Wednesday, December 30, 2009
detached and not willing or able to deal with it. I'm not going to
have much of a choice pretty soon. I'm guarded and afraid to just feel
how I feel about it, despite feeling like I had made my peace with it.
I'm just still hurt and unsure and really vulnerable. I'm apprehensive
and it's compounded by hormones and an approaching indicator. It's the
type of situation that makes me stay up all night thinking and want to
sleep all day and hope that my brain stops working. It's the type of
situation that makes me want to give up. It's not that dramatic or
heavy normally but the past couple of days I have felt the weight of
it intensely. I have some serious negativity about it, but I'm trying
really hard not to let it ruin anything else.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Gross. Just had to take a break writing to take more ticks off of the dog. Gross gross gross gross gross! He's not a fan either.
Monday, December 28, 2009
My emotions are all over the place again today and I'm hoping that I can keep things better in control tomorrow. I need to find my way back to a place where I'm taking control of what I'm feeling because right now, this feels like I'm attached to a yo-yo that I've handed to an unskilled 5 year old.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
just at/for work. I haven't really even put a dent in my personal to-
do list. Whatever sickness is creeping into my body is definitely
finding a way to settle in my chest which doesn't help the way i feel
when days of physical sickness walk hand in hand with days of high
anxiety. I need a break from this office and the petty BS that runs
rampant. I don't expect to find a place where it doesn't exist, I just
expect to find people who deal with it more effectively.
We have a tradition of a holiday meal at work for our department. Most
people are very big on food so we get good food and wine in the middle
of the day, which is nice, but I'm just not feeling social and cozy
and that sort of thing. *fingers crossed for tomorrow, though* As part
of our food fest, we do a survey and then read everyone's answers and
try to guess who said them. It's like a fairly clean version of that
board game .... Loaded Questions. This year's questions:
Name one thing you miss about being a kid.
Name something not many people know about you.
What is your favorite place on earth?
If your house was on fire and you could only grab 3 things before
leaving, what would they be?
If you could go on a road trip with someone (dead or alive) who would
you chose and where would you go?
You wouldn't be caught dead being seen where? (note: obviously
copywriters aren't in our dept.)
If you were given $1 Million and you have to spend it in one day and
cannot buy any real estate, any kind of boat or vehicle, and cannot
invest or put it in a bank ... how would you spend it?
What's your favorite trend or fad of the last decade?
What do you hate most about the holidays?
Who is your ultimate celebrity crush?
Want to play along? Or have a good answer for me that you think will
throw people off? LOL. If you know anything about the people I work
with, you can probably guess who wrote the questions.
I'm really negative and a lot of it ends up showing here and through
my posture ... and in my conversations, art, and motivation ... and in
the way i fail to take care of myself. ... Okay, okay it shows up
everywhere. Either way, I'm trying to shift my focus back to finding
the positive sides of things. I was really good about it this morning
and putting positive energy into the situations that were occurring
really felt good and lasted longer than the situations themselves. So
I'm making it a point to find at least 2 positive things a day for the
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
definitely will continue with apps, but it went better than i thought
it would. I'll know in a week if i need to book a flight for an in-
I needed something positive.
I needed to calm down and focus and get my head on straight.
Now finishing work and making appointments with the ologist and iatrist.
I'm sorry i'm so chaotic.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
office xmas party. I'm currently playing the "what the heck am i going
to wear" game. Why couldn't we have this party after the next paycheck?
It's about 40 degrees right now and getting dark already.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
live behind decided I should wake up several times this morning to
their banging and clanging and malodorous doings. Before I attempted
to sleep last night my computer and printer conspired their way into a
complete and utter lock down. I'm on the tail end of a period of
REALLY intense moods and shifts. No middle ground here, it's either
super happy and active or crying myself to sleep. I've been self
medicating in a variety of ways to keep an anchor to middle ground and
to function through the work day and through conference calls and
group lunches. I have to enter all my time by the end of tomorrow. I
have a stack of files that need spec sheets and estimates. I have
projects that need to be pushed forward this week to stay on schedule.
