Friday, March 27, 2009

" Pictures I try to forget"

It's really cold in my office lately. When it really bothers me I drink a cup of hot water with a packet of calorie-free sweetener in it. My breakfasts lately have consisted of diet Pepsi or diet Coke and my meds. Occasionally I've supplemented that with a bite of bread or a cup of coffee. I'm trying to use the caffeine to combat the sleepiness and dizziness that settles in shortly after the medication makes its way into my bloodstream. It doesn't really work, but it keeps me working. I'm fighting my urge to return to that period in my life when Brian offered to put newspaper in the corner and call me a rabbit, but then I see photos like this:

and I have to say that it's really hard. On the left, I needed a belt with every pair of jeans. I think the ones in the pic on the left are a 3. On the right, most people will notice the absence of my now-fuller breasts. If you read anything in-depth about ED's it'll often say that it's not really about the weight-loss or maintenance. That the deeper root is usually related to control of some sort. And yes, I'd be willing to admit that there's at least some truth to that for me. If I can't control the whirlwind around me, or can't muster the courage to take control over some of it currently, it's much easier to take control of what goes or doesn't go into my body. Another facet is that there's a strong desire within me to feel attractive enough. I know, I know -- it will never be enough. It's probably not even a quantitative concept. But despite the reinforcement I find from friends and FH, I don't agree. I've argued with people, usually while intoxicated, but I present a decent case. I'm eating dinner everynight, but at this point my appetite is beggining to fade sort of by default.

I sort of fell apart in the middle of writing this. Work also got in the way. And me. Sorry Brian, guess I'm not ready to let it out yet.

Monday, March 23, 2009

My moods change faster than I can change the song on my iPod

So for the sake of focusing my body and my mind I'm going to leave this open and return frequently to continue what I feel will be a fairly comprehensive post. I'm not sure about leaving this entry totally public because I need to feel comfortable having a place to let everything out. But I feel like I should leave it out here because I need to be realistic about the details of my life and for me, writing is one of the best ways for me to process them.

So I guess the question becomes: where to start?
The basics: back on meds, cleaning out the craft room (very proud of the progress i've made in there this weekend), fighting the two biggest physical manifestations of my struggles to the best I can, ideas are spilling out of my brain, still working at the agency, engaged, awkward as usual ....

I forgot my notebook today and I feel pretty lost without it. Meep. I wanted to nab a few seconds to scan some sketches and get them into illustrator and start really working with them. Maybe pen and ink is actually the way to go. More organic.

I'm losing my momentum so very early in the day today and it's frustrating. At least I found someone's iTunes to listen to that's keeping my mood more even.

okay forget the pussy footing around. There's some serious shit that I want to talk about. For example - being stuck on the other side of this fence that's commonly referred to as T. It blows my mind how one damn chemical is responsible for so much within a body. It's not your goddamned chromosomes, no, it's your hormones that make you look and kinda feel a certain way. The changes don't bother me. It's feeling left out of the whole thing that does. And it's not so much a bother as it is just distance, I guess. So there's all these other people that can relate to that experience but here I am on the outside and on the inside at the same time, not knowing what it feels like but expected to deal with the changes as they come. Do I make mention? Do I just shut up and let it happen and then pretend like we just arrived here peacefully and without strife? I'm not sure what to do. Just roll with it, I guess. Maybe I'll be better prepared to be a parent of a teenager one day.

I feel like something's so wrong today. I'm doing my best not to just walk out the door, down the stairs, and keep going until I can find a place to sleep away this mess. I know sleep will do nothing though. I think by worrying that I was heading toward a scary manic period I pushed myself so far the other way. This isn't okay. This isn't okay. This is not okay to feel like this. I'm freaking out, I don't know what to do. I feel completely unstable. Images are flashing through my head. I'm restraining myself from searching for photos of something formerly very common to my computer ... not porn ... beautifully thin people showing their willpower, their control, their ability to ignore the soceital drive to be full and filled. Blogland has a made-up word for those pictures that I used to tape to notebook that held my calorie counts ... thinspiration. Odd word, but accurate. I saved alot of money those semesters. I'm scared of the creativity that comes sometimes, afraid it's yet another symptom and some false fake creativity that I thought i posessed but was realy the lack of balance between neurotransmitters in my brain.

This isn't helping. Just forget it all. call me a drama queen, melodramatic, whiney, passive, pissy, whatever you want to call me. I don't know how to handle myself today and I'm always afraid of where that could lead. It's days like this where I need ...

Thursday, March 19, 2009


There's things that I would like to blog about sometimes, but I feel
like they're too personal or that I'm not sure about sharing them.
Conversely, I'm starting to really feel like since this is my space I
should discuss and detail what I want/need to. I'm hesitant because I
don't want to overshare and I don't want to overthink and I don't want
to alienate anyone and ugh!!! Maybe paper is just the way to go. And
later i can work my way to dialoging in person.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Picture heay entry

I smiled today at someone in the hallway out of simple politeness and I realized I was really smiling and that I hadn't felt the feeling of genuinely smiling like that at someone. Yeah, I've smiled but it was different and in that context significantly different. Which, of course meant i promptly started to tear up and made a dash for the bathroom because I'm hormonal and my body's adjusting to meds which is all happening on top of the stress of a job where I feel like I'm failing constantly, ill family members, and an extra dose or two of the normal internal struggles and financial woes.

