Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
My legs ache from trying to dance lower to compensate for the nearly one-foot difference in our height. She's the type of personality who radiates energy and infects everyone with a need to talk to her. She asked if it was too forward to hold my hand while we twisted our way through a dark club toward the bar, eventhough we'd been hanging out for hours at this point. She said she was so nervous about what to wear to meet me that her boyfriend took her shopping for a new shirt. Her husband is also a very high match for me on OKC. I met her parents last night in an lame attempt to steal a free moment at the bout.
I've lost my train of thought for writing this post. :(
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
- not feeling anything
- music, concerts, and religion
- not feeling anything
- not letting myself feel?
- mom's surgery
- identity and queerness
- being unmedicated, bipolar, going through a break up, sexual assault, medical issues, and yet feeling like this is what is really unraveling me and how ridiculous and stupid it makes me feel
- not feeling like i deserve a new tattoo
- mf sex
And i'm not makinig sense even to myself anymore so this is the end of this ramble. I need a break. Can you hear me universe? I need a break, pretty please with a cherry on top.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
PS Will my mom notice the dog hair on the stairs if I don't get to sweep it before she gets here? (I think yes.)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
The worst part is that i want this stupid romanticized cleaned up version of him back without the things that i don't like. I'm stupid and weak and pathetic.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
sleeping meds last night and was still up about every 40 minutes. This
morning, I got completely dressed twice and wasn't happy with either
result, but was out of time. The pain from this period is making me
sick. Unless it magically stops it means i have to postpone the
biopsies. I just want to get it out of the way so i can stop thinking
about cancer and never having babies and stupid crap like that. I know
that it would be at least 2 weeks after the biopsies before results
but it would have a finite time frame. Having 2 periods 2 weeks apart
also means twice the emotional insanity that is now getting together
with fatigue and a workload that is bordering on too much. I also keep
losing feeling in fingers on my right hand. It's a little weird. I'm
trying to stay focused and relatively positive, but it's difficult. I
apologize in advance if I snap, or seem distracted or short. Or if i
throw up ... because that's gross. I still don't know how to dress
these boobs. I mildly despise people in happy romantic relationships
today. Seriously, STFU about it. Just for today. You and your life
plans for your privileged, perfect and perfectly-legal wedding and
your easy-to-have-children can kiss my ass today. I'm having too much
trouble not falling into a little ball from the fear and stress that
there's cancer growing in my girly parts to stop and be happy for you.
Maybe tomorrow i can drag myself out of this bitter, self-centered box.
On the up-side, I like having candy on my desk it's a good diversion
when people come in pissed off.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
myself. I have struggled through today emotionally and I'm very
hesitant to even address those emotions. My infected eye is swollen
from brow to cheek and from nose to the edge of my eye socket. My
mother called and talked to me about her health problems. I know she's
genuinely worried because she was unable to just brush them off like
she usually does. I want to offer to be there with her during these
next steps, but I think she'd be offended. So much to do ... need to
get back to working.
It's late now and i'm in shitty shape. I'm wearing a sweatshirt that i've had since 1999. It used to be a signal when i would wear it. I came close to needing that signal tonight but I didn't but i wore it anyway. The dog pissed on the bed while I was in the shower. Today was long and I'm not feeling well and I just wanted to sleep after the shower, but I can't because I have to wait for the bed to dry. And i can't fall asleep.
Why, when you have the whole apartment to piss in, do you piss on my bed? I wish you would stop it.
Sometimes i feel like people judge people who want love harshly. I feel like people who want love and who want romance are seen as stupid or naive. I hesitate to tell people how sad i really am because i don't want them to think worse of me than i assume they already do. I'm upset at the things people are saying to me and the way that people are talking to me. I can vaguely see their intention, but expressing judgments is not you showing or offering support of me. I guess i feel like complaining tonight because that seems to be all I can get out. I'm really upset tonight. It's much harder for me to keep my mind in a good headspace when I can't keep my body healthy. My blood pressure was seriously high at the doctor and mine usually runs a little lower than average so it was more of a concern. Apparently eye problems and blood pressure problems don't go well together. My chest hurt for an hour or so today but with the situation that developed at work, i wasn't really surprised.
Right now i just want to have his head in my lap and play with his hair while i tell him that i know it's so hard but we'll make it work, we'll find a way or several ways and we'll try them all. If that makes me stupid then that's fine. But that's what i want right now.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
I just want to move forward. I want to repair things if they need to
be repaired and just move forward.
It is what it is. And while i think i know now why it hurts, the clean
up is what wakes me up in the middle of the night and the implications
are what leave me feeling defenseless and panicked.
I don't want it to be the first thing I think about or the last thing
I think about. I don't want to think about it at all, actually. But it
was so entrenched in everything that I did (I made it that way) that I
feel like i have to alter every behavior to be able to change.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
After writing this and being interrupted so many times, I'm not sure how much I'll get done tonight. I didn't sleep much last night and Fringe has sucked me in for the last hour or so. I'll do my best though. I used to argue with my dad when he would say that that's all you can do. I'm not sure why, but that's funny to me now.