And yet, I'm sidelined by the ice being completely melted and ruining
a tasty lemonade that i really wanted to drink. I'm upset about other
things and really that's just the straw that knocked this camel out.
I've been on a serious attempt to like the way that I look even if it
means putting more time and energy into getting dressed, which has led
to me paying attention to what i wear and how it fits. Realistically,
most of my clothes are too big. Despite knowing how, I haven't put the
time and energy into the (mostly) small alterations that make my
clothes fit my body. I buy bigger shirts because I have a long torso
and very long arms attached to broad shoulders. The plan is often to
take in the body of the shirt to tailor it to a more feminine, small-
breasted form and take in the armpits so they don't start below my
breasts as is so common. Really what has happened is that 90% of my
shirts that I'm comfortable wearing don't really show my figure, they
basically just cover as much skin as possible. In a fit of manic need
for organization and breathing room (seriously, i felt like I couldn't
breathe because there were too many piles in the room.) I organized
the small pile of clothes that I wear most often into and onto the
most easily accessible shelves. I sorted them into piles: pants, tanks
and ribbed tanks, and shirts. The jackets and dress should be hung up,
but they're on a chair for now. The shirts became three piles: wear if
and only if jackets are available, would like to wear these but
probably wont, commonly worn. There were only two or three shirts in
the piles, but whatever. It's a big deal for me to fold, sort, and put
away clothes or messes of any kind. Overall, I don't wear most of the
clothes I own because most are from college or pre college years (worn
out and wrong sizes), a lot don't cover what I feel like needs to be
covered, and some are too dressy for my mostly-casual workplace. In
short, I'd love to swap them or just recycle them. I feel like I wear
the same, sloppy outfits most of the time. I have a couple cute things
I've been able to snag off of clearance racks and discount stores but
I tend to shop when i"m feeling good and positive and this usually
results in a I'll just wear short sleeves and not care attitude.
Which, in turn, means I buy short-sleeved things and then only wear
them with over-shirts or jackets and don't feel cute and get
overheated. A quick trip around that circle and it's easy for me to
decide that it's not only pointless to shop, but also pointless to try
to look cute or like the way I look. Fun, I assure you. I've been
avoiding buying new things until the old versions tear, fall apart, or
get eaten by the dog. Even that last one hasn't forced me to replace
my flip flops yet though. I've been looking for shoes but trying to
spend not so much on them. That usually results in cheap shoes that
don't last long and don't fit as well as they could. I have long,
narrow feet and it's difficult to fit them and even harder to do so
for little money. I've looked for shoes the past three weekends and
have yet to find shoes that I like the price of and that fit. I'm
heading north in about a day and a half now and I really wanted at
least one pair of casual, close-toed shoes that don't stink and
haven't been eaten by the dog. I found 4 possibilities at walmart ...
of all places ... but didn't buy them because I had plenty of other
things I wanted to buy and now I'm frustrated. When I get overwhelmed,
I tend to want to throw what's overwhelming me and everything related
to it to the side and just change focus for a bit. I would argue that
it works as a stress management tactic when you're not pressed for
time. It's good to just set things aside sometimes and say "I won't
think or stress about this right now", but it doesn't work when you
haven't done that for so long that you're down to VERY little time.
I'm stressed out and worried about my trip and consequently want to
put everything even closely related to it on hold and just go kill
some time at lunch instead of going home to pack or clean the car or
something like that. I haven't been sleeping well. I actually plan to
get some sleeping meds to help with sleeping once I get up there
because it was really difficult last time. I've grown unaccustomed to
sleeping with the sounds of someone else and I rarely sleep well in a
new place, especially one that stays really light at night. So I could
stay up late tonight to get things done and take my lunch time today
to actually relax. But it just seems like a bad idea. I had a silly
idea that I would make one final try to find shoes and a coat. What a
stupid idea that would be.
