Wednesday, December 30, 2009

yuck

There's something that I'm trying to deal with but I feel really
detached and not willing or able to deal with it. I'm not going to
have much of a choice pretty soon. I'm guarded and afraid to just feel
how I feel about it, despite feeling like I had made my peace with it.
I'm just still hurt and unsure and really vulnerable. I'm apprehensive
and it's compounded by hormones and an approaching indicator. It's the
type of situation that makes me stay up all night thinking and want to
sleep all day and hope that my brain stops working. It's the type of
situation that makes me want to give up. It's not that dramatic or
heavy normally but the past couple of days I have felt the weight of
it intensely. I have some serious negativity about it, but I'm trying
really hard not to let it ruin anything else.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

antsy pants

I'm getting very antsy for this week to move forward. I want the day to be over and my house to be cleaner (i'm not sure CLEAN is really ever attainable, I think it's sort of like tomorrow). I want people to be here and I want time off where I don't have to travel. I'm making treats and snacks for this week tonight and if it takes long enough, I'll get a little help. LOL. I wanted to go look for a couple of sweaters because it's been a tad chilly lately, but I need to let the dog out, want to make things and my xmas cash can continue to hang out in my bank account. I want friends around. I want my man in my bed. Sorry, but it's true. Forgot toilet paper again last night and need supplies for the snacks ... if I decide to make them all. Going to the store after work again. Still need to pick up alcohol too. I think I'll go home, let the dog out, start the snacks and cleaning and then go back out. I can always get the libations on my lunch tomorrow. Cleaning is the most important though. I'm just worried about having space for people and their thing and not driving people crazy with my version of organization.

I heard back about that interview. No go for the second round. Trying to ignore it, but *ouch*.

I have ignored work for long enough. Back to the estimates.


This was thoughtful until the end.

My body has very physical reactions to stress. My mouth gets canker sores. My hands and fingertips get eczema. And the back of my head and neck develop hives. The physical reactions to stress have changed and fluctuated over the years, but they have always had one predictable effect on me. They have always made me feel decidedly unsexy which is insanely frustrating when some of them are caused by that very same feeling and the things I think about and do to try to combat that. (Does that make sense at all? I had to take some tylenol PM so I can sleep tonight and to get some relief from the mouth pain.) I was already starting to stress about how to manage how I look with how I want to feel and how I want other people to see me but then i was sidelined by the pain in my mouth and the itchiness and the exhaustion. I've reached a plateau of sorts. I'll call it my take-me-as-i-am plateau. I've spent too much time changing and trying to be something and someone different so people will be attracted to me and want to sleep with me and be around me and like me. I'm fairly over it, at least for now. I'm buying the clothes I buy because I feel good in them, not because I think they demonstrate that I'm attracted to and attractive to certain people. I'm wearing what I wear because it looks good on me, not because I feel awkward and left behind. If I feel left behind and awkward it's okay to change if it's really for me. And it's okay to pay attention to fashion and trends and it's okay to intentionally ignore them and avoid them if it's realy for me. In the past 7 or so years I've gone from a size three to a size 12 and everywhere in between and back again. I think I've even done that up and down and up again in the past year. I was stressing about being perceived as sexy, but damnit right now if you don't think I'm sexy and want to sleep with me as I am then I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want to tell myself that I need to shave (although I enjoy it) or need to wear makeup (also something I sometimes enjoy) or need to do certain things and be certain ways for someone to be attracted to me, to want to stay with me, and to want to commit to me. I'm just going to be me in the best ways that I can and that's just going to be enough. Maybe I'm going to be the best me in the best ways that I can?

Gross. Just had to take a break writing to take more ticks off of the dog. Gross gross gross gross gross! He's not a fan either.

Monday, December 28, 2009

useless

I've been basically useless at work today. I don't feel very put together or I do feel very haphazardly put together. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel well physically. I had a horrible time sleeping last night and I went to bed super irritated. My irritability spilled over today and I basically just fell apart at lunch. Thankfully, I was home by myself and had time to just sit with myself and cry. I forgot a decent-sized part of my shopping list last night so I really should run out and finish picking up things tonight. I brought a couple things that I need to return with me, but I"m not sure I have the patience for them today.  I'm tired, but I have plans for dessert and coffee tonight. I want to leave myself tomorrow to clean so that I'm not in the middle of it while friends are arriving. I really, really hate cleaning. Well it's not so much that but I hate that I don't have very clear, easily accessible places for everything to go. Since moving everything to accommodate a roommate, space is tight. Most days it doesn't bother me, but lately everything feels cluttered and crowded. And messy. And sloppy. And immature. And gross. The craft supplies are difficult to put away because I don't have enough drawer space to fit everything like I used to do in the old house. I want the dining room table (that now lives in the bedroom) to be clear except for presents. The difficulty is that the dog is still destructive so things need to live out of reach most of the time. I'm really irritable and feeling pretty much like avoiding all of humanity until I can feel comfortable breathing again. It's more than irritable, though. I'm not really sure how to clearly explain it. I'm sure that there's a lot of emotions going on, but sometimes when things get this difficult for me to navigate I wish I could go back a few years where my walls were thick with anger and very little made it through to me. I sometimes wish that I could just feel one thing the majority of the time ... even if it was negative. Days like this make me wish that I could just choose to feel that way again. Impermeable. Solid. I know that when I feel like this it's important to focus on self care. There's a song on a CD that E sent me that has really been the only thing to make me smile in a couple days. The song is "Friends" by Band of Skulls. Here's a link to a live performance.  So that's become part of my self care for today. I also plan to go run those errands and maybe continue my epic hunt for shoes. The self care part of that is that I'm not going to feel guilty for not rushing home to talk to people online (I have a cell phone people can call me if they need me. There's no reason for me to rush home or to want to feel needed so badly.) or to let the dog out (I went home at lunch and he'll be okay). If I can get the toiletry items that I need, I also plan on taking a long and thorough shower tonight. You know that part in Garden State near the fireplace where she danced? I'm in it right now. Working through and into some thoughts. I wish i didn't have them. I wish i could run from them. 

