Monday, November 30, 2009

I was going to wait to add pictures, but

I just wanted to say that Thanksgiving was amazing and I'm so in love.

Monday, November 23, 2009


I hate crying at work.
1. Men kissing men on TV isn't any less appropriate than a man kissing
a woman and you seriously disgust me by thinking so.
2. Stop pawning your work off on me.
3. I need a break. I'm afraid this break won't feel like a break.

kind of upset

To be fair, I woke up in a crappy mood today. The dry-cleaner that i
live behind decided I should wake up several times this morning to
their banging and clanging and malodorous doings. Before I attempted
to sleep last night my computer and printer conspired their way into a
complete and utter lock down. I'm on the tail end of a period of
REALLY intense moods and shifts. No middle ground here, it's either
super happy and active or crying myself to sleep. I've been self
medicating in a variety of ways to keep an anchor to middle ground and
to function through the work day and through conference calls and
group lunches. I have to enter all my time by the end of tomorrow. I
have a stack of files that need spec sheets and estimates. I have
projects that need to be pushed forward this week to stay on schedule.
And yet, I'm sidelined by the ice being completely melted and ruining
a tasty lemonade that i really wanted to drink. I'm upset about other
things and really that's just the straw that knocked this camel out.
I've been on a serious attempt to like the way that I look even if it
means putting more time and energy into getting dressed, which has led
to me paying attention to what i wear and how it fits. Realistically,
most of my clothes are too big. Despite knowing how, I haven't put the
time and energy into the (mostly) small alterations that make my
clothes fit my body. I buy bigger shirts because I have a long torso
and very long arms attached to broad shoulders. The plan is often to
take in the body of the shirt to tailor it to a more feminine, small-
breasted form and take in the armpits so they don't start below my
breasts as is so common. Really what has happened is that 90% of my
shirts that I'm comfortable wearing don't really show my figure, they
basically just cover as much skin as possible. In a fit of manic need
for organization and breathing room (seriously, i felt like I couldn't
breathe because there were too many piles in the room.) I organized
the small pile of clothes that I wear most often into and onto the
most easily accessible shelves. I sorted them into piles: pants, tanks
and ribbed tanks, and shirts. The jackets and dress should be hung up,
but they're on a chair for now. The shirts became three piles: wear if
and only if jackets are available, would like to wear these but
probably wont, commonly worn. There were only two or three shirts in
the piles, but whatever. It's a big deal for me to fold, sort, and put
away clothes or messes of any kind. Overall, I don't wear most of the
clothes I own because most are from college or pre college years (worn
out and wrong sizes), a lot don't cover what I feel like needs to be
covered, and some are too dressy for my mostly-casual workplace. In
short, I'd love to swap them or just recycle them. I feel like I wear
the same, sloppy outfits most of the time. I have a couple cute things
I've been able to snag off of clearance racks and discount stores but
I tend to shop when i"m feeling good and positive and this usually
results in a I'll just wear short sleeves and not care attitude.
Which, in turn, means I buy short-sleeved things and then only wear
them with over-shirts or jackets and don't feel cute and get
overheated. A quick trip around that circle and it's easy for me to
decide that it's not only pointless to shop, but also pointless to try
to look cute or like the way I look. Fun, I assure you. I've been
avoiding buying new things until the old versions tear, fall apart, or
get eaten by the dog. Even that last one hasn't forced me to replace
my flip flops yet though. I've been looking for shoes but trying to
spend not so much on them. That usually results in cheap shoes that
don't last long and don't fit as well as they could. I have long,
narrow feet and it's difficult to fit them and even harder to do so
for little money. I've looked for shoes the past three weekends and
have yet to find shoes that I like the price of and that fit. I'm
heading north in about a day and a half now and I really wanted at
least one pair of casual, close-toed shoes that don't stink and
haven't been eaten by the dog. I found 4 possibilities at walmart ...
of all places ... but didn't buy them because I had plenty of other
things I wanted to buy and now I'm frustrated. When I get overwhelmed,
I tend to want to throw what's overwhelming me and everything related
to it to the side and just change focus for a bit. I would argue that
it works as a stress management tactic when you're not pressed for
time. It's good to just set things aside sometimes and say "I won't
think or stress about this right now", but it doesn't work when you
haven't done that for so long that you're down to VERY little time.
I'm stressed out and worried about my trip and consequently want to
put everything even closely related to it on hold and just go kill
some time at lunch instead of going home to pack or clean the car or
something like that. I haven't been sleeping well. I actually plan to
get some sleeping meds to help with sleeping once I get up there
because it was really difficult last time. I've grown unaccustomed to
sleeping with the sounds of someone else and I rarely sleep well in a
new place, especially one that stays really light at night. So I could
stay up late tonight to get things done and take my lunch time today
to actually relax. But it just seems like a bad idea. I had a silly
idea that I would make one final try to find shoes and a coat. What a
stupid idea that would be.