Almost an hour later I'm even more frustrated and even more stressed.
Shit. All I want to do now is overeat and then take a nap.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
10 sticky-notes on my monitor that need attention today.
8 estimates that need to be completed by tomorrow afternoon.
1 hour that I'll be taking as a lunch break to try to regain my focus
and clear my head.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
together my thoughts about TWLOHA day or the other things circling my
brain. Hopefully some dinner, a shower, and a little time with the dog
can help me get back to a thinking place. He peed in the bedroom this
morning. I just don't have it in me to continue to be mad at him right
TMI: I really would go back on my anxiety meds just to stop sweating
so much. Gross.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Maybe there's some really integral piece of the puzzle that I'm missing. Maybe that's why there are so many thing that happen in relationships that I just don't get. Maybe I'm too needy or not clear enough about what i need or maybe i'm just not right in the head.
I just finished cleaning the apartment (except for the bathroom) and I was going to get dressed in clothes that are appropriate to leave the house and treat myself to a half price slush at sonic before going to the store, but I started thinking and got so upset that I've been crying for 20 minutes and feel like something ripped every ounce of life and energy out of me.
I'm in a stupid frame of mind and I don't know what to do except drink until I get tired.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I do have to acknowledge that they are not discriminating on any basis besides legal marriage and they're obviously not excluding anyone based on that. I understand the need to document it, but it's not the same as for married couples. And if one more person writes about how easy it is to get a marriage license, I might puke.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
"What a skeletal wreck of a man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, NOW
We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the renting and laws and systems and stems ripped from the branches of office do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your atavistic allure, the value of a summer spent and a winter earned
For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers
A vacation is a countdown
T minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste
WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR? (*background*WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?) SHUT UP!
I could go on and on but let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs
haven't felt like this in years
the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again
That's where you go when there's no one else around it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS THAT'S A FUCKING SECRET AND YOU KNOW IT!
Government is another way to say better, than, you!
It's like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won't stick, its like a whole other world where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware
*laughs* What luck!
Fascism you can vote for
*snorts* Isn't that sweet
And were all gonna die someday 'cause that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said too little when you're gaffer taped in the middle say a prayer save face get yourself together and (*sung in the background* SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!) SHUT UP! (*background* FUCK YOU!) FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but its time to move on so
Remember, you're a wreck an accident
Forget the freak you're just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run because in the end everything we do, is just everything we've done."
Stone Sour, Omega
Saturday, October 24, 2009
BTW, I'm really not a fan of the US Postal Service right now. I am also very, very tired of crying.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I don't know what happened to my brain in the last hour or so, maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm sliding away from happy or even reasonably sad at such a rate that I'm scared. I feel alone, frightened, disheartened and I'm nearing incapacitated. Where did my wonderful vacation go? Where did that sense of safe, calm, and stable go? How did it go so quickly?!?!
The unexpected money problems feel like nothing compared to the fights with my parents. My dad, in particular, was downright nasty. I wouldn't even be specific with my mother about what he said but for a summary threats, insults to nearly every facet of my self and my life, and rejection from their home rank among the hardest to swallow. I'm more angry with myself for letting them into my world and for letting them and him influence what i think about what's going on around me, than anything else.
In the moment I wasn't too upset about our plans of so many things to do getting squashed, but now, 1200+ miles away, I'm afraid it wasn't what was wanted or that someone's upset about it now. I've fallen through any self-assured thoughts tonight and have landed squarely on negative, ridiculously insecure, and please-tell-me-something-that-lets-me-know-everyone-else-is-wrong.
In the mean time, I'm going to calm down, write a list of at least 5 positive things, and try to wrangle the energy for some more self-care (most likely involving food and shower).
