You're my safe harbor. I hope i'm something close to that for you.

ready for sleep

I've been having a rocky time the past couple days, for what might
seem like a very strange reason. I've been in a very good mood a lot
of the time. The reason that this is a problem is that the ups of
these moods are way too up. These good moods have been coming at a
time when I'm confused to feel that way. I'm hardly sleeping and have
been struggling with some intense things, but I still feel decent
overall, energetic, almost frantically inspired, and overwhelmed by
all of my ideas. I sorta feel like my brain's going haywire. My
thoughts are all occupied with food, stress, work, longing, and
absence but I weirdly want to do fun things without regard for
practicality or smile and I want to play and not be serious. This
disparity bouncing around in my synapses is tiring. I'm worried about
it. Concerned that it means that they're right. Conscious that its'
possibly leading somewhere that I might not want to go. I'm exhausted
and it's showing in the way that i behave and react and even think. I
didn't have any yeast last night so I couldn't make the bagels. Now
I'm obsessively thinking about bagels and sandwiches on bagels and a
fried egg with a bagel. Which is stupid because even if i was able to
make and eat the bagels, I wouldn't enjoy eating it. I've been craving
a cheeseburger and fries like nobody's business, but haven't been able
to spare the cash to get it, thankfully. I say thankfully because I
know i'd regret it and be as (or probably more) upset with myself than
I am right now. Currently I'm upset with myself for eating lunch.
Seems stupid, but i am.

i tried to do this more than once this week and once last week. it's
just not happening.
fml

whoops

nope, no yeast.

food

Hoping to try making bagels from scratch tonight. Gotta do something.
Also maybe my own pasta.
Thank goodness for my supply of flour and baking essentials.
Not sure i have yeast, though. hmmmm

Good mood.

Despite my very strong suspicions that this current run of good feelings is soon to be toppled by some down-slide into negativity, I thought i'd try to embrace it.

In spite of their distance to me, I am very thankful for the people in my life. I was told the other day, that when I speak about my FH i glow. That's a pretty powerful thing and not something you can fake. I have a small group of VERY close friends and even though they're now scattered around, I still care about them just as much. Most of them easily jump right back into conversations like no time had passed at all. It's that safe sort of comfort that only comes with really good friends.

building up

I'm holding some stuff in and keeping some things to myself and I
think it's starting to effect my personality. :(

Stop.

Really overwhelmed.
Steps to take:
1. Stop
2. Breathe.
3. Close door.
4. Turn off all unnecessary windows & programs.
5. Handwrite 3 to-do lists: complete immediately, complete before
leaving work, complete before EOD
6. Get water.
7. Take anxiety medication.
8. Keep breathing.
9. Return to working, proceed down the list.
Repeat as necessary to stay calm and finish work today.

map

Seems that everyone wants to know my plan for staying busy or safe or
occupied. Right now, avoidance. I have my list of things to do. Things
I want to do. The downside is that those are things I want to share.
But I'm the type of person who wants to share everything so maybe
that's pointless to even say. I'm not as bad off as I thought I'd be.
I lingered in the airport to cry a bit because I figured people were
used to seeing that there. Made it to work only a little late. My
chest hurts, but I expected that. Later I'll look for positives, but
right now, I'm okay where I am about this emotionally.

I don't like secrets.

i know it

I know the feelings. I know the thoughts. 

I know exactly what I should do about them. I know what tends to happen if I don't. And what happens as a result of those happenings. 

And somehow I'm just not sure what I will do. 

But i know that I'm tired in all the wrong (right?) ways and I know that I feel like I can't give it up. 

I want this

I want this.
And I want it with him.
Why do I keep getting in my own way?