Almost an hour later I'm even more frustrated and even more stressed.
Shit. All I want to do now is overeat and then take a nap.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

work overload by the numbers

23 active folders in my office.
10 sticky-notes on my monitor that need attention today.
8 estimates that need to be completed by tomorrow afternoon.
1 hour that I'll be taking as a lunch break to try to regain my focus
and clear my head.
0 motivation.


I'm wearing new pants today and I think they need to go back. Super
That is all.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I dont really know what to do with myself. I started cutting a couple days ago. I ate some rice tonight and it was the first solid food i'd had in like 44 hours. I'm really intensly tired of disappointing the people around me so I couldn't even figure out how to communicate to anyone that i was feeling that bad or was getting close to that which i'm sure has how hurt me even more. I don't know whether to give up and just admit defeat and go live away from people and learn to program so i don't have any human interaction or if i should try to handle this and do something with it. I'm completely overwhelmed. I get like maybe a week each month where i can keep my head above water and it's to the point where i can't even navigate that. i've blamed it on alot of things and i'm sure situational things have contributed to it but the root of it is just me. That's what wrong with me -- i'm me. I drank 2 or 3 bottles of wine and abottle of vodka by myself last week so there's another great path i'm headed down. I recognize that I shouldn't expect people to be able to be there for me regardless of everything else. So i've stopped trying to lean on anyone too much. Eaerlier i was just putting myhead down at work to keep from passing out. I try to sleep but ti doesn't do much anymore. I'm a wreck. A big fat train wreck and I'm destroying everything in my path. I think should jump out of the way now.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009



This is stupid. I'm being stupid about this, also. Argh.

Friday, November 13, 2009


I'm feeling rough. Too much is running through my head for me to put
together my thoughts about TWLOHA day or the other things circling my
brain. Hopefully some dinner, a shower, and a little time with the dog
can help me get back to a thinking place. He peed in the bedroom this
morning. I just don't have it in me to continue to be mad at him right

TMI: I really would go back on my anxiety meds just to stop sweating
so much. Gross.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I love that when i'm intoxicated I will eat whatever I want to eat.

Monday, November 9, 2009


I felt really good at lunch. I did something and it actually made me
happy. And unfortunately, like a jenga tower, it takes something so
small to send me crashing back to the bottom.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