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
sinus trouble has left me completely exhausted. I have two post-it
notes worth of things to do outside of work today and all I can think
about it closing my eyes for a few minutes. I'll be at work at 6am
tomorrow and then traveling until at least midnight. I'm stressed out
about traveling, but very, very, very super grateful for Rachel's mp3
player. I'll try to create safe space for myself within the headphones
so I don't worry so much about everything around me and how I relate
to it. Still don't have a way to weigh the suitcases and I'm pretty
worried that they'll be over the weight limit. Maybe someone has a
bathroom scale I can borrow? It would be much easier to feel cute and
confident if I didn't sweat so badly. It's one of the main reasons I
only wear very dark or very light colors on top ... hides it to some
extent. It's super embarrassing and makes me feel dirty, gross, and
unattractive. Feeling cuter and more confident would, in turn, make it
easier to pack for this trip. Although, given the weather predictions,
I don't have many choices.
On a fairly random side note, did you know that some people believe
that a couple's first dance at their wedding is symbolic of their sex
life? Does that mean we should dance with lots of people and switch up
the styles? anyways ...
I had more to say but I work came across my desk again and I had to
work and wake up.
Monday, October 12, 2009
*** let's stop right here for a second ... anyone easily triggered? you're excused, no hard feelings. anyone squeamish? You may leave too. anyone hate to hear me drone on about anything else? Again, no ill wishes, you're excused. ..... Seriously though, if you're easily triggered, don't read this unless you're safe and yes, I'm putting that here for myself***
I have trouble when it comes to both topics finding the point of "enough". It's rarely, if ever deep enough, enough blood, enough pain, enough hurt, enough pounds, enough inches, few enough calories ... Maybe it's related to not being good at being satisfied, maybe it's just not getting fulfilled by the methods that you're trying. I don't know but i do know it's dangerous. I ... i'm getting super insecure even writing about this ... I often feel the same way about my scars. I feel disappointed about some scars on my body because they're not enough. They don't show clearly enough or show enough of the drama/trauma that got them there.
Writing this got interrupted for an hour or so. It needed to happen, but I've lost my momentum.
The short of it: I'm worried and I don't feel like I'm as open about my concerns about myself as I could be.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
interfering with my daily life. I really want to take some time ....
maybe this weekend ... to sit down and really examine why I'm worried
about the things I'm worrying about. I can't even get through it right
for lunch today instead.
Mainly, because there's no one else there.
At least three times this week, I've driven to a store and changed my
mind because I felt intimidated and overwhelmed by the thought of so
many people being inside and what that could result in.
Worrying this much is exhausting.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I'm so worried about things that I used to pride myself on not caring about. (There has to be a better way to word that...) I meet the waves of insecurity with braced knees and stiff back. My back is growing sore and tired. My legs are getting weaker from the consistent barrage of personal uncertainty. There are things that I need to be doing and things that need to get taken care of within a time frame. But instead i curl up on the end of my bed and try to ignore the things that flash through my vision, attack my mind, and toy with my senses. I lie in between the messes and try to just stay still and calm. I lay there like a big, fat, self-deprecating, increasingly paranoid, blob. I'm tired. I need sleep and a good hug. I need my better half. I need my safe harbor.
It has been about a month and a half since I slept well. And probably longer than that since I slept well for a consistent amount of time. I think if I ever managed to combine sleeping well and eating well in the same day for 5 or 6 days, I'd feel like superwoman. (granted, I'd probably outweigh superman by that point, but I'd probably be more okay with it ... probably)
My plan is to finish writing this, turn out the lights and knit while I watch shows until I fall asleep. I hope sleep happens.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Later in the month, I'm taking really only my second vacation since living on my own. I'm kinda nervous about traveling by myself, but it'll be fine, I'm sure.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Do you know what happens when people get their happy sorted out? They
stop talking to /hanging out with/wanting to be around me. No one
wants to be around someone who "can't be happy".
All I want to do is spare everyone from dealing with myself.