work work work


I really miss Layla. We had to put her to sleep the day after christmas. She fell on christmas eve and didn't stand up on her own for almost two full days. She was so aggressive in the vet's office. I really wish she hadn't been. I hate remembering her that way. It's what needed to be done, I know this. But part of me really questioned it on the way home. She was almost 13. What is that in "dog years"? Almost 91 I think.

My emotions are all over the place again today and I'm hoping that I can keep things better in control tomorrow. I need to find my way back to a place where I'm taking control of what I'm feeling because right now, this feels like I'm attached to a yo-yo that I've handed to an unskilled 5 year old.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Me time.

I plan on using my lunch time today to do something for me to help me feel grounded and calmed to prep for the upcoming chaos. Honestly, it might be a nap. I'm still feeling sick and woke myself up this morning by coughing up nastiness. My anxiety is a bit out of control today and I've even avoided caffeine. I wish I would've picked up some kava tea. I could run to fresh market, but i'd rather not add stress by trying to possibly alleviate some of the physical effects of it.  I'm thinking embroidering maybe? I meant go get rawhides to bribe Odysseus with on the way down south. Too late now, I guess. Although I could swing by on the way out of town. I'm still debating about signing up for Style School with some of my favorite bloggers. So tempting, but a solid chunk of change. Would basically eliminate any spending money from Jan, but would give me projects ideas and inspiration so it seems totally worth it. In all honesty, I meant to add it to my xmas list, but forgot. That kava tea should've been on my list too! The office has such a weird atmosphere here today. Quiet and intense, but also a bit erie for a building that's usually full of screaming, running, and hectic demanding. I painted my nails last night but somehow forgot to paint my pinkie nail on my right hand. Whoops. On an even more random note, things like this make me miss my gaged earrings. And now i've killed enough time to actually take a lunch. 


Sunday, December 20, 2009

procrastination

I have very little food in the house and an odd assortment at that. Corn, tomato soup, graham crackers, and ice cream. I've been sticking with the graham crackers for ease of eating and because they feel like what you're supposed to eat when you feel icky. The soup will be dinner, for sure. But, my point is that there's things like grocery shopping that I need to do. I'll only be here a few days this week, but i certainly can't eat out every day, for every meal. I also have yet to finish christmas shopping for the people that I will spend Christmas day with ... whoops. It's more fun for me to buy for the people that won't be there not because they won't be there, but because i'm more confident of my ability to provide them with something that they'll appreciate and enjoy and it's really important to me. Plus I'm anxious about going home. I'm hoping for the whirlwind of relatives and chaos to fend off most one on one and intense conversations. Despite the things I need to be doing, I'm in bed. Feeling sick and icky and dreading work tomorrow for fear that i'll still feel this way. I got up and showered this morning to go to something important and the shower got me so tired that i needed to lie down and i fell asleep again :( I'm trying to keep my mood up or at least level. It's always a struggle when i don't feel well physically. I've moved my positive things to a small notebook that's turned into an art journal. I think i want to get books for dad. I'd like to finish jewelry for mom, but maybe an ornament to supplement. And for the brother cold weather things, I think. idk. Running out of time for sure. I think I need to lie down again.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thursday 12/17

Today has been a struggle for me. There's been SO many things to do
just at/for work. I haven't really even put a dent in my personal to-
do list. Whatever sickness is creeping into my body is definitely
finding a way to settle in my chest which doesn't help the way i feel
when days of physical sickness walk hand in hand with days of high
anxiety. I need a break from this office and the petty BS that runs
rampant. I don't expect to find a place where it doesn't exist, I just
expect to find people who deal with it more effectively.

We have a tradition of a holiday meal at work for our department. Most
people are very big on food so we get good food and wine in the middle
of the day, which is nice, but I'm just not feeling social and cozy
and that sort of thing. *fingers crossed for tomorrow, though* As part
of our food fest, we do a survey and then read everyone's answers and
try to guess who said them. It's like a fairly clean version of that
board game .... Loaded Questions. This year's questions:
Name one thing you miss about being a kid.
Name something not many people know about you.
What is your favorite place on earth?
If your house was on fire and you could only grab 3 things before
leaving, what would they be?
If you could go on a road trip with someone (dead or alive) who would
you chose and where would you go?
You wouldn't be caught dead being seen where? (note: obviously
copywriters aren't in our dept.)
If you were given $1 Million and you have to spend it in one day and
cannot buy any real estate, any kind of boat or vehicle, and cannot
invest or put it in a bank ... how would you spend it?
What's your favorite trend or fad of the last decade?
What do you hate most about the holidays?
Who is your ultimate celebrity crush?

Want to play along? Or have a good answer for me that you think will
throw people off? LOL. If you know anything about the people I work
with, you can probably guess who wrote the questions.

