I'm really upset and, on top of that, I'm really irritable. I'm
bitter, angry, irrational, and hurt.

"she wishes she was ... and she'd never heard of ..."

I can't even get the words out.



"What a skeletal wreck of a man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, NOW
We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the renting and laws and systems and stems ripped from the branches of office do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your atavistic allure, the value of a summer spent and a winter earned
For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers
A vacation is a countdown
T minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste
WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR? (*background*WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?) SHUT UP!
I could go on and on but let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs
haven't felt like this in years
the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again
That's where you go when there's no one else around it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS THAT'S A FUCKING SECRET AND YOU KNOW IT!
Government is another way to say better, than, you!
It's like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won't stick, its like a whole other world where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware
*laughs* What luck!
Fascism you can vote for
*snorts* Isn't that sweet
And were all gonna die someday 'cause that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said too little when you're gaffer taped in the middle say a prayer save face get yourself together and (*sung in the background* SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!) SHUT UP! (*background* FUCK YOU!) FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but its time to move on so
Remember, you're a wreck an accident
Forget the freak you're just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run because in the end everything we do, is just everything we've done."

Stone Sour, Omega

It's really difficult to feel that, if we were married, we would be urged to push through troubled times but, since we're not that we're urged to move on instead. Don't tell me time and time again that things aren't always easy and the grass isn't always greener and shit like that if you're going to tell me that things can't be fixed and I should look somewhere else.

BTW, I'm really not a fan of the US Postal Service right now. I am also very, very tired of crying.

yet another negative post. sorry.

I don't want to be here.
I don't know what happened to my brain in the last hour or so, maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm sliding away from happy or even reasonably sad at such a rate that I'm scared. I feel alone, frightened, disheartened and I'm nearing incapacitated. Where did my wonderful vacation go? Where did that sense of safe, calm, and stable go? How did it go so quickly?!?!

The unexpected money problems feel like nothing compared to the fights with my parents. My dad, in particular, was downright nasty. I wouldn't even be specific with my mother about what he said but for a summary threats, insults to nearly every facet of my self and my life, and rejection from their home rank among the hardest to swallow. I'm more angry with myself for letting them into my world and for letting them and him influence what i think about what's going on around me, than anything else.

In the moment I wasn't too upset about our plans of so many things to do getting squashed, but now, 1200+ miles away, I'm afraid it wasn't what was wanted or that someone's upset about it now. I've fallen through any self-assured thoughts tonight and have landed squarely on negative, ridiculously insecure, and please-tell-me-something-that-lets-me-know-everyone-else-is-wrong.

In the mean time, I'm going to calm down, write a list of at least 5 positive things, and try to wrangle the energy for some more self-care (most likely involving food and shower).

10.14.09

The lack of sleep, overabundance of anxiety, and what might be some
sinus trouble has left me completely exhausted. I have two post-it
notes worth of things to do outside of work today and all I can think
about it closing my eyes for a few minutes. I'll be at work at 6am
tomorrow and then traveling until at least midnight. I'm stressed out
about traveling, but very, very, very super grateful for Rachel's mp3
player. I'll try to create safe space for myself within the headphones
so I don't worry so much about everything around me and how I relate
to it. Still don't have a way to weigh the suitcases and I'm pretty
worried that they'll be over the weight limit. Maybe someone has a
bathroom scale I can borrow? It would be much easier to feel cute and
confident if I didn't sweat so badly. It's one of the main reasons I
only wear very dark or very light colors on top ... hides it to some
extent. It's super embarrassing and makes me feel dirty, gross, and
unattractive. Feeling cuter and more confident would, in turn, make it
easier to pack for this trip. Although, given the weather predictions,
I don't have many choices.

On a fairly random side note, did you know that some people believe
that a couple's first dance at their wedding is symbolic of their sex
life? Does that mean we should dance with lots of people and switch up
the styles? anyways ...

I had more to say but I work came across my desk again and I had to
work and wake up.

I'm struggling and I need to be honest about it.