I don't feel like I'm worth enough to ask anyone to be supportive
anymore. It's not within what I feel like I'm entitled to.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
figuring something out and not having access to a blog. It's lame, but
I've had them as an online record/play place/scratch pad for my
thoughts since I was 14. For now, it'll be paintings, word docs, and
crappy handwriting. Looks like it might be even longer than originally
expected with the internet problems.
getting out of debt fail
I think I figured out what's been causing a lot of my feelings and
actions about a current situation. It's hurtful, rude, and
embarrassing ... the situation and the most-likely-true theory. I'm
not sure how to handle it besides addressing it and I don't feel like
its up for being addressed.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It's actually not stupid. It's a really big deal to me and I haven't talked with anyone about it ... haven't addressed it where it needs to be addressed. I keep saying it's stupid and not a big deal to try to minimize how much it's affecting me. Obviously, that's working really well. About as well as sarcasm works as a defense mechanism for me these days.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
I was worried.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The other stuff? Oh ... nothing major, just that my plan to enable me to continue to commute to work has fallen through and i have no idea if I'll be able to come up with something else. Freaking out? Not me. Just worried that since I haven't been really totally open with anyone that it's my fault that i feel so damn unsupported by my friends and family. You have to let people know that you need them, right? I don't know. Unsolicited and unappreciated harsh comments about the choices i have made do not, in any way, shape, or form, make me want to lean on you. And, btw, it makes me a lot less sympathetic when you need or want an ear. What does it take for people to realize that sometimes, I need you to keep your opinions to yourself and just be supportive of me. You can say "i told you so" later. You can even say that you think something's a bad idea or not the best, but do me the favor of pretending to understand tact and at least throw in something like "but i can see that you don't agree" ... or something ... please people. I've spent so much time crying today, which has been sort of absent from my life the past week so I'm freaked out a bit. I know it's normal and healthy but i sometimes really hate crying. I found my rough draft of my article that was published my senior year. Wish i would've pursued that a bit harder. I have some really intense concerns about going for a visit. Stupid concerns and i know that they're stupid which makes me feel even worse for even thinking them, but I've been trying to dimiss them and they won't go away and I just feel so damn insecure for letting them float in my mind but i don't know what to do about them. I haven't bought a diet coke from cvs because for the past year and a half, i haven't bought one without buying a coke and probably a crunch bar too. Sometimes i want to strangle my sentimental side. I want my mom to come up so badly, but man i don't want my mom to come up. Which probably makes no sense like most of me lately. I feel sick from crying so hard. I wish every red civic, white avalon, and black quadcab dakota could just get off of the roads and away from me while i'm feeling homesick. It's so ridiculous but i get this "oh hey! there's dad!" feeling when i see trucks like his and when i'm homesick it feels like a punch in the gut when nanoseconds later, reality hits. I washed all of my jeans again because I washed them in the first place because they were getting baggy and i thought it was because they were dirty. This doesn't fit with what i feel. I'm confused and upset and SO DAMN TIRED. This isn't the kind of tired that brings sleep though. No, this is the kind of tired that comes from too many thoughts that you can't address, too many ideas you can't wrangle, random ups and downs, and trying so hard to control impulses. It's the kind of tired that comes from jumping at every fleeting thing in your peripheral vision, from checking and rechecking to try to quell some paranoia but knowing that your brain will just work around the logic that tries so hard to negate it. It's the kind of tired that comes from knowing that other people don't feel this way and act this way and trying continually to not let it break the surface. It's the kind of tired that comes from trying not to feel bad for having an okay day when your favorite person is so far away ... that comes from trying not to feel bad about not wanting the cat that uses your personal things as their toilet ... that comes from trying really really hard to be optomistic about your own potential, from trying not to feel like a failure in comparison to your younger brother, from trying not to count and deny every calorie, from trying not to lose focus at work and trying to recheck every figure because you're afraid the next mistake will surely be your last. Most importantly, though, it's the kind of tired that comes from doing all of this simultaneously and still breathing and functioning and caring for pets and getting out of bed and calling grandma on her birthday and not caving in.
I'm done rambling for now. I think.