I'm excited about the trip. It's a big deal for us to get a meal out together, so it's extra special that we're going somewhere nice, on valentines day, together.
It's nice to know when i'll get to stop fighting. That's not very articulate. It's not that i'm going to give up or anything. It's just that for me, right now, it's very easy to be myself most of the time with someone I love and trust as much as him. Yes, I still fight to rein in my crazy and my anxiety (which, by the way, is so out of control that I actually said "I miss having medication to help deal with this", today) and maintain emotional balance. But it is so much less severe than the rest of the time. I don't think that explanation is very clear, but it is what it is right now.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
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Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
sent to everyone letting them know why i was missing a lot of work. I
got angry about it all over again.
While driving earlier, I realized I was feeling pretty paranoid and
sort of nutty in general. Got home to discover the dog had peed on the
bed (again!!!!) and on the couch. I should probably keep the vet
appointment and ask them to test him for a UTI. Bye-bye spending
money, been nice seeing you in the bank account. I couldn't figure out
why I was so tired yesterday (I went to be early and took a nap after
work ... not in that order) but then today I woke up with a sore
throat and runny nose which might be related. I've been feeling a
little nutty (in the scary way) lately and started looking back
through old journal entries and notes and it seems pretty much like a
pattern that this time of year doesn't turn out too well. It reminds
me of that time in high school where the shit hit the fan and
subsequently got messier and messier every day for a month or so.
There was an extended metaphor there but I can't recall it. It was
nasty. I learned that I was too trusting and I started to question if
I knew those people as well as I thought I did. They made our parents
come to the school and that didn't go as planned for them. I saw a
guidance counselor actually pull a teacher into a closet to talk about
me. I seriously considered hiding in the bathroom, but didn't.
Sometimes I look back on that and it seems like it could've been a
turning point and other times it seems like the most ridiculous
situation. It also reminds me about that time 3 years ago where I
missed the super bowl and couldn't write that ad paper because I was
out of it and they hadn't bothered to even try to get everything out
of my system so i was still under the influence and they were making
me walk around and do all the inpatient intake stuff. Eeesh. Maybe I
should take that mental health day i keep threatening to take. At
least i have a kick ass vacation planned. And by planned I mean i have
my plane reservations. I don't do much other planning when i go for a
visit. It's enough just to be in the same city.
More laundry is calling my name. Sometimes this dog really makes me
feel like a mom.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
myself credit, I did really well for a couple weeks. I ate really
good, healthy, balanced meals. Even breakfast! I did a yoga and
pilates routine. I went to bed before 3am.
I, in all honesty, can't figure out the last day I showered. Eww, I
guess. I think it was sunday. It's only wednesday so I don't feel too
appalled yet. I was almost late for work this morning because i was
looking up information that really didn't need to be synthesized by
me. I cried driving to work, back to the house, in the bathroom, and
back to work again at lunch ... for some reason that is lost to me. I
knew at the time. Each time. I've been taking allergy medicine for
sinus issues and also very much enjoying the sedating side effects.
Yes, it takes me longer to do my work but my crazy is asleep for a bit
so I just push down the anxious chorus pounding on my chest and can
go back to work. Mostly no harm, no foul. Mostly.
I really like Dexter. I thought the "dark passenger" metaphor/
characterization was a little cheesy these past two seasons, but it's
simple enough that it works. Definitely sad that they killed off that
one integral character that I don't want to spoil in case anyone
watches or reads, but not at the same time. I think the writers are
really good at manipulating how you feel about the characters and the
show sucks you in so well that you are able to be manipulated as
Dexter's feelings toward them change. It's really great writing. The
acting isn't shabby either.
This was going to go somewhere about the concept of the dark passenger.
What I'd really like to do is start getting up earlier. I don't enjoy
my job so I don't want to wake up just for my job and shut down when I
leave my job. I don't want to structure my days around something that
stresses me out so much and makes me grumpy and sweaty. I want work to
be something that I do in my day not the reason i get up for the day.
Does that even make sense? I don't care if it does because it does to
This was going to go
I need to leave the office. This can be finished from home after
applications and shirts tonight.
