stinky

So i've basically stopped taking care of myself .... again. To give
myself credit, I did really well for a couple weeks. I ate really
good, healthy, balanced meals. Even breakfast! I did a yoga and
pilates routine. I went to bed before 3am.

I, in all honesty, can't figure out the last day I showered. Eww, I
guess. I think it was sunday. It's only wednesday so I don't feel too
appalled yet. I was almost late for work this morning because i was
looking up information that really didn't need to be synthesized by
me. I cried driving to work, back to the house, in the bathroom, and
back to work again at lunch ... for some reason that is lost to me. I
knew at the time. Each time. I've been taking allergy medicine for
sinus issues and also very much enjoying the sedating side effects.
Yes, it takes me longer to do my work but my crazy is asleep for a bit
so I just push down the anxious chorus pounding on my chest and can
go back to work. Mostly no harm, no foul. Mostly.

I really like Dexter. I thought the "dark passenger" metaphor/
characterization was a little cheesy these past two seasons, but it's
simple enough that it works. Definitely sad that they killed off that
one integral character that I don't want to spoil in case anyone
watches or reads, but not at the same time. I think the writers are
really good at manipulating how you feel about the characters and the
show sucks you in so well that you are able to be manipulated as
Dexter's feelings toward them change. It's really great writing. The
acting isn't shabby either.
This was going to go somewhere about the concept of the dark passenger.

What I'd really like to do is start getting up earlier. I don't enjoy
my job so I don't want to wake up just for my job and shut down when I
leave my job. I don't want to structure my days around something that
stresses me out so much and makes me grumpy and sweaty. I want work to
be something that I do in my day not the reason i get up for the day.
Does that even make sense? I don't care if it does because it does to
me.
This was going to go

I need to leave the office. This can be finished from home after
applications and shirts tonight.

out of the office before 7!!

"alligator tears cried over you"

There's been some things going on in life lately that have been
weighing heavily on me. Until today, I wasn't really able to
articulate them clearly enough. I thought I might feel better about
them after being able to define the source of some of this trouble,
but it hasn't helped. I'm pretty sure that it's actually made it
worse. It's also made me aware of other things I've been holding on
to. I'm pretty upset. I fell apart late last night and haven't done
well shaking it off. I'm taking a break to cry in the bathroom for a
bit.

whooops

I just zones out for almost an hour. uh oh :(

1/18/10

Having shoes that fit properly is a good feeling.

headspace (edited)

I'm in a really weird headspace right now. I feel really disconnected to the people around me and in my life. Work has been absolutely intense every day this week. Working from a little after 8am to after 7pm. The place that I worked launched a MAJOR national campaign this week and we're handling major promos for a couple other clients and we're still only 150 people or so. He and I have both been sick and not well which is really difficult when you're far away. I got rejected again today. It was harder than I had expected to hear because I wasn't really aware of how hopeful I'd become about it and how much I really wanted it until I really started to think about it last night and today. It all sort of came crashing down at work when I got the rejection email. I shouldn't have opened it at work, but I did and fell apart. I'm also in a weird place with moods, food, body, self care, friends, family, creativity, relationship, living arrangements and sex. (Does that leave anything out?) I want time to write and I accidentally took a nap a little while ago so I'm going to take a shower, make some tea and then come back here and, if I still feel up to it, get into this because I owe it to myself.


So the shower made me feel worse. And the tea didn't happen because I'm trying to be a considerate roommate and not microwave something at 2am and don't have a kettle and the pots are all dirty ... plus that's too much work for right now. I guess I'll have to write myself an IOU and pass for tonight. I'm going to try some meditation. (I wrote medication, which might happen too) The shortest summary is that i'm going through what's known as a mixed episode. As I'm learning more and starting to think about accepting this most recent diagnosis I'm able to identify some patterns in my life. This unfortunately doesn't fit the patterns i've noticed and my cycles have slipped away from what i thought was my pattern and i don't know what to say except it's getting worse. I've had three experiences that I don't know how to describe except to say that I lost contact with reality ... seriously was unable to decide what was real or not. It's not that this hasn't happened before, it's just never happened this often this close together and it's never not been connected to some really scary times. At least I'm aware though ... i guess. i dont' know. There's tons tons tons more that iwant to say and write about, but I think I need some quiet time away from electronics.