I'm really negative and a lot of it ends up showing here and through
my posture ... and in my conversations, art, and motivation ... and in
the way i fail to take care of myself. ... Okay, okay it shows up
everywhere. Either way, I'm trying to shift my focus back to finding
the positive sides of things. I was really good about it this morning
and putting positive energy into the situations that were occurring
really felt good and lasted longer than the situations themselves. So
I'm making it a point to find at least 2 positive things a day for the
next week.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

whew

That went very well. I'll try not to get my hopes up too high and
definitely will continue with apps, but it went better than i thought
it would. I'll know in a week if i need to book a flight for an in-
person interview.
I needed something positive.
I needed to calm down and focus and get my head on straight.
Now finishing work and making appointments with the ologist and iatrist.

I'm sorry i'm so chaotic.

coward

i'm not sure i have the strength to face anyone today. woke up sick to my stomach and i'm debating going to work. i barely slept ... worse than usual and i can't focus and haven't showered. at least i took care of the dog.

Monday, December 14, 2009

whew

Too close for comfort. I just literally ran through the building to
get a box of shirts to someone. At least they got there. Whew.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

12.13.09

I just fell into a hole. I don't know where it came from or where I'd be without it, but my mood, motivation, and total disposition just bottomed out. I've been taking allergy medicine this week to help with my sinus problems and it's had the fortunate side effect of basically being a sedative. I didn't get too angry or too worked up or even too anxious. I didn't melt down into tears more than three times this week at work. I was tired and quiet and withdrawn, but sometimes (especially when it comes with lessened sinus problems) it's really how I prefer to be. I wore half sleeves to the christmas party last night and even though i had so much makeup on over my scars, it was nice to not have all the extra layers of clothing. My moods are becoming more polarized and more difficult for me to predict. It's making work really tough. I took on a different account recently and i love working on it. I enjoy the client and the jobs. I get a small bit of satisfaction knowing that if she had a chance, my boss probably wouldn't have given it to me. Nothing's fucked up on it yet ... fingers crossed. Lately my desire to prove to myself that I can handle it among my other clients really has me pushing myself to work longer hours and work harder during those hours. I'm a little burnt out in all directions and I'm not really sure how to keep going. I need to bribe myself somehow or maybe just shut the fuck up and keep on pushing so I don't lose momentum and fall apart.

Friday, December 11, 2009

office party

It's supposed to be about 50 degrees and rainy tomorrow during the
office xmas party. I'm currently playing the "what the heck am i going
to wear" game. Why couldn't we have this party after the next paycheck?
It's about 40 degrees right now and getting dark already.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I don't know if the problem is with my sewing machine or my use of it, but it's not working correctly and until I have the patience to figure it out and/or the money to get it fixed I'm just going to have to not use it. I'm really upset about it and almost chucked it out the window when it fucked up the project I was just working on. SO SO ANGRY.

Friday, December 4, 2009

i really will go back to that food/shopping post soon, but i need to write now to stay even and calm. I feel really lonely. But at the same time, I feel so irritable and agitated and gross that I would rather stay away from everyone than risk making anything awful or worse. For several months I've been able to at least be a little prepared for my moods and how they'll oscillate based on how my hormones are fluctuating, but this month things are all off kilter and out of sync. Even when I'm sleeping I never feel rested and it's starting to add up. My anxiety is so bad. I've had to skip going into stores and I've had to change plans to avoid feeling worse. I'm not even taking care of basic things like showering and it only bothers me because at some point, I'll notice that my hair looks dirty and messy and then I'll slide a little further down. I'm mad at myself for being so down and so negative and for crying any time I stop being completely and totally mentally engrossed in something. I want to feel better. I want to be positive. I want to be different. I got an account at work sort of by accident. It's one i've wanted to work on for awhile but it's almost overwhelming and I want it to go right and i want to handle it so badly but i'm afraid i'm going to screw up a little teenie tiny detail. And then it'll get taken away. It wouldn't be the fist that's been taken away from me. I thought about taking a sick day earlier this week to sort of get my head on straight, but all I could think about was the work that would pile up while I was gone and the possibility that i could use those later on to visit people who don't live here. I started chipping away at a little debt this month. Which felt good. It also needed to be done so they'd stop calling me at least for a bit. It's a really small payment, but it's a step in the right direction. I've managed to finish the last two pay periods in the positive and that's a huge deal compared to where we were. It's funny how, when you try not to think about something, it's everywhere. I know I know I know. I shouldn't even have anything to say about it but it's shaken me to the core. It's messed with my head and poured salt in my sugar and all of those stupid cliche phrases. But i'm too scared to bring it up. So I'll continue to sob by myself and in bathrooms at work until i can get some backbone and face it head on like a normal person. im cared of what it migh mean.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

To be continued later ... food post ....

This post was inspired by Loaf's post here. (Most of the things she writes makes me want to write more often and more articulately. Definitely on my daily reading list.) 

So here I am, back in Tallahassee, with the dog who needs my attention and care and all I want to do is be completely selfish and cry until I fall asleep for 18 years until I feel not depressed. After trying to eat whatever was in the house for a day after my epic drive back from CT, I decided I did actually need to go the grocery store. It's one of those times when I need basically everything ... eggs, pasta, even olive oil. I didn't even have what I needed to make my go-to Peanut Butter Pasta! The grocery store is a HUGE source of stress for me. Lots of people? Check. Food? Check. Money? Check. Three huge sources of stress inconveniently packaged in a large building complete with freezing temperatures and weirdoes. Last night it even included wind, pouring rain, and cold. I find being organized and on task completely necessary to handle food shopping by myself without a panic attack. 

Monday, November 30, 2009

I was going to wait to add pictures, but

I just wanted to say that Thanksgiving was amazing and I'm so in love.