I think it's time for some meditation and doodling.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
seem like a very strange reason. I've been in a very good mood a lot
of the time. The reason that this is a problem is that the ups of
these moods are way too up. These good moods have been coming at a
time when I'm confused to feel that way. I'm hardly sleeping and have
been struggling with some intense things, but I still feel decent
overall, energetic, almost frantically inspired, and overwhelmed by
all of my ideas. I sorta feel like my brain's going haywire. My
thoughts are all occupied with food, stress, work, longing, and
absence but I weirdly want to do fun things without regard for
practicality or smile and I want to play and not be serious. This
disparity bouncing around in my synapses is tiring. I'm worried about
it. Concerned that it means that they're right. Conscious that its'
possibly leading somewhere that I might not want to go. I'm exhausted
and it's showing in the way that i behave and react and even think. I
didn't have any yeast last night so I couldn't make the bagels. Now
I'm obsessively thinking about bagels and sandwiches on bagels and a
fried egg with a bagel. Which is stupid because even if i was able to
make and eat the bagels, I wouldn't enjoy eating it. I've been craving
a cheeseburger and fries like nobody's business, but haven't been able
to spare the cash to get it, thankfully. I say thankfully because I
know i'd regret it and be as (or probably more) upset with myself than
I am right now. Currently I'm upset with myself for eating lunch.
Seems stupid, but i am.
i tried to do this more than once this week and once last week. it's
just not happening.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
In spite of their distance to me, I am very thankful for the people in my life. I was told the other day, that when I speak about my FH i glow. That's a pretty powerful thing and not something you can fake. I have a small group of VERY close friends and even though they're now scattered around, I still care about them just as much. Most of them easily jump right back into conversations like no time had passed at all. It's that safe sort of comfort that only comes with really good friends.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Steps to take:
3. Close door.
4. Turn off all unnecessary windows & programs.
5. Handwrite 3 to-do lists: complete immediately, complete before
leaving work, complete before EOD
6. Get water.
7. Take anxiety medication.
8. Keep breathing.
9. Return to working, proceed down the list.
Repeat as necessary to stay calm and finish work today.
Monday, August 17, 2009
occupied. Right now, avoidance. I have my list of things to do. Things
I want to do. The downside is that those are things I want to share.
But I'm the type of person who wants to share everything so maybe
that's pointless to even say. I'm not as bad off as I thought I'd be.
I lingered in the airport to cry a bit because I figured people were
used to seeing that there. Made it to work only a little late. My
chest hurts, but I expected that. Later I'll look for positives, but
right now, I'm okay where I am about this emotionally.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
head off, I might just lose it. Still no hot water. No car. No
answers. It feels like no one wants to help, no matter how or why I
ask. I just wanted to pick up my meds before i got on the bus to go
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
I feel like that list is missing a few key items, but there are some
really well-articulated points and some that I know I would've missed.
It's worth the time to glance through the list and think about your
own privilege, be it race, sexuality, socioeconomic, etc.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
One entry started last week, but never completed:
Let's start with a few simple statements to attempt to keep me on track as I try to write this throughout the day:
1. I'm missing my androgyny. And I'm not sure why.
2. I feel like I need to fight to prove my queer identity -- to whom, I'm not sure. If i'm trying to prove it to me, what does that mean?
3. I'm nervous about moving and all that it entails.
4. Loving the increased income from Etsy, but terrified it's going to stop and also wishing I could spend some of it on new materials like Artclay or MPC3 and the appropriate firing tools.
5. Not really feeling the job security lately. Revised: know i have a few months at least.
7. Ahhhh - the return of NIN, APC, Tool, White Zombie, Rob Zombie and the like to my life. =)
8. My meds are making me sick like whoa.
9. I stopped traffic a few days ago. With my hand on the steering wheel sitting still at a red light.
11. New Orleans & Back in 24hrs. I took photos, but they're stuck on my phone. Hostel was beautiful, there's something beautiful in the decay of that city ... A - you'd like it.