Fear and fear-like anxieties are a big percentage of what I feel every day. I have read enough to understand the basics of the evolutionary benefits of fear and anxieties. However, mine now interrupt and steer parts of my life. When I try to think of them from other people's perspectives, I can recognize that some of them seem fairly absurd. It's hard for me to see where they come from often, because the immediate fear isn't what triggers the fear in me but rather what the realization of that fear would mean to myself and others. (I'm not sure that makes much sense) One of the biggest fears that I'm dealing with currently ... okay it's huge and it has been messing with my head for awhile and I'm not sure what to do with it ... I'm TERRIFIED that people will know that I have gained weight and think that I'm fat. I don't understand it because I don't see anything inherently wrong with being overweight and I don't consciously associate it with negative consequences for anyone else. For myself, it's a different deal. I have baskets upon buckets upon cases of things that I think about myself if/when I put myself or think that someone else is putting me into that box. I'm close to being physically ill when I think about the possibility that I could get off of that plane and he could see me and think that. Eventhough i know it wouldn't matter to him and the way he feels about me. Even though I know he wouldn't say anything if he even thought that. I feel very similarly about losing weight and hurting myself.
*** let's stop right here for a second ... anyone easily triggered? you're excused, no hard feelings. anyone squeamish? You may leave too. anyone hate to hear me drone on about anything else? Again, no ill wishes, you're excused. ..... Seriously though, if you're easily triggered, don't read this unless you're safe and yes, I'm putting that here for myself***
I have trouble when it comes to both topics finding the point of "enough". It's rarely, if ever deep enough, enough blood, enough pain, enough hurt, enough pounds, enough inches, few enough calories ... Maybe it's related to not being good at being satisfied, maybe it's just not getting fulfilled by the methods that you're trying. I don't know but i do know it's dangerous. I ... i'm getting super insecure even writing about this ... I often feel the same way about my scars. I feel disappointed about some scars on my body because they're not enough. They don't show clearly enough or show enough of the drama/trauma that got them there.

Writing this got interrupted for an hour or so. It needed to happen, but I've lost my momentum.
The short of it: I'm worried and I don't feel like I'm as open about my concerns about myself as I could be.

time moves too slowly

I woke up tired, in a bad mood, and SERIOUSLY irritable. I'm in tears for no reason at all and I think I should just go back to bed.

I feel a meltdown brewing.

esh.

Called out on the weight-loss, the ring and some scars. Excuse me
while I will the earth to open and swallow me whole.

This day needs to end promptly.

afraid.

I'm seriously struggling with anxiety. It's interrupting and
interfering with my daily life. I really want to take some time ....
maybe this weekend ... to sit down and really examine why I'm worried
about the things I'm worrying about. I can't even get through it right
now. Ouch.

numbers.

Was going to try to run lunchtime errands, but I think I'll go home
for lunch today instead.
Mainly, because there's no one else there.
At least three times this week, I've driven to a store and changed my
mind because I felt intimidated and overwhelmed by the thought of so
many people being inside and what that could result in.
Worrying this much is exhausting.

It's crowded in here.

My thoughts are crowding each other. It's getting thick and overpopulated in my mind.


I'm so worried about things that I used to pride myself on not caring about. (There has to be a better way to word that...) I meet the waves of insecurity with braced knees and stiff back. My back is growing sore and tired. My legs are getting weaker from the consistent barrage of personal uncertainty. There are things that I need to be doing and things that need to get taken care of within a time frame. But instead i curl up on the end of my bed and try to ignore the things that flash through my vision, attack my mind, and toy with my senses. I lie in between the messes and try to just stay still and calm. I lay there like a big, fat, self-deprecating, increasingly paranoid, blob. I'm tired. I need sleep and a good hug. I need my better half. I need my safe harbor.

It has been about a month and a half since I slept well. And probably longer than that since I slept well for a consistent amount of time. I think if I ever managed to combine sleeping well and eating well in the same day for 5 or 6 days, I'd feel like superwoman. (granted, I'd probably outweigh superman by that point, but I'd probably be more okay with it ... probably)

My plan is to finish writing this, turn out the lights and knit while I watch shows until I fall asleep. I hope sleep happens.

1012 miles

1012 miles have turned me into an insecure fruitcake.
Maybe it's not the miles themselves, it's probably simply my head.

Back in Tallahassee after a weekend at my parents'. It was supposed to be a weekend at an all-day craft show helping my cousin, but she ditched me. Had fun with mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, and cousins though. Family has a talent for making fun of me. Wears on me very quickly.

Later in the month, I'm taking really only my second vacation since living on my own. I'm kinda nervous about traveling by myself, but it'll be fine, I'm sure.

more later.