Monday, November 23, 2009

tears

I hate crying at work.
1. Men kissing men on TV isn't any less appropriate than a man kissing
a woman and you seriously disgust me by thinking so.
2. Stop pawning your work off on me.
3. I need a break. I'm afraid this break won't feel like a break.

kind of upset

To be fair, I woke up in a crappy mood today. The dry-cleaner that i
live behind decided I should wake up several times this morning to
their banging and clanging and malodorous doings. Before I attempted
to sleep last night my computer and printer conspired their way into a
complete and utter lock down. I'm on the tail end of a period of
REALLY intense moods and shifts. No middle ground here, it's either
super happy and active or crying myself to sleep. I've been self
medicating in a variety of ways to keep an anchor to middle ground and
to function through the work day and through conference calls and
group lunches. I have to enter all my time by the end of tomorrow. I
have a stack of files that need spec sheets and estimates. I have
projects that need to be pushed forward this week to stay on schedule.
And yet, I'm sidelined by the ice being completely melted and ruining
a tasty lemonade that i really wanted to drink. I'm upset about other
things and really that's just the straw that knocked this camel out.
I've been on a serious attempt to like the way that I look even if it
means putting more time and energy into getting dressed, which has led
to me paying attention to what i wear and how it fits. Realistically,
most of my clothes are too big. Despite knowing how, I haven't put the
time and energy into the (mostly) small alterations that make my
clothes fit my body. I buy bigger shirts because I have a long torso
and very long arms attached to broad shoulders. The plan is often to
take in the body of the shirt to tailor it to a more feminine, small-
breasted form and take in the armpits so they don't start below my
breasts as is so common. Really what has happened is that 90% of my
shirts that I'm comfortable wearing don't really show my figure, they
basically just cover as much skin as possible. In a fit of manic need
for organization and breathing room (seriously, i felt like I couldn't
breathe because there were too many piles in the room.) I organized
the small pile of clothes that I wear most often into and onto the
most easily accessible shelves. I sorted them into piles: pants, tanks
and ribbed tanks, and shirts. The jackets and dress should be hung up,
but they're on a chair for now. The shirts became three piles: wear if
and only if jackets are available, would like to wear these but
probably wont, commonly worn. There were only two or three shirts in
the piles, but whatever. It's a big deal for me to fold, sort, and put
away clothes or messes of any kind. Overall, I don't wear most of the
clothes I own because most are from college or pre college years (worn
out and wrong sizes), a lot don't cover what I feel like needs to be
covered, and some are too dressy for my mostly-casual workplace. In
short, I'd love to swap them or just recycle them. I feel like I wear
the same, sloppy outfits most of the time. I have a couple cute things
I've been able to snag off of clearance racks and discount stores but
I tend to shop when i"m feeling good and positive and this usually
results in a I'll just wear short sleeves and not care attitude.
Which, in turn, means I buy short-sleeved things and then only wear
them with over-shirts or jackets and don't feel cute and get
overheated. A quick trip around that circle and it's easy for me to
decide that it's not only pointless to shop, but also pointless to try
to look cute or like the way I look. Fun, I assure you. I've been
avoiding buying new things until the old versions tear, fall apart, or
get eaten by the dog. Even that last one hasn't forced me to replace
my flip flops yet though. I've been looking for shoes but trying to
spend not so much on them. That usually results in cheap shoes that
don't last long and don't fit as well as they could. I have long,
narrow feet and it's difficult to fit them and even harder to do so
for little money. I've looked for shoes the past three weekends and
have yet to find shoes that I like the price of and that fit. I'm
heading north in about a day and a half now and I really wanted at
least one pair of casual, close-toed shoes that don't stink and
haven't been eaten by the dog. I found 4 possibilities at walmart ...
of all places ... but didn't buy them because I had plenty of other
things I wanted to buy and now I'm frustrated. When I get overwhelmed,
I tend to want to throw what's overwhelming me and everything related
to it to the side and just change focus for a bit. I would argue that
it works as a stress management tactic when you're not pressed for
time. It's good to just set things aside sometimes and say "I won't
think or stress about this right now", but it doesn't work when you
haven't done that for so long that you're down to VERY little time.
I'm stressed out and worried about my trip and consequently want to
put everything even closely related to it on hold and just go kill
some time at lunch instead of going home to pack or clean the car or
something like that. I haven't been sleeping well. I actually plan to
get some sleeping meds to help with sleeping once I get up there
because it was really difficult last time. I've grown unaccustomed to
sleeping with the sounds of someone else and I rarely sleep well in a
new place, especially one that stays really light at night. So I could
stay up late tonight to get things done and take my lunch time today
to actually relax. But it just seems like a bad idea. I had a silly
idea that I would make one final try to find shoes and a coat. What a
stupid idea that would be.

Almost an hour later I'm even more frustrated and even more stressed.
Shit. All I want to do now is overeat and then take a nap.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

work overload by the numbers

23 active folders in my office.
10 sticky-notes on my monitor that need attention today.
8 estimates that need to be completed by tomorrow afternoon.
1 hour that I'll be taking as a lunch break to try to regain my focus
and clear my head.
0 motivation.

pants

I'm wearing new pants today and I think they need to go back. Super
disappointing.
That is all.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I dont really know what to do with myself. I started cutting a couple days ago. I ate some rice tonight and it was the first solid food i'd had in like 44 hours. I'm really intensly tired of disappointing the people around me so I couldn't even figure out how to communicate to anyone that i was feeling that bad or was getting close to that which i'm sure has how hurt me even more. I don't know whether to give up and just admit defeat and go live away from people and learn to program so i don't have any human interaction or if i should try to handle this and do something with it. I'm completely overwhelmed. I get like maybe a week each month where i can keep my head above water and it's to the point where i can't even navigate that. i've blamed it on alot of things and i'm sure situational things have contributed to it but the root of it is just me. That's what wrong with me -- i'm me. I drank 2 or 3 bottles of wine and abottle of vodka by myself last week so there's another great path i'm headed down. I recognize that I shouldn't expect people to be able to be there for me regardless of everything else. So i've stopped trying to lean on anyone too much. Eaerlier i was just putting myhead down at work to keep from passing out. I try to sleep but ti doesn't do much anymore. I'm a wreck. A big fat train wreck and I'm destroying everything in my path. I think should jump out of the way now.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

aedm

boo.

