I don't even know where to start about how upset I am. There's no point even. I'm a fucking frazzled mess.

3.30.10

Damn. That was supposed to be my plan and I'm so fucking jealous.
Today bites.

3.29.10

I'm just not having a good day. I took twice what I normally take of
sleeping meds last night and was still up about every 40 minutes. This
morning, I got completely dressed twice and wasn't happy with either
result, but was out of time. The pain from this period is making me
sick. Unless it magically stops it means i have to postpone the
biopsies. I just want to get it out of the way so i can stop thinking
about cancer and never having babies and stupid crap like that. I know
that it would be at least 2 weeks after the biopsies before results
but it would have a finite time frame. Having 2 periods 2 weeks apart
also means twice the emotional insanity that is now getting together
with fatigue and a workload that is bordering on too much. I also keep
losing feeling in fingers on my right hand. It's a little weird. I'm
trying to stay focused and relatively positive, but it's difficult. I
apologize in advance if I snap, or seem distracted or short. Or if i
throw up ... because that's gross. I still don't know how to dress
these boobs. I mildly despise people in happy romantic relationships
today. Seriously, STFU about it. Just for today. You and your life
plans for your privileged, perfect and perfectly-legal wedding and
your easy-to-have-children can kiss my ass today. I'm having too much
trouble not falling into a little ball from the fear and stress that
there's cancer growing in my girly parts to stop and be happy for you.
Maybe tomorrow i can drag myself out of this bitter, self-centered box.

On the up-side, I like having candy on my desk it's a good diversion
when people come in pissed off.

:( I though meds were supposed to help, not hurt.

I'm in a nasty patch of insomnia. The kind that doesn't even obey OTC sleeping meds. Two panic attacks since Sunday night. Rage that seems to come from nowhere. I was late for work despite being up an hour early due to bouts of intense and alternating anger and panic. In short, I'm PMSing despite being on medication to prevent it. I've also had the worst cramps I've had in a long time (nauseatingly painful) everyday for about 10 days. The doctor says that my body is adjusting. Well my boobs have adjusted themselves all the way to Ds. They should only adjust themselves in the opposite direction now, if you ask me. And only enough so they stop hurting. I'm trying to focus on things coming up and potentially coming up. Like birthdays and trips and potential interviews and possible visits from friends. I'm trying to eat healthier and exercise more. I bought myself some treats with the last little bit of my tax return that I didn't allocate to debt and car insurance. I'm pretty excited. I wish I would've found some shoes, since I've worn out another pair. Work has become so busy for me that I had to get another set of filing drawers and new things to hold folders. It's good. It means I have at least a little job security, which isn't something I'm used to feeling. Buuuuuuuut that combined with not sleeping and feeling the way i described above has me pretty cautious. I've been pretty purposeful about not spending time alone when I'm feeling iffy. (Sorry if i've seemed needy or clingy) I'd like to find a gym that I can afford so that I can go there when I need to burn some energy and not just run/walk on poorly lit streets, but I'm really REALLY intimidated by gyms and there's other things that need the money. And I'm fearful of getting back into crazy anorexic habits. So that's on hold. I want to get out and just walk and jog more, but I prefer to go late at night so I don't have to deal with the social anxiety but then I get freaked out by creepy people and poor lighting. *shrugs* I need a buddy system or something. I wish I would've put more consistent energy into leash-training the pup when he was younger. I did get a harness for him that helps with his walking habits but it takes time, i know. It's hard not to reach for someone and not to feel their absence when times are tough. I'm very lucky that we've continued to talk and at the level that we have. But I know I pull back when I feel like this ... and not just from him, from everyone. These intense periods of emotions leave me feeling really out of control and afraid and unpredictable and they've been instrumental in most conflicts i've had ever. So it's logical to want to pull away and push away out of fear of ruining what I have, but that's a tricky situation because i can't pull all the way away, but I run HUGE risks staying as open and as connected. And it's not just with him. I'm going to give myself a break and try showering.

I need to find a doc so I can get back on anxiety meds.
Not happy about it, but I think it's worth a discussion with a doctor.
Now I just have to find one that's not horrible, is taking patients,
and is on my insurance.
:(

Wow

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/03/2010_winter_paralympics.html
Check out that link for amazing photos from the Winter Paralympics.

I've worked myself into such a state of agitation and frustration and impatience that I really would be better off just crawling into a hole somewhere and staying there until I feel like I can breathe and interact and react like a human being again. It's 63 degrees today and my roommate keeps turning the heat on. I have the ceiling fan on in my room and i'm wearing a tanktop. I'm upset about putting this closet thing in here because of what it means and i feel stupid for even thinking about it. I'm not a good person. I'm trying really hard to let go of anger and frustration but today I just plain suck. I'm angry that my chance to just move without a job was taken from me. I'm angry that plans have been derailed because they were dependent on someone else. I'm angry that love isn't enough. I'm angry and hurt and tearful and pathetic. And this, like almost everything I touch, is a complete waste.

I'm in a spectacularly crappy mood. I've been keeping my mind away from difficult things by staying absorbed in work and books, but I finished the books I was reading and made it a point to stay away from work things today. I was okay earlier but now I just want someone to cuddle with me and watch law and order marathons or animal planet. I want to know that someone can actually stand how crazy I am. I need a way to recharge my batteries and get myself back on some solid footing again. It just seems that every time I find something another tough spot jumps out to kick me in the shins. Maybe it's just what i deserve right now.

I don't really want to talk about anything. I don't want to continue to think about all of the things that are swirling in my head. I want to sleep and rest and relax. Instead, I'm just sitting here with this awful, sick feeling. I'm fighting the urge to scream about what I want and how badly I want it ... to make desperate pleas and promises for just a brief moment of feeling loveable.

Walking a very thin line between functioning and not. Fuck this. I can't even write.

I'm not feeling well. I just want to go to sleep, but I can't find the sleeping meds. :(

3.11.10

I feel very weak. I feel very, very stupid. And very aware of my gender and my weakness and my size. It's a very unnerving feeling and i don't like it at all. I'm scared and I feel very isolated. I don't want to go back to work. I feel unclean.

sadface

I'm upset with myself. Didn't really prove that i had some self
respect. Ugh.

The one about nickels, dimes and pennies.

So i came here to write about change and how I feel about it and what I feel like I'm heading toward and how I plan to get there, but now I feel like putting it in this stream of conscious format, in this almost wholly negative space would trivialize it and make it seem like another passing effort on my part. And I really don't want it to seem that way. I'm making effort and plans and those are designed to lead to change. I don't think it will go quickly and I don't think it will always be a straight forward path ... in fact I know it won't be. Right now i'm so insanely tired that I feel intoxicated. Getting more quality sleep is definitely a part of my plans. Also taking my vitamins, cooking more, eating better and more regular exercise. Which all sounds typical, but if you have ever struggled to get through a day then you know there are days where breathing feels like it deserves its own reward. enough for here and now

3.5.10

My it-is-what-it-is attitude feels pretty worthless today. Yesterday
it didn't seem to do much for the way I was feeling either. Self
esteem is in the crapper as well and I'm still sick ... which are
probably related. I feel like a very stupid zombie.