I feel like I should have known ...

The first thought through my brain when I woke up this morning was "oh
I don't feel well". At which point, I immediately shut off my alarm
and went back to sleep. That's not something that I like to do. I also
don't like to forget that I need to put gas in the car or be late for
work, but both of those also happened this morning. I went to bed
anxious and not feeling my best. I was worried but didn't want to call
because I didn't want to seem intrusive or needy or shirked. But I did
feel those things :( I mantra-ed to myself my new favorite quote about
jealousy because somewhere in my mind i was partially sure that
someone more interesting had come along. Not in a long-term way. But
then it sorta turned out that the worrying was warranted but not the
jealousy and i had other not-good feelings about that. I worked late
last night and it looks like that could happen again tonight. I'm
trying not to give into the reality that i'm sick, but it's definitely
reality. There's drama afoot at work lately and it makes it even more
difficult for me to be here. I want to run some errands after work to
pick up some soup and a couple things that I'd like to add to a
project that's become surprisingly near and dear to my heart, but it's
cold and i'm tired and obviously whiny. I'm also avoiding writing
about what I really wanted to write about today: irritation, anger,
and rage. I've thought about it in-depth and have spent quite some
time observing my relationship with those feelings and I'm not proud
of them but I feel the need to address it because they have SUCH an
impact on myself. I've been avoiding feeling anything for fear of
feeling those things lately because I feel so powerless and consumed
when those get into the mix. I think we're taught really interesting
things about those emotions and despite how useful I think they can be
at times, I've let them take a really destructive path through my life
in the past few years. My skin certainly bears the marks of that
truth. Although more times than I'd like to count I've sat in corners
mumbling and sobbing and staying away from everything and sitting on
my hands because I'm too afraid of myself to move. It's weird how self
preservation kicks in sometimes. I've decided that I don't really want
to dive into this topic fully where I am right now. I can feel the
tears. I think I'm going to set some time aside every couple of days
to write ... to write mindfully.

btw, style school so far seems to be a great decision.

wow, someone noticed that I colored my hair

I really hope the weirdness gong on with my brain/mental state is due
to the sickness and cold medicine.

If not, then it's officially okay to be worried.

uh hmmmm

Well, I sent in my TFA application. It's another long shot, but it's still a shot. I only told two people about it. Guess it's back to the rest of the applications tomorrow. So it's 3am and I'm up, shivering and digging the newest Coyote Grace songs. It's rather cold here. Gmail thinks it should be snowing, but I think it's wrong. It is supposed to drop below 20 tonight ... not exactly FL weather. I hope there's snow when I go up north again. Gotta get shoes first though. I don't have any that are appropriate except my running shoes and those aren't even really. So ... sometimes all the stuff going on in my brain makes it really difficult to concentrate. That's pretty much defined this week. Serious struggles. I wish I could describe it just for the sake of validating it in some form but i get confused and can't make everything overlap at the right rate. Maybe words aren't the right medium. Maybe typed words are incorrect. This is a worthless post. Worthless like most of my efforts. I want guitar lessons. Or maybe just some concentration and some time alone. Really alone, no dog no roomate in the house, no cat, etc. Unlikely. I can't focus. I've had 4 panic attacks in the last 7 days. I hadn't experienced a full blown one in more than 2 months. Not fun. I know i know i know. Go to the doctor get back on meds but it's not what i want right now and it's not what my damn bank account wants and I would consider just anx meds but i haven't found a doctor that doesn't push and that i feel respects my desires about not medicating. I know the stat and can calculate the odds just let me try for a little while. I know it's dangerous and i'm seeing the warning signs but i don't want that medicine coma back. The irony there is that i've been trying pretty hard to stay fairly sedated. I think the correct term for what i've been experiencing is a mixed episode. I hate manic symptoms for the most part. Except for when i think they're great, of course. I'm struggling with my body and weight and identity and sex. I don't and haven't told anyone many of the things that enter my head when i'm like this because i fear judgement. Some of it makes me laugh because it's so out there but i don't want to freak anyone out or just weird them out and i feel bad for thinking and wanting some of it lol I don't know how to explain it. It's like a double-shot of espresso ( that word does not have an X for those of you who incorrectly pronounce it...) combined with the skin-crawling weird ears/jaw thing that you feel when you pull a cotton ball apart and aching body with racing thoughts and confusion and somewhere in the whole mix you fall and want to die and can't think of anything except how insanely large the failure that you're breathing is. Yeah not making sense anymore. Enjoying the man's music now. Sometimes i really wish i felt more comfortable and less afraid of judgement about being in an open/poly-possible relationship. People talk about their experiences with their spouses or sig others and I want to chime in with something that seems so normal to me but i'm fortunately aware that it's not. I probably could and everyone at my current job considers me so eccentric that they might think i was joking or just take it in stride and talk about me later but i dont want to really risk it. Sometimes my head feels like when you watch a video and the audio are out of sync and it creates this dissonance but at the same time imagine hearing the parts of an orchestra warming up but on their own and not resolving into anythign coordinated. I'm afraid one of these days that it'll step out of hypomania or a mixed and actually just be mania. It's only happened like one and a half times before and NONE of it was pleasant. Repairing/cleaning up the aftermath was like rebuilding an intricate puzzle of some distant ex that you really knew really well but found out you didn't know that well when they cheated on you with someoen who was way more interesting than you. I think i should try to sleep. I really need my brain to turn off for a few hours. I hope i don't end up just staring at the ceiling. Sorry for the chaos. More later.