This is stupid. I'm being stupid about this, also. Argh.

Friday, November 13, 2009

rough.

I'm feeling rough. Too much is running through my head for me to put
together my thoughts about TWLOHA day or the other things circling my
brain. Hopefully some dinner, a shower, and a little time with the dog
can help me get back to a thinking place. He peed in the bedroom this
morning. I just don't have it in me to continue to be mad at him right
now.


TMI: I really would go back on my anxiety meds just to stop sweating
so much. Gross.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I love that when i'm intoxicated I will eat whatever I want to eat.

Monday, November 9, 2009

fall

I felt really good at lunch. I did something and it actually made me
happy. And unfortunately, like a jenga tower, it takes something so
small to send me crashing back to the bottom.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

sick cycle carousel

I'm not looking forward to anything and it's becoming this crushing reality that's sitting heavy on my chest. Everything's too up in the air and too indefinite. I thought i woke up okay today ... less depressed and less fatalistic, but after a little while it hit me out of no where. I'm avoiding a bunch of things lately. Part of that is out of safety concerns, but part of it is fear and insecurity. I'm avoiding mirrors and being alone and telling my roommate how obnoxious she is and avoiding talking to her about how she's overstepping bounds with the animals (who brings someone else's OUTDOOR cat inside!?!?!). I'm avoiding dealing with my dad because I know i'm not on steady enough ground to not let it blow up. I'm avoiding spending time alone because I don't feel like I'm level enough to deal with the mess that surfaces. I'm avoiding sewing projects because I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm avoiding self injury, but I think that's okay for a little while. I avoid showering sometimes because I don't want to see myself withotu clothes. I'm avoiding songs and memories and wishing and hoping. I've worked myself into this horrible little cycle. What do I do? I cry a lot. I stare into space. I forget things. I fall apart. I complain and I whine. I'm sorry.
____________________________________________________________
Maybe there's some really integral piece of the puzzle that I'm missing. Maybe that's why there are so many thing that happen in relationships that I just don't get. Maybe I'm too needy or not clear enough about what i need or maybe i'm just not right in the head.
I just finished cleaning the apartment (except for the bathroom) and I was going to get dressed in clothes that are appropriate to leave the house and treat myself to a half price slush at sonic before going to the store, but I started thinking and got so upset that I've been crying for 20 minutes and feel like something ripped every ounce of life and energy out of me.
__________________________________________________________

I'm in a stupid frame of mind and I don't know what to do except drink until I get tired.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

We just have different mindsets about this.
You put me off for the times when you're not busy. I make you a part of the things that make me busy.

Friday, November 6, 2009

i am falling apart. I have been trying very very hard to just keep pushing through all of this but i am fucking running out of steam. I know what i could do to calm myself and probably get me through at least a few days in a calmer state, but i want new clothes and as stupid and as vain as that is, maybe it's enough. I kinda want to know that the people i'd fight for, would fight for me. something has to change or i' know i'll end up back in the hospital.

tired.

Can i go back to bed yet? 

Thursday, November 5, 2009

"... that he don't wanna clean up ... "

I hate this stupid dog and this stupid distance. I hate the weather and myself and softball. I hate self expression and clothes and weight and number. I hate me and i hate that it's never worked. I'm a mess...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

maybe

Maybe the whole issue is that I just want too much. 

I think I want simple things, but maybe they're not simple for other people. Maybe what I think of as common courtesy and simple considerations are actually huge, unfathomably frightening obstacles for the people that I interact with. 

Maybe I was right all along and it is always me. 


This is depressing. After I leave work, I'm going to go gather ingredients to make curry and daydream about teaching and living in a place where wearing beautiful things like this wouldn't be silly. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

To prove that we're domestic partners for insurance would require documentation of at least 6 different things (not of all which are needed for marriage). If the state acknowledged our relationship or even acknowledged domestic partnership, we'd only have to submit one document.

I do have to acknowledge that they are not discriminating on any basis besides legal marriage and they're obviously not excluding anyone based on that. I understand the need to document it, but it's not the same as for married couples. And if one more person writes about how easy it is to get a marriage license, I might puke.

:(

11.3.09

i have barely slept for several days and today it's catching up with
me. I think i should do nothing but shower and sleep when i get home.
Let the dog out to pee, then shower, and try desperately to sleep
before everything caves in on itself.
I'm really doing a poor job of taking care of myself. This time change sucks. I've been up since the sun came screaming into my windows. I should be getting ready for work but that involves getting into the shower and the roommate is continuing her bathroom domination. So, here I am writing superficial entries and wishing I was asleep. Fun? Not so much.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I find myself feeling very isolated. I feel like I'm saying what I need to say but either the people I'm talking to aren't hearing me or they're not feeling the weight of the words in the same way. I feel like I've let so much build up and am continuing to that I could scream for hours on end and feel no relief. At the same time, I don't want to reach out to anyone new. I don't want to or don't have the energy to try to look for and remake, repair, or create new connections with someone else. I have more errands to do than time to do them in today. Why don't businesses stay open later!?!?! I'm sorry if I don't want to try to fit them all into my lunch but that short break is sort of necessary to my ability to feed myself and complete the workday without tears. Maybe I'm just not saying it. Maybe it's all some grand delusion.