out of the office before 7!!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
weighing heavily on me. Until today, I wasn't really able to
articulate them clearly enough. I thought I might feel better about
them after being able to define the source of some of this trouble,
but it hasn't helped. I'm pretty sure that it's actually made it
worse. It's also made me aware of other things I've been holding on
to. I'm pretty upset. I fell apart late last night and haven't done
well shaking it off. I'm taking a break to cry in the bathroom for a
Monday, January 18, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
So the shower made me feel worse. And the tea didn't happen because I'm trying to be a considerate roommate and not microwave something at 2am and don't have a kettle and the pots are all dirty ... plus that's too much work for right now. I guess I'll have to write myself an IOU and pass for tonight. I'm going to try some meditation. (I wrote medication, which might happen too) The shortest summary is that i'm going through what's known as a mixed episode. As I'm learning more and starting to think about accepting this most recent diagnosis I'm able to identify some patterns in my life. This unfortunately doesn't fit the patterns i've noticed and my cycles have slipped away from what i thought was my pattern and i don't know what to say except it's getting worse. I've had three experiences that I don't know how to describe except to say that I lost contact with reality ... seriously was unable to decide what was real or not. It's not that this hasn't happened before, it's just never happened this often this close together and it's never not been connected to some really scary times. At least I'm aware though ... i guess. i dont' know. There's tons tons tons more that iwant to say and write about, but I think I need some quiet time away from electronics.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I don't feel well". At which point, I immediately shut off my alarm
and went back to sleep. That's not something that I like to do. I also
don't like to forget that I need to put gas in the car or be late for
work, but both of those also happened this morning. I went to bed
anxious and not feeling my best. I was worried but didn't want to call
because I didn't want to seem intrusive or needy or shirked. But I did
feel those things :( I mantra-ed to myself my new favorite quote about
jealousy because somewhere in my mind i was partially sure that
someone more interesting had come along. Not in a long-term way. But
then it sorta turned out that the worrying was warranted but not the
jealousy and i had other not-good feelings about that. I worked late
last night and it looks like that could happen again tonight. I'm
trying not to give into the reality that i'm sick, but it's definitely
reality. There's drama afoot at work lately and it makes it even more
difficult for me to be here. I want to run some errands after work to
pick up some soup and a couple things that I'd like to add to a
project that's become surprisingly near and dear to my heart, but it's
cold and i'm tired and obviously whiny. I'm also avoiding writing
about what I really wanted to write about today: irritation, anger,
and rage. I've thought about it in-depth and have spent quite some
time observing my relationship with those feelings and I'm not proud
of them but I feel the need to address it because they have SUCH an
impact on myself. I've been avoiding feeling anything for fear of
feeling those things lately because I feel so powerless and consumed
when those get into the mix. I think we're taught really interesting
things about those emotions and despite how useful I think they can be
at times, I've let them take a really destructive path through my life
in the past few years. My skin certainly bears the marks of that
truth. Although more times than I'd like to count I've sat in corners
mumbling and sobbing and staying away from everything and sitting on
my hands because I'm too afraid of myself to move. It's weird how self
preservation kicks in sometimes. I've decided that I don't really want
to dive into this topic fully where I am right now. I can feel the
tears. I think I'm going to set some time aside every couple of days
to write ... to write mindfully.
btw, style school so far seems to be a great decision.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
to be done ASAP. I've worked myself into quite the stressed little
ball over it. When I get this stressed out over something I tend to
think about it while doing everything else. I also get the urge to do
random things, like dye my hair, make marshmallows or shop for the
perfect purse-sized sketch pad. Not the most productive things. I've
decided that I won't do any of those things until I finish a draft of
the letter. I'd probably be more productive if I sat here in my office
and did it, truthfully. Do you hear all of the procrastination? :
( When I started this last night I really felt like I was making a
good decision. I'm trying not to get myself too hyped up about it
because it's sort of a long shot.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
that to them? I did.
I'm having a heavy, crappy, self loathing sort of day. I want to get
out of it. No ... I want to get out of this place where most of my
days feel like this and where I can't even imagine mustering the
energy or courage it must take to work for that new place.
Just typing that made me tear up. It's the truth though. I've shaken
off enough of the manic, premenstrual, anticipatory stuff to now hit
the part where I can feel enough to know that I'm not feeling enough
of everything. I'm in the grey zone where even my lows are mediocre
and leave me wishing for more. Sometimes, it's the hardest part of my
moods. It's where I'm optimistic enough to feel like something
different is possible, but pessimistic enough to be afraid and
seriously and thoroughly doubt my ability to work to attain that
"something different". It's where the really dangerous time are
because I get depressed and then downward cycle/spiral myself into a
hole from thinking about how even if I could do the work and find the
help that nothing would ever feel different because I never could be
capable of getting better because this down-and-depressed-and-crazy-
and-moody person is intrinsically who I am and will never change
because I'm too weak, pathetic, tired, sad, needy (blah, blah, and
blah). Can you follow the staircase? From there it's just a few steps
to then-what's-the-point-in-trying and from there it's only a few more
to what's-the-point-in-anything-landing. And from there it's just a
bottle or a rope or a what ever it might be this time before I find
myself back in a freezing hospital with routines and scared nursing
students. They always look frightened.
I stopped writing for a bit because I realized that this train was one
that needed attention and that I was simultaneously neglecting my
work. So I got a crap ton of work completed and am now attacking the
large pile of crap that I've let build up. I intend to come back to
this, but the funny thing is that I started writing this basically to
say that since I need a pick me up and since I found $11 in my coat
pocket today, I'm going to treat myself to a book or a magazine and
some coffee. (I knew there was money in the pocket but I thought it
was just a dollar bill so I was leaving it there for a soda craving or
a coffee craving.