12. It's become a need in my life NOT to have a roommate. I can live with my fiance, but NOT with our current roommate. And it's making me feel like I don't want to have a roommate at all anymore. Unless it's someone i know and we know and we know we can live with. ... maybe.
13. Phone situation, so everyone knows - call the house or work, not the cell. Email, fb, or IM.
Another, started yesterday:
I just don’t know how to manage my time lately to fit everything in.
These things HAVE to be done:
- Work -- 8:45 – 5:30 technically, realistically up 7:30am – 7pm out at the latest
- Cook – 3 days a week solo, 1 together
- Eat – dinner takes about an hour to eat, sometimes 2 if we watch a movie with it
- Etsy – I have custom order that have time limits, they require time right now
- Searching – at least an hour, preferably more. I’ve been doing this at 6am because it’s easier for me to focus then, but I’m not sure it’s the best for me overall
- Sleeping – I need at least 4 hours, preferably more
- Down time – I need at least a few minutes to work on a project for me, or just to sit and stare, or to check google reader, or to talk with friends online
- Together time – A big, big need for me especially with the stress that we’re both under right now. Cuddling, talking, playing, wii, movies, tv … something.
I’m not really willing to compromise on those. The Etsy stuff can be less than everyday, I think, but not always. I’m starting to get large orders that need time put into them and they all have deadlines that always approach faster than expected.
Needless to stay I get started and then ......
oh wait now it's like 8 hours later and i haven't even finished that sentence. uuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Armpits or hair
2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
4. Do you plan outfits?
5.How are you feeling RIGHT NOW?
not so hot. actually very cold.
6. What's the closest thing to you that's red?
Part of my business card ... the chair, the folders, the tabs, the
markers, the writing on the calendar, the notepads ...
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
the first, except when people don't get it
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Nightmare is more like it: Oscar got in wreck in front of my office
after he dropped me off early. It was horrifically detailed and
frightening and i woke up sweaty and gross and panicked.
9. Did you meet anybody new today?
No ... well the guy who lived at the house we visited today, but other
than the fact that he plays a reed instrument I didn't really know him
10. What are you craving right now?
anxiety medication and things i'd rather not talk about here, lol
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
my mom's funky salad
13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
about an hour ago
14. Are you emotional?
15. Would you dance to the taco song?
uhhh ... i'll pass, thanks.
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
No, I don't like numbers unless they're odd and not in patterns.
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
But it, but i wish i had the self control to make it last longer.
18. Do you like your hair?
Not really right now. It's too light, too short or too long. And
19. Do you like yourself?
20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
not that i can think of ... which i guess is a resounding no
21. Do you like cottage cheese?
22. What are you listening to right now?
some old school disturbed and stabbing westward
23. How many countries have you visited?
24. Are your parents strict?
25. Would you go sky diving?
In a heartbeat.
26. Would you go out to eat with George w Bush?
For novelty's sake, yes.
27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
Would we discuss anything? (it would depend)
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Does a glass of water count?
29. Have you ever been in a castle?
30. Do you rent movies often?
31. Who sits in the seat behind you class?
haha ... haven't been to a class in years .... which when i think
about it, is scary
32. Have you made a prank phone call?
33. Do you own a gun?
A water gun.
34. Can you count backwards from 74?
Yes, but i'd like to avoid it.
35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Probably Oscar and our animals.
36. Brown or white eggs?
I don't have a preference.
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
38. Ever been on a train?
Yes. Even slept on one overnight. Or was supposed to sleep, but didn't
39. Like the person you're dating?
Yes, or dating would suck.
40. Do you have a cell-phone?
41. Are you too forgiving?
I'm not sure
42. Do you use chapstick?
Homemade olive oil and honey lip balm
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
I'm not sure
44. Can you use chop sticks?
45. Ever have cream puffs?
Once or twice
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yep, more than once
47. What was the last question you asked?
What am I supposed to do with that information?