Friday, October 30, 2009

I'm really upset and, on top of that, I'm really irritable. I'm
bitter, angry, irrational, and hurt.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

"she wishes she was ... and she'd never heard of ..."

I can't even get the words out.



"What a skeletal wreck of a man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, NOW
We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the renting and laws and systems and stems ripped from the branches of office do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your atavistic allure, the value of a summer spent and a winter earned
For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers
A vacation is a countdown
T minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste
WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR? (*background*WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?) SHUT UP!
I could go on and on but let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs
haven't felt like this in years
the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again
That's where you go when there's no one else around it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS THAT'S A FUCKING SECRET AND YOU KNOW IT!
Government is another way to say better, than, you!
It's like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won't stick, its like a whole other world where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware
*laughs* What luck!
Fascism you can vote for
*snorts* Isn't that sweet
And were all gonna die someday 'cause that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said too little when you're gaffer taped in the middle say a prayer save face get yourself together and (*sung in the background* SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!) SHUT UP! (*background* FUCK YOU!) FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but its time to move on so
Remember, you're a wreck an accident
Forget the freak you're just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run because in the end everything we do, is just everything we've done."

Stone Sour, Omega

Saturday, October 24, 2009

It's really difficult to feel that, if we were married, we would be urged to push through troubled times but, since we're not that we're urged to move on instead. Don't tell me time and time again that things aren't always easy and the grass isn't always greener and shit like that if you're going to tell me that things can't be fixed and I should look somewhere else.

BTW, I'm really not a fan of the US Postal Service right now. I am also very, very tired of crying.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

yet another negative post. sorry.

I don't want to be here.
I don't know what happened to my brain in the last hour or so, maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm sliding away from happy or even reasonably sad at such a rate that I'm scared. I feel alone, frightened, disheartened and I'm nearing incapacitated. Where did my wonderful vacation go? Where did that sense of safe, calm, and stable go? How did it go so quickly?!?!

The unexpected money problems feel like nothing compared to the fights with my parents. My dad, in particular, was downright nasty. I wouldn't even be specific with my mother about what he said but for a summary threats, insults to nearly every facet of my self and my life, and rejection from their home rank among the hardest to swallow. I'm more angry with myself for letting them into my world and for letting them and him influence what i think about what's going on around me, than anything else.

In the moment I wasn't too upset about our plans of so many things to do getting squashed, but now, 1200+ miles away, I'm afraid it wasn't what was wanted or that someone's upset about it now. I've fallen through any self-assured thoughts tonight and have landed squarely on negative, ridiculously insecure, and please-tell-me-something-that-lets-me-know-everyone-else-is-wrong.

In the mean time, I'm going to calm down, write a list of at least 5 positive things, and try to wrangle the energy for some more self-care (most likely involving food and shower).

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

10.14.09

The lack of sleep, overabundance of anxiety, and what might be some
sinus trouble has left me completely exhausted. I have two post-it
notes worth of things to do outside of work today and all I can think
about it closing my eyes for a few minutes. I'll be at work at 6am
tomorrow and then traveling until at least midnight. I'm stressed out
about traveling, but very, very, very super grateful for Rachel's mp3
player. I'll try to create safe space for myself within the headphones
so I don't worry so much about everything around me and how I relate
to it. Still don't have a way to weigh the suitcases and I'm pretty
worried that they'll be over the weight limit. Maybe someone has a
bathroom scale I can borrow? It would be much easier to feel cute and
confident if I didn't sweat so badly. It's one of the main reasons I
only wear very dark or very light colors on top ... hides it to some
extent. It's super embarrassing and makes me feel dirty, gross, and
unattractive. Feeling cuter and more confident would, in turn, make it
easier to pack for this trip. Although, given the weather predictions,
I don't have many choices.


On a fairly random side note, did you know that some people believe
that a couple's first dance at their wedding is symbolic of their sex
life? Does that mean we should dance with lots of people and switch up
the styles? anyways ...


I had more to say but I work came across my desk again and I had to
work and wake up.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I'm struggling and I need to be honest about it.

Fear and fear-like anxieties are a big percentage of what I feel every day. I have read enough to understand the basics of the evolutionary benefits of fear and anxieties. However, mine now interrupt and steer parts of my life. When I try to think of them from other people's perspectives, I can recognize that some of them seem fairly absurd. It's hard for me to see where they come from often, because the immediate fear isn't what triggers the fear in me but rather what the realization of that fear would mean to myself and others. (I'm not sure that makes much sense) One of the biggest fears that I'm dealing with currently ... okay it's huge and it has been messing with my head for awhile and I'm not sure what to do with it ... I'm TERRIFIED that people will know that I have gained weight and think that I'm fat. I don't understand it because I don't see anything inherently wrong with being overweight and I don't consciously associate it with negative consequences for anyone else. For myself, it's a different deal. I have baskets upon buckets upon cases of things that I think about myself if/when I put myself or think that someone else is putting me into that box. I'm close to being physically ill when I think about the possibility that I could get off of that plane and he could see me and think that. Eventhough i know it wouldn't matter to him and the way he feels about me. Even though I know he wouldn't say anything if he even thought that. I feel very similarly about losing weight and hurting myself.
*** let's stop right here for a second ... anyone easily triggered? you're excused, no hard feelings. anyone squeamish? You may leave too. anyone hate to hear me drone on about anything else? Again, no ill wishes, you're excused. ..... Seriously though, if you're easily triggered, don't read this unless you're safe and yes, I'm putting that here for myself***
I have trouble when it comes to both topics finding the point of "enough". It's rarely, if ever deep enough, enough blood, enough pain, enough hurt, enough pounds, enough inches, few enough calories ... Maybe it's related to not being good at being satisfied, maybe it's just not getting fulfilled by the methods that you're trying. I don't know but i do know it's dangerous. I ... i'm getting super insecure even writing about this ... I often feel the same way about my scars. I feel disappointed about some scars on my body because they're not enough. They don't show clearly enough or show enough of the drama/trauma that got them there.

