having a very hard time feeling like in a matter of weeks I have gone from being capable of dealing with just depression and anxiety to being overwhelmed by very simple day to day tasks. How is it that with a supposedly corrected diagnosis, meds, and a different type of therapy I’m missing more work, failing to repair relationships, and have hurt myself and nearly everyone around me even more than before?
It’s hard to keep my head up, to be honest.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
called and ... I think I just found the straw that's breaking this
camel's back. It's not even really a big deal but on top of everything
I want to work a full day, seriously i want to. And I need to $$ wise.
And tomorrow too because Wed I won't be able to be in because of all
the appointments. I wish I could go get a haircut. So at least I
wouldn't feel like I looked like crap.
I'd like to go do this stupid show this weekend, but there's money for
gas to get down there.
My stomach is really upset.
This sucks so bad. I just want to scream into an abyss -- Garden State
If i'm going to do the show, I need to decide tonight and get
everything tagged, priced, and build some sort of display something or
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I don't think i've taken the time to properly wrap my head around the new diagnoses and what they really mean in the long-term life sense and the daily sense. Some more things are explained by them, but several new questions and problems have arisen. I need to do some reading to really understand all three (four?) and how they work together and what that means for me and how or what i need to change or adjust to better my life. It's been waaaaaaaaaay harder than i imagined to get back into "normal" life. I'm scared and a wreck.
Friday, November 7, 2008
My poster for TWLOHA day. Next week.
Write it on your arms, live it in your life, speak it in your words.
Maple, Independence of Mind
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and
reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences,
sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily,
complicated love life, wants to impress.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I went on this great run tonight. All the way to airport road and back in less than 11 minutes, but then i came back and ATE the like huge fatty I am.
So .... I really could use a drink. But my i'm told my liver is still recovering and alcohol isn't a good idea. The less I'm able to drink the more I realize how close I was to addiction. That's not what fucked up my liver, btw. The massive overdose of basically emptying the medicine cabinet into my stomach was responsible for that. Spent a week in the hospital. 2 full days in ICU, one in the ER. My work lied for me and said i had mono. I'm not doing alot better, to be honest. Okay let me clarify ... i'm a wreck. I packed my bags last night for the hospital again and was ready to go back, but decided to get work stuff in order and i'm waiting for tomorrow's appt. I'm exhausted by telling people at work that i'm still feeling tired or whatever since they ask about teh mono. I'm terified i'll flip and just scream the truth. I don't feel comfortable being on my own. I don't want to be alone. I don't trust myself. I have to listen to songs i can sing to and really really focus on the words to be an okay driver. As in not wishing and praying for another car to run a redlight or something similar. I have an appointment each day for the next two days. My boss and I had a very very good and very very candid conversation when I finally came back to work. And I appreciate that and it even pointed out things i had missed as signs, but work is still really difficult. I went back for half days at first. I have appointments the next two days, but I'm very seriously considering going back inpatient (could you maybe come visit if that happens and i'm having a day where i'd like to see someones?). I left the hospital with two new diagnosis (of course one I argue with a bit) but they're hard to wrap my head around and hard to handle and are actually making this harder to deal with in some ways. This attempt was so different for me than all of the ones in the past. And so has my return to "normal" society. I'm really not sure I belong here. One of my biggest goals was to reach out to people more and use my support system and in some ways I have really done that, mainly by being more honest, but i have really failed at that as well. I've let myself reach to really bad habits and i swear it's almost an addiction. I haven't made it a day without it. But I'm here, so .... balance i guess. I tried being very very honest with my mother. We went shopping because i admitted to my weight gain and hinted at the reasons behind it. While we were shopping, I detailed the 40+lbs i've gained since sophmore year of college. And what I weigh now. Now, there's part of my brain that says she should be able to do the math and realize that that meant i was 117lbs fully clothed (@5'9") and not tell me that maybe I should start watch what i eat. That was discouraging. Whatever. I'm a horrible partner. I am mean as all get out. I fight dirty and I need to seriously need to work on it or I'm going to lose everyone. This is discouraging and not bringing me comfort or peace of mind. I'm going to abandon this for now. There's a meme below for whatever reason i found it and did it at work. I realy want to sit down and be honest about alot of things. I'm tried of trying to remember who knows what and what lies to tell and what things to not mention and worrying about who i scare the shit out of and ugh. Whatever. Pity party for one now ending for now. How am I supposed to do this?
I wonder where the other few went below?
10. Marriage is: in the future.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking: sleeping with many people. at once.
12. I'll always be: unstable.
13. I have a secret crush on: my boyfriend. shhhh.
14. The last time I cried was because: i was thinking I should head back to the hospital.
15. My cell phone: is really just a texter.
16. When I wake up in the morning: i try to get the animals off of the bed.
17. Before I go to sleep at night: i try not to break apart
18. Right now I am thinking about: losing some poundage
19. Babies are: very attentive to my sweetpea
20. I get on myspace: when i feel isolated.
21. Today: has been a hard hard day.
22. Tonight I will: craft with erin and maybe work on a lil thing we're cookin up.
23. Tomorrow I will: try to only cry 4 times. And stay away from sharps.
24. I really want: to not be nauseated.
25. The person who means the most to me in the world right now: my big bad wolf.
So yay for obama! (i cried a little) And a nice big middle finger to the 3% of floridian voters who made up the 3% that pushed Amendment 2 over the 60% needed. (i sobbed)
How am i going to do this? Seriously.