dissapointed

i don't feel like i've done anything today but eat. gross

cold toes

I have letters that I need to be writing. One in particular that needs
to be done ASAP. I've worked myself into quite the stressed little
ball over it. When I get this stressed out over something I tend to
think about it while doing everything else. I also get the urge to do
random things, like dye my hair, make marshmallows or shop for the
perfect purse-sized sketch pad. Not the most productive things. I've
decided that I won't do any of those things until I finish a draft of
the letter. I'd probably be more productive if I sat here in my office
and did it, truthfully. Do you hear all of the procrastination? :
( When I started this last night I really felt like I was making a
good decision. I'm trying not to get myself too hyped up about it
because it's sort of a long shot.

focus!

treat?

Did you do that head-tilt thing that dogs do when you say a word like
that to them? I did.

I'm having a heavy, crappy, self loathing sort of day. I want to get
out of it. No ... I want to get out of this place where most of my
days feel like this and where I can't even imagine mustering the
energy or courage it must take to work for that new place.

Just typing that made me tear up. It's the truth though. I've shaken
off enough of the manic, premenstrual, anticipatory stuff to now hit
the part where I can feel enough to know that I'm not feeling enough
of everything. I'm in the grey zone where even my lows are mediocre
and leave me wishing for more. Sometimes, it's the hardest part of my
moods. It's where I'm optimistic enough to feel like something
different is possible, but pessimistic enough to be afraid and
seriously and thoroughly doubt my ability to work to attain that
"something different". It's where the really dangerous time are
because I get depressed and then downward cycle/spiral myself into a
hole from thinking about how even if I could do the work and find the
help that nothing would ever feel different because I never could be
capable of getting better because this down-and-depressed-and-crazy-
and-moody person is intrinsically who I am and will never change
because I'm too weak, pathetic, tired, sad, needy (blah, blah, and
blah). Can you follow the staircase? From there it's just a few steps
to then-what's-the-point-in-trying and from there it's only a few more
to what's-the-point-in-anything-landing. And from there it's just a
bottle or a rope or a what ever it might be this time before I find
myself back in a freezing hospital with routines and scared nursing
students. They always look frightened.

I stopped writing for a bit because I realized that this train was one
that needed attention and that I was simultaneously neglecting my
work. So I got a crap ton of work completed and am now attacking the
large pile of crap that I've let build up. I intend to come back to
this, but the funny thing is that I started writing this basically to
say that since I need a pick me up and since I found $11 in my coat
pocket today, I'm going to treat myself to a book or a magazine and
some coffee. (I knew there was money in the pocket but I thought it
was just a dollar bill so I was leaving it there for a soda craving or
a coffee craving.

Anyways.

New Year

 Here's a New Year's Eve message delivered by author Neil Gaiman at Symphony Hall in Boston:

    "May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

    ...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."