Writing this got interrupted for an hour or so. It needed to happen, but I've lost my momentum.
The short of it: I'm worried and I don't feel like I'm as open about my concerns about myself as I could be.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

time moves too slowly

I woke up tired, in a bad mood, and SERIOUSLY irritable. I'm in tears for no reason at all and I think I should just go back to bed.

I feel a meltdown brewing.

Friday, October 9, 2009

esh.

Called out on the weight-loss, the ring and some scars. Excuse me
while I will the earth to open and swallow me whole.


This day needs to end promptly.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

afraid.

I'm seriously struggling with anxiety. It's interrupting and
interfering with my daily life. I really want to take some time ....
maybe this weekend ... to sit down and really examine why I'm worried
about the things I'm worrying about. I can't even get through it right
now. Ouch.

numbers.

Was going to try to run lunchtime errands, but I think I'll go home
for lunch today instead.
Mainly, because there's no one else there.
At least three times this week, I've driven to a store and changed my
mind because I felt intimidated and overwhelmed by the thought of so
many people being inside and what that could result in.
Worrying this much is exhausting.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

It's crowded in here.

My thoughts are crowding each other. It's getting thick and overpopulated in my mind.


I'm so worried about things that I used to pride myself on not caring about. (There has to be a better way to word that...) I meet the waves of insecurity with braced knees and stiff back. My back is growing sore and tired. My legs are getting weaker from the consistent barrage of personal uncertainty. There are things that I need to be doing and things that need to get taken care of within a time frame. But instead i curl up on the end of my bed and try to ignore the things that flash through my vision, attack my mind, and toy with my senses. I lie in between the messes and try to just stay still and calm. I lay there like a big, fat, self-deprecating, increasingly paranoid, blob. I'm tired. I need sleep and a good hug. I need my better half. I need my safe harbor.

It has been about a month and a half since I slept well. And probably longer than that since I slept well for a consistent amount of time. I think if I ever managed to combine sleeping well and eating well in the same day for 5 or 6 days, I'd feel like superwoman. (granted, I'd probably outweigh superman by that point, but I'd probably be more okay with it ... probably)

My plan is to finish writing this, turn out the lights and knit while I watch shows until I fall asleep. I hope sleep happens.

Monday, October 5, 2009

1012 miles

1012 miles have turned me into an insecure fruitcake.
Maybe it's not the miles themselves, it's probably simply my head.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Back in Tallahassee after a weekend at my parents'. It was supposed to be a weekend at an all-day craft show helping my cousin, but she ditched me. Had fun with mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, and cousins though. Family has a talent for making fun of me. Wears on me very quickly.

Later in the month, I'm taking really only my second vacation since living on my own. I'm kinda nervous about traveling by myself, but it'll be fine, I'm sure.

more later.

Monday, September 28, 2009

drown

Everything is going wrong today and i don't know how to keep myself
afloat.

a version of happy?

Everyone is working towards their version of happy.
Do you know what happens when people get their happy sorted out? They
stop talking to /hanging out with/wanting to be around me. No one
wants to be around someone who "can't be happy".

All I want to do is spare everyone from dealing with myself.

I don't feel like I'm worth enough to ask anyone to be supportive
anymore. It's not within what I feel like I'm entitled to.

Friday, September 25, 2009

???

What am I supposed to do? Just pretend I don't see it, don't know?
I'm not oblivious. And I hope to hell you remember...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

9.23.09

not too happy with myself and my choices today :(
Just needed to put that down in writing before I left the internet for
the day.

"take it or leave it, I won't let go..."

One of the most frustrating parts about not having internet at home is
figuring something out and not having access to a blog. It's lame, but
I've had them as an online record/play place/scratch pad for my
thoughts since I was 14. For now, it'll be paintings, word docs, and
crappy handwriting. Looks like it might be even longer than originally
expected with the internet problems.
getting out of debt fail
communication fail
general fail
self fail


I think I figured out what's been causing a lot of my feelings and
actions about a current situation. It's hurtful, rude, and
embarrassing ... the situation and the most-likely-true theory. I'm
not sure how to handle it besides addressing it and I don't feel like
its up for being addressed.
Concerned :(

Monday, September 21, 2009

Still ridiculously upset and sensitive about it. :(
Just keep breathing.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Why does something so stupid have me so upset?!?! I know it's what I said I wanted and I know it's what I deserve, but ... damn it!


It's actually not stupid. It's a really big deal to me and I haven't talked with anyone about it ... haven't addressed it where it needs to be addressed. I keep saying it's stupid and not a big deal to try to minimize how much it's affecting me. Obviously, that's working really well. About as well as sarcasm works as a defense mechanism for me these days.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

"can't say you didn't mean it can't say you didn't try..."