sick cycle carousel

I'm not looking forward to anything and it's becoming this crushing reality that's sitting heavy on my chest. Everything's too up in the air and too indefinite. I thought i woke up okay today ... less depressed and less fatalistic, but after a little while it hit me out of no where. I'm avoiding a bunch of things lately. Part of that is out of safety concerns, but part of it is fear and insecurity. I'm avoiding mirrors and being alone and telling my roommate how obnoxious she is and avoiding talking to her about how she's overstepping bounds with the animals (who brings someone else's OUTDOOR cat inside!?!?!). I'm avoiding dealing with my dad because I know i'm not on steady enough ground to not let it blow up. I'm avoiding spending time alone because I don't feel like I'm level enough to deal with the mess that surfaces. I'm avoiding sewing projects because I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm avoiding self injury, but I think that's okay for a little while. I avoid showering sometimes because I don't want to see myself withotu clothes. I'm avoiding songs and memories and wishing and hoping. I've worked myself into this horrible little cycle. What do I do? I cry a lot. I stare into space. I forget things. I fall apart. I complain and I whine. I'm sorry.
Maybe there's some really integral piece of the puzzle that I'm missing. Maybe that's why there are so many thing that happen in relationships that I just don't get. Maybe I'm too needy or not clear enough about what i need or maybe i'm just not right in the head.
I just finished cleaning the apartment (except for the bathroom) and I was going to get dressed in clothes that are appropriate to leave the house and treat myself to a half price slush at sonic before going to the store, but I started thinking and got so upset that I've been crying for 20 minutes and feel like something ripped every ounce of life and energy out of me.

I'm in a stupid frame of mind and I don't know what to do except drink until I get tired.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

We just have different mindsets about this.
You put me off for the times when you're not busy. I make you a part of the things that make me busy.

Friday, November 6, 2009

i am falling apart. I have been trying very very hard to just keep pushing through all of this but i am fucking running out of steam. I know what i could do to calm myself and probably get me through at least a few days in a calmer state, but i want new clothes and as stupid and as vain as that is, maybe it's enough. I kinda want to know that the people i'd fight for, would fight for me. something has to change or i' know i'll end up back in the hospital.


Can i go back to bed yet? 

Thursday, November 5, 2009

"... that he don't wanna clean up ... "

I hate this stupid dog and this stupid distance. I hate the weather and myself and softball. I hate self expression and clothes and weight and number. I hate me and i hate that it's never worked. I'm a mess...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Maybe the whole issue is that I just want too much. 

I think I want simple things, but maybe they're not simple for other people. Maybe what I think of as common courtesy and simple considerations are actually huge, unfathomably frightening obstacles for the people that I interact with. 

Maybe I was right all along and it is always me. 

This is depressing. After I leave work, I'm going to go gather ingredients to make curry and daydream about teaching and living in a place where wearing beautiful things like this wouldn't be silly. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

To prove that we're domestic partners for insurance would require documentation of at least 6 different things (not of all which are needed for marriage). If the state acknowledged our relationship or even acknowledged domestic partnership, we'd only have to submit one document.

I do have to acknowledge that they are not discriminating on any basis besides legal marriage and they're obviously not excluding anyone based on that. I understand the need to document it, but it's not the same as for married couples. And if one more person writes about how easy it is to get a marriage license, I might puke.



i have barely slept for several days and today it's catching up with
me. I think i should do nothing but shower and sleep when i get home.
Let the dog out to pee, then shower, and try desperately to sleep
before everything caves in on itself.
I'm really doing a poor job of taking care of myself. This time change sucks. I've been up since the sun came screaming into my windows. I should be getting ready for work but that involves getting into the shower and the roommate is continuing her bathroom domination. So, here I am writing superficial entries and wishing I was asleep. Fun? Not so much.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I find myself feeling very isolated. I feel like I'm saying what I need to say but either the people I'm talking to aren't hearing me or they're not feeling the weight of the words in the same way. I feel like I've let so much build up and am continuing to that I could scream for hours on end and feel no relief. At the same time, I don't want to reach out to anyone new. I don't want to or don't have the energy to try to look for and remake, repair, or create new connections with someone else. I have more errands to do than time to do them in today. Why don't businesses stay open later!?!?! I'm sorry if I don't want to try to fit them all into my lunch but that short break is sort of necessary to my ability to feed myself and complete the workday without tears. Maybe I'm just not saying it. Maybe it's all some grand delusion.