dissapointed

i don't feel like i've done anything today but eat. gross

cold toes

I have letters that I need to be writing. One in particular that needs
to be done ASAP. I've worked myself into quite the stressed little
ball over it. When I get this stressed out over something I tend to
think about it while doing everything else. I also get the urge to do
random things, like dye my hair, make marshmallows or shop for the
perfect purse-sized sketch pad. Not the most productive things. I've
decided that I won't do any of those things until I finish a draft of
the letter. I'd probably be more productive if I sat here in my office
and did it, truthfully. Do you hear all of the procrastination? :
( When I started this last night I really felt like I was making a
good decision. I'm trying not to get myself too hyped up about it
because it's sort of a long shot.

focus!

treat?

Did you do that head-tilt thing that dogs do when you say a word like
that to them? I did.

I'm having a heavy, crappy, self loathing sort of day. I want to get
out of it. No ... I want to get out of this place where most of my
days feel like this and where I can't even imagine mustering the
energy or courage it must take to work for that new place.

Just typing that made me tear up. It's the truth though. I've shaken
off enough of the manic, premenstrual, anticipatory stuff to now hit
the part where I can feel enough to know that I'm not feeling enough
of everything. I'm in the grey zone where even my lows are mediocre
and leave me wishing for more. Sometimes, it's the hardest part of my
moods. It's where I'm optimistic enough to feel like something
different is possible, but pessimistic enough to be afraid and
seriously and thoroughly doubt my ability to work to attain that
"something different". It's where the really dangerous time are
because I get depressed and then downward cycle/spiral myself into a
hole from thinking about how even if I could do the work and find the
help that nothing would ever feel different because I never could be
capable of getting better because this down-and-depressed-and-crazy-
and-moody person is intrinsically who I am and will never change
because I'm too weak, pathetic, tired, sad, needy (blah, blah, and
blah). Can you follow the staircase? From there it's just a few steps
to then-what's-the-point-in-trying and from there it's only a few more
to what's-the-point-in-anything-landing. And from there it's just a
bottle or a rope or a what ever it might be this time before I find
myself back in a freezing hospital with routines and scared nursing
students. They always look frightened.

I stopped writing for a bit because I realized that this train was one
that needed attention and that I was simultaneously neglecting my
work. So I got a crap ton of work completed and am now attacking the
large pile of crap that I've let build up. I intend to come back to
this, but the funny thing is that I started writing this basically to
say that since I need a pick me up and since I found $11 in my coat
pocket today, I'm going to treat myself to a book or a magazine and
some coffee. (I knew there was money in the pocket but I thought it
was just a dollar bill so I was leaving it there for a soda craving or
a coffee craving.

Anyways.

New Year

 Here's a New Year's Eve message delivered by author Neil Gaiman at Symphony Hall in Boston:

    "May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

    ...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."

yuck

There's something that I'm trying to deal with but I feel really
detached and not willing or able to deal with it. I'm not going to
have much of a choice pretty soon. I'm guarded and afraid to just feel
how I feel about it, despite feeling like I had made my peace with it.
I'm just still hurt and unsure and really vulnerable. I'm apprehensive
and it's compounded by hormones and an approaching indicator. It's the
type of situation that makes me stay up all night thinking and want to
sleep all day and hope that my brain stops working. It's the type of
situation that makes me want to give up. It's not that dramatic or
heavy normally but the past couple of days I have felt the weight of
it intensely. I have some serious negativity about it, but I'm trying
really hard not to let it ruin anything else.

antsy pants

I'm getting very antsy for this week to move forward. I want the day to be over and my house to be cleaner (i'm not sure CLEAN is really ever attainable, I think it's sort of like tomorrow).  I want people to be here and I want time off where I don't have to travel. I'm making treats and snacks for this week tonight and if it takes long enough, I'll get a little help. LOL. I wanted to go look for a couple of sweaters because it's been a tad chilly lately, but I need to let the dog out, want to make things and my xmas cash can continue to hang out in my bank account.  I want friends around. I want my man in my bed. Sorry, but it's true. Forgot toilet paper again last night and need supplies for the snacks ... if I decide to make them all. Going to the store after work again. Still need to pick up alcohol too. I think I'll go home, let the dog out, start the snacks and cleaning and then go back out. I can always get the libations on my lunch tomorrow. Cleaning is the most important though. I'm just worried about having space for people and their thing and not driving people crazy with my version of organization.  

I heard back about that interview. No go for the second round. Trying to ignore it, but *ouch*. 

I have ignored work for long enough. Back to the estimates. 

courtney nester

the/zimmerman/agency

850.668.2222

cnester@zimmerman.com

This was thoughtful until the end.

My body has very physical reactions to stress. My mouth gets canker sores. My hands and fingertips get eczema. And the back of my head and neck develop hives. The physical reactions to stress have changed and fluctuated over the years, but they have always had one predictable effect on me. They have always made me feel decidedly unsexy which is insanely frustrating when some of them are caused by that very same feeling and the things I think about and do to try to combat that. (Does that make sense at all? I had to take some tylenol PM so I can sleep tonight and to get some relief from the mouth pain.) I was already starting to stress about how to manage how I look with how I want to feel and how I want other people to see me but then i was sidelined by the pain in my mouth and the itchiness and the exhaustion. I've reached a plateau of sorts. I'll call it my take-me-as-i-am plateau. I've spent too much time changing and trying to be something and someone different so people will be attracted to me and want to sleep with me and be around me and like me. I'm fairly over it, at least for now. I'm buying the clothes I buy because I feel good in them, not because I think they demonstrate that I'm attracted to and attractive to certain people. I'm wearing what I wear because it looks good on me, not because I feel awkward and left behind. If I feel left behind and awkward it's okay to change if it's really for me. And it's okay to pay attention to fashion and trends and it's okay to intentionally ignore them and avoid them if it's realy for me. In the past 7 or so years I've gone from a size three to a size 12 and everywhere in between and back again. I think I've even done that up and down and up again in the past year. I was stressing about being perceived as sexy, but damnit right now if you don't think I'm sexy and want to sleep with me as I am then I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want to tell myself that I need to shave (although I enjoy it) or need to wear makeup (also something I sometimes enjoy) or need to do certain things and be certain ways for someone to be attracted to me, to want to stay with me, and to want to commit to me. I'm just going to be me in the best ways that I can and that's just going to be enough. Maybe I'm going to be the best me in the best ways that I can?

Gross. Just had to take a break writing to take more ticks off of the dog. Gross gross gross gross gross! He's not a fan either.