The first few days of getting back on track taking everything on time and as directed is rough. Your body has to adjust and sometimes things get worse before anything helps. Today I'm very tired, but still finding myself so fidgety that it's physically hard to sit still and mentally very difficult to concentrate on anything for too long. I woke up today with a couple itchy red bumps on my face and didn't think much of it ... assumed they were bug bites or something. But then as the day's gone on they're getting itchier and larger. My scalp is starting to itch too. My instinct is to say it's possibly caused by the medication, but I've been on it before for an extended period of time and never had this problem. It's getting pretty obnoxious. Hopefully some cortisone will help once I get home. Trying to hang on until I get home.

The fight(s) from last week are lingering somewhere within my heart. They resurface occasionally with a pang. They'll fade in time, I'm sure, but ouch. For me, they've resulted in a lot of insecurities and quite a bit of fear.

Today I really feel the need to create, but I'm very limited in that at work and I kinda have other plans tonight and I want those to be open to last as long as needed. So I thought I'd post some former artistic endeavors. More are on my flickr and my photobucket. Some repeat on facebook or myspace. Some just suck.

Sadi looking thoughtful near the lake

Glass sculpture

Geek Squad shirt mod. I wore it into work one day, that was fun

Part of the sequence you can see in the slideshow

Stenciled shirt.

Welcome to suburban Miami

Weird mopey portrait

An accidental play with focus, beautiful though scanned film

Les at the pond, scanned film

Ryan skates at dusk for a contrasty look that i kinda like (scanned film)

stylized Will

Original Design for the tat seen above

Not sure this animated gif is going to work, but i hope so...

I'm hanging up my wings, the halo has been gone for years:

Stormy approach

up or down?

Ben stamped

Bro merch shot

I have plenty more, but I want to leave it at that for now. Work work work.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I love him. Waking up next to him is calming, centering, and comforting.

I wrote this as soon as I got to work this morning, but haven't even
had a chance to click send until now.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Stress and the body

Stress does odd things to the human body. For most people the physical manifestations of stress fall within a realm of certain, predictable patterns. For me, those patterns cycle every few years depending on stress levels, hormones, medications, eating habits, and just plain timing. Sometime in middle school, around when we moved into the house that my parents live in now, my body's reactions to stress and anxiety became much more physical. My body gives me away, if you know what to look for. It betrays me. In middle school one of the worst symptoms was hives. Red, blotchy skin got itchy, swollen, and broke out into irritating, obnoxious hives that would combine with a corn syrup allergy to maximize my dismay. It eventually took a very strong prescription antihistamine to stop the ones that would pop up in my mouth or on my lips or on my tongue. It's been awhile since that cycle has been a regular part of my life, but I'm starting to see the warning signs again. :( Speaking of stress, it's been about two weeks now since I had a good, restful night's sleep. Today, it's really putting roadblock in my plan to focus more on the positive. I'm SUPER irritable.

We're headed out of town in hopefully (*fingers crossed*) less than an hour. My mom hasn't replied to any of my emails or texts today, letting her know what time we'll be getting there, but hopefully she's just busy at work. My paternal grandmother has been in the hospital for close to three weeks now and she might be getting to leave today. I plan to see her at least for a few minutes, if I can keep this returning cold away. I really want to see my dad's dog too. Her health is declining and I'm not sure that I'd want her to live that long, even if technically her body could make it. Layla's getting aggressive and losing her hearing and has alot of health problems that are making her life rough. The real reason we're going home is to attend the wedding-ish party of some friends. I met the bride when I was a little shy of 13 and we've amazingly managed to stay friends. I'm so excited for them!!! It should be fun. It'll probably be another weekend where I feel like I didn't have a weekend afterwards, but I can deal.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Feeling designy today

Not sure how I feel about any of these, but felt like playing with type and design today. Sort of embarrassed, really.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


My brain feels foggy or fuzzy or some other word that is both muted
and disorienting. I'm really not sure if it's the medicine or the
sickness itself. I was reading the back of the box today for lack of
anything else to read while waiting for my computer to boot, and one
of the side effects is paranoia. WTF?!?!? Paranoia from cold medicine?
Dangerous stuff! Today was the third morning this week that I've seen
a wreck on the way to work. It really shakes me up. Images get stuck
in my head and sounds replay.

I'm nervous and edgy.

But also very excited to be accompanying FH to his first concert!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It's really hard not to just get things in order and take mom up on
her offer. Actually, I'm seriously considering it.

Monday, March 2, 2009

far away

Sometimes, days like today happen. I don't mean for it to happen. It's
more difficult for me to fight it when I feel sick. It tends to fall
into a cyclical, nauseatingly redundant pattern. I get easily
offended. I get tired of my sickening clinginess. I hesitate to reach
out for fear of being rejected. In the end, I wind up feeling very
isolated and alone. And it's all my fault and I'm the one keeping ME
from doing something about it.