Thursday, July 29, 2010

Today was a hell of a day.

At least my kitchen got fixed and despite being sunburned, my tits looked great today (it's important to appreciate those sorts of things). Pretty much feels like every other thing went wrong. Including forgetting to take things out of the cooler from the beach, not talking to chris about something important very early this morning, not eating dinner because i felt so sick, mom questioning my judgment at work, my boss taking more work away from me, two projects failing horribly, and this headache/dizziness/nausea that is pretty much ruling my life. I came home with grand intentions of staying up all night to bake and enjoy myself, but I ate some crackers in another failed attempt to settle my stomach and fell asleep on the couch for a bit. I woke up congested, dizzy, and in some serious pain. I've taken advil again, but it's really not doing anything. Being nauseated every day isn't really helping. Actually, it's only since I started birth control. Also two periods a month isn't fun and it isn't nice and it isn't really fair to the people who have to deal with me. It also means my body isn't responding to the birth control, but my doctor won't admit that so I need to find a new doctor. I also need to find a therapist and psychiatrist that my insurance company will let me use because going outside of my insurance isn't an option with my budget, but it's pretty obvious to me that I need help. And by help, I mean I need to talk to a professional regularly and I need to be on medication. I'm really not sure how much longer the insurance company will stall me, but if work stress continues the way it is shit might go critical before that happens. It gets clearer and clearer to me everyday that i am becoming less equipped to handle thing. Yesterday I was just in tears at my desk during a phone call. Quiet tears of course, but tears. I'm pretty much failing to keep up with friends and i'm missing them and my family so much. A week or two ago, I was sleeping later than I should in the morning, sleeping at lunch, napping right after work and then taking a double dose of sleeping pills and getting into bed later. I stopped writing to try to eat some dinner, yes at 11 something at night ... and now I don't feel like writing anymore. Crap. Time to walk the dog and take a shower.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

i'm such a mess. A self medicating, imbecile who can't get shit right.