48. What was the last CD you bought?
uhhhhhh? It's been awhile.
49. Boys or girls?
"Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like theyre girls
Who do girls like theyre boys" .... but only if you force me to choose
50. What is your bus number for school?
lol the last one i can remember was 1933
51. Is your hair curly?
52. Last time you cried?
Less than 2 hours ago
53. Ever walked into a wall?
54. Do looks matter?
56. Have you ever slapped someone?
57. Favorite time of the year?
58. Favorite color?
59. Are you sarcastic?
60. Do you have any tattoos?
yeah & want more
61. The last person you held hands with?
Oz .... unless you count Odysseus
62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
63. Where was your profile picture taken at?
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
65. Do you like your life right now?
I hate questions like this.
66. How often do you talk on the phone?
maybe 3 times a day .... working sort of mandates that
67. What is your favorite animal?
68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
pepsi max, but I almost went back and returned it after hearing the
most absurdly sexist and stupid commercial on the radio
69. Do you have good vision?
No. My astigmatism is the worst part of it though.
70. Can you hula hoop?
Yeah, but it's kinda silly.
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
72. Do you have a job?
73. Can you handle the truth?
74. What are you wearing?
too small jeans and a top that makes me look pregnant (not in a
75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
just returning to bed and letting my monday start later in the day.
I'm currently glad that I didn't because I have 19 folders on my desk
and throughout my office that need my attention. Some are even so kind
as to label themselves "HOT!!!". My headache might burst through my
skull, but work won't build up. Priorities, I suppose.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
it's really not doing much for my self esteem. Things are getting
holes or stains or hems are falling out. Holes and hems, I can
sometimes fix, but stains aren't really as easy and even holes can
look ratty once repaired. It's super embarrassing that these jeans I
love so dearly are wearing thin where my body rubs together. Yuck.
I'm going through withdrawal from my meds and it's really got me on
edge. If anyone could spare some extra patience, self-love, or
enthusiasm I know a few people who could use it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
clock so I don't go completely batty trying to hold out for lunch. I'm
not hungry, I just need a break. I think I'll go home. Crawl into bed
for 15 mins or so ... that's all I can spare, really if I drive home
for lunch. Yet another reason to move. I have an awful headache and my
eyes are burning. :(
Thursday, April 9, 2009
doing the same, mundane thing all day. Even the sugar from the it's-
your-birthday-but-not-really-yet cupcakes hasn't done much for my
alertness. I even paired it with coffee. :( I'm restless at night. And
feeling the heavy, creeping weight of depression sinking in over my
body today. I'm trying to fight it off. I'm reaching out. I'm
breathing. I'm stretching. I'm doodling. I'm writing. I'm starting to
think that people that matter to me think I like it this way. I'm
afraid they think I don't fight, don't try to be different. I gotta
say, it hurts. Lately I find myself thinking about things that
shouldn't be surfacing again, but they are. I'm not sure what to do
with them. I'm very thankful that between the stuff I picked up two
days ago, the stuff I got on Monday, and the other thing I got this
morning, I seem to have managed two horrible girly-part problems
without the doctor. Granted, one night was spent awake, on the toilet
and in the shower, crying and considering going to urgent care, but
they're handled now. IDK if you read this babe, but I thought of a
fairly easy way to make what you were talking about last night happen
and soon too. (vague - check, odd - check, sorry - not so much ....
ha! ... okay i'm really lame.) It's still weird sometimes. That some
certain people are missing on birthdays. 18 - 22 saw so much of the
same crowd. It's time to let go, though, and make new memories! Right?
Don't get me wrong, I love new friends. But it hasn't really been that
long since those older friends were my only friends. So I'm not going
to be too hard on myself for missing them sometimes. Missing the
comfort of routine and familiarity. Blah. Today feels rather ... blah-
esq. I'm so glad I have a four day weekend. I neeeed a break. And I
need to stop bitching here.
I love your body, even if you don't.