Monday, November 3, 2008

Please ask questions if you have any.

Actually, I've done very very little of anything. I'm cold. It's a deep, frightening cold that feels like it reaches deeper than skin and bones. I feel really conflicted right now. I have this HUGE desire to just get it all out. Like every last thing ... to the point where i've considered doing like a mental health 101 for the staff at my work. Which isn't the same thing but they're connected and this is my journal so run with it. I'm tired of trying to not mention certain insecurities around certain people because I'm not sure they know that that's something that I struggle with or a bajillion other reasons. I haven't really talked to anyone about what happened. And i think I need to but at the same time I don't want to. My brain has been carrying a couple details around that just won't leave and aren't okay to share. Or for the most part they aren't but they're so vivid (i guess is the word) that I feel compelled. Only one person has asked (other than the docs) "why?". Which I would guess comes from not wanting to intrude or be rude but it makes you wonder if everyone just expected it and rationalized it on their own.

I went on this great run tonight. All the way to airport road and back in less than 11 minutes, but then i came back and ATE the like huge fatty I am.

So .... I really could use a drink. But my i'm told my liver is still recovering and alcohol isn't a good idea. The less I'm able to drink the more I realize how close I was to addiction. That's not what fucked up my liver, btw. The massive overdose of basically emptying the medicine cabinet into my stomach was responsible for that. Spent a week in the hospital. 2 full days in ICU, one in the ER. My work lied for me and said i had mono. I'm not doing alot better, to be honest. Okay let me clarify ... i'm a wreck. I packed my bags last night for the hospital again and was ready to go back, but decided to get work stuff in order and i'm waiting for tomorrow's appt. I'm exhausted by telling people at work that i'm still feeling tired or whatever since they ask about teh mono. I'm terified i'll flip and just scream the truth. I don't feel comfortable being on my own. I don't want to be alone. I don't trust myself. I have to listen to songs i can sing to and really really focus on the words to be an okay driver. As in not wishing and praying for another car to run a redlight or something similar. I have an appointment each day for the next two days. My boss and I had a very very good and very very candid conversation when I finally came back to work. And I appreciate that and it even pointed out things i had missed as signs, but work is still really difficult. I went back for half days at first. I have appointments the next two days, but I'm very seriously considering going back inpatient (could you maybe come visit if that happens and i'm having a day where i'd like to see someones?). I left the hospital with two new diagnosis (of course one I argue with a bit) but they're hard to wrap my head around and hard to handle and are actually making this harder to deal with in some ways. This attempt was so different for me than all of the ones in the past. And so has my return to "normal" society. I'm really not sure I belong here. One of my biggest goals was to reach out to people more and use my support system and in some ways I have really done that, mainly by being more honest, but i have really failed at that as well. I've let myself reach to really bad habits and i swear it's almost an addiction. I haven't made it a day without it. But I'm here, so .... balance i guess. I tried being very very honest with my mother. We went shopping because i admitted to my weight gain and hinted at the reasons behind it. While we were shopping, I detailed the 40+lbs i've gained since sophmore year of college. And what I weigh now. Now, there's part of my brain that says she should be able to do the math and realize that that meant i was 117lbs fully clothed (@5'9") and not tell me that maybe I should start watch what i eat. That was discouraging. Whatever. I'm a horrible partner. I am mean as all get out. I fight dirty and I need to seriously need to work on it or I'm going to lose everyone. This is discouraging and not bringing me comfort or peace of mind. I'm going to abandon this for now. There's a meme below for whatever reason i found it and did it at work. I realy want to sit down and be honest about alot of things. I'm tried of trying to remember who knows what and what lies to tell and what things to not mention and worrying about who i scare the shit out of and ugh. Whatever. Pity party for one now ending for now. How am I supposed to do this?

I wonder where the other few went below?

10. Marriage is: in the future.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking: sleeping with many people. at once.

12. I'll always be: unstable.

13. I have a secret crush on: my boyfriend. shhhh.

14. The last time I cried was because: i was thinking I should head back to the hospital.

15. My cell phone: is really just a texter.

16. When I wake up in the morning: i try to get the animals off of the bed.

17. Before I go to sleep at night: i try not to break apart

18. Right now I am thinking about: losing some poundage

19. Babies are: very attentive to my sweetpea

20. I get on myspace: when i feel isolated.

21. Today: has been a hard hard day.

22. Tonight I will: craft with erin and maybe work on a lil thing we're cookin up.

23. Tomorrow I will: try to only cry 4 times. And stay away from sharps.

24. I really want: to not be nauseated.

25. The person who means the most to me in the world right now: my big bad wolf.

So yay for obama! (i cried a little) And a nice big middle finger to the 3% of floridian voters who made up the 3% that pushed Amendment 2 over the 60% needed. (i sobbed)

How am i going to do this? Seriously.


NervousHabit said...

Goddamn. 3%. I did not know that.

Well, we tried. And we'll try, try again to overturn the decision.

You know, my payday's this weekend. If you want a visitor, let me know. Maybe we can talk about this then. Or you can e-mail me back. Let me know.

Aliyah said...

I know things have been rough, but if you ever need company, call me, email me, whatever. I'll come up, if you want, or, you are more than welcome to come here. You'll always be welcome here. Besides, you're the one that told me, "babies and puppies can always make you smile". Well, I'm on short supply of the puppies, but the baby, I definitely have.

Jenni said...

Court - I haven't talked to you in a long long long time. But I stumbled on your blog, and wanted to say that I miss you and honestly, I thought things would be better by now... like maybe it was a highschool phase. I'm sorry that they aren't, but I love you and hope you find things that make you happy. If you need anything - let me know. I moved to Utah a couple years ago, so a visit isn't all that reasonable, but mail is! If it would be of some help or comfort send me your address! All my love Courtney.

Jenni Driver