I need to relax. I need to chill out. I need to breathe and not let this escalate any further. I'm crying about every 20 minutes for seemingly nothing. I'm being incredibly impatient and snappy with Odysseus. The tension in my chest is becoming a physical pain. I know I'm exhausted. I know it's been at least 2 weeks, but possibly more since I've slept more than 4 hours a night. I jump at every sound. I fell asleep earlier for about 4 minutes and woke up so confused and disoriented. I thought I was in jacksonville. What the heck is going on with me?

Blindsided.

Ran errands this morning and was even feeling pretty good, despite my wicked sore throat. Struggled with not being able to buy what i wanted (hair product, chocolate ... ) and despite that, was still feeling decently motivated and positive. But then I got back here and I don't even know what happened but it's like I got struck on the back of the head. Completely blindsided by a wave of depression. I think as soon as this potential roommate comes by, I'll try to nap or maybe try to figure out a way to finish the two paintings i've been working on. I know I should be using the good light and nice fresh air to get product photos done and then list them tonight, but right now I just want to be in a dark room, wrapped in blankets, crying by myself.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Thank you, dear universe ...

Thank you, great big universe for letting a few things go well today. I needed it more than most will ever know. Highlights: rainbow/tie-dyed cupcakes, a phone call with a time/date, postcard :D, craft blog views higher than ever before, work problem solved without going to accounting and begging for forgiveness and mercy ...

Whew.
I was worried.
Thanks again,
me.

"i'm not through the night ..."

Had a really, really rough day today. More mistakes that I've made at work keep surfacing. It seems like I went through a period of time where I fucked everything up and it's now returning to bite me in the ass. I thought I had made it out the other side, but no. Actually, I thought all of the mistakes were centered around a specific time period, but today's doesn't fit that pattern as closely and that took every bit of hope, confidence, and determination out of me. I bottomed out and crashed hard. My adrenaline spiked into a rage and the usual tears and then left me so low that I literally was nodding off at my desk. I'm so worried that I'll lose my job. Serious dread. Which was already a large part of my workday, but is now all encompassing. I feel trapped at work. Trapped by what people know about me, trapped by my past, trapped by this town, trapped in my own head. It's getting worse ... how isolated I feel. I don't know how to describe the mental cloudiness that i'm experiencing every day. It makes it hard to think and concentrate. I have trouble remembering things. I forget words, forget what I was doing, and forget why I was doing it. I lose chunks of time occasionally, too. I'm certain that my lack of sleep is contributing, but I find it hard to believe that it is solely responsible. My anxiety levels are sky high and I'm struggling again with body image. It's probably been close to two years since it was this intense. I can't keep focused on writing this, despite the list of things that I'd like to add. Ugh. Apologies.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

i know.

i know damn good and well what I should do, but I just don't think it's what I want to do. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Basically unreachable except for at work starting tomorrow. Isolation and insomnia. This should be downright cheerful. 




Sunday, September 13, 2009

P.C.

I've decided that I need to make some serious, positive changes in my life. For starters, last night I gathered every thing i've used and could use and procured with the intention to use to SI and walked to a dumpster several blocks away to throw it all away. Tonight, i'll pack up the bandages and things like that because I find those triggering as well. I'm building plans and putting systems into place to account for and handle any situation that I know of that triggers me. My fever has spiked again and it's really wiping my energy. I want to write more and throughly about this, but now isn't the right time.

But first, I need to calm and center myself.

I'm trying to find ways to soothe myself today. There's some hefty things i'd like to address and have already begun to a bit, but I want it to be thorough and complex. I'm thinking maybe a bath later and some meditation. Maybe some yoga. Hopefully this my body will benefit and this sickness can be assisted in its departure. Expect art and writing today. I'm embracing how alone I feel. I need to get myself to a better path.

9.12.09

I'm kicking around the formations of a little plan here. Good things are brewing.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I've really let what happened tonight (see previous post) get into my head. I hate that. By the time I had reached the main road I had already decided which shirts I could wear to softball games under the red shirt. I made a mental note to add my makeup to my bag and to make sure my jackets and sweaters were either clean or about to be clean. And what effect does all of that have? Circular. Yes, it makes me feel like I need the very things that have cause the evidence got me into this tangle tonight. With any luck it's just a blip on the other person's mental radar -- a small notation made about me in their mental file. For me, is caused this rapidly spreading virus of paranoia, self doubt, self hate, and anger. It's linked up with my other current worries (i need a stronger word), hormones, and mental disarray to effectively trap me.

The other stuff? Oh ... nothing major, just that my plan to enable me to continue to commute to work has fallen through and i have no idea if I'll be able to come up with something else. Freaking out? Not me. Just worried that since I haven't been really totally open with anyone that it's my fault that i feel so damn unsupported by my friends and family. You have to let people know that you need them, right? I don't know. Unsolicited and unappreciated harsh comments about the choices i have made do not, in any way, shape, or form, make me want to lean on you. And, btw, it makes me a lot less sympathetic when you need or want an ear. What does it take for people to realize that sometimes, I need you to keep your opinions to yourself and just be supportive of me. You can say "i told you so" later. You can even say that you think something's a bad idea or not the best, but do me the favor of pretending to understand tact and at least throw in something like "but i can see that you don't agree" ... or something ... please people. I've spent so much time crying today, which has been sort of absent from my life the past week so I'm freaked out a bit. I know it's normal and healthy but i sometimes really hate crying. I found my rough draft of my article that was published my senior year. Wish i would've pursued that a bit harder. I have some really intense concerns about going for a visit. Stupid concerns and i know that they're stupid which makes me feel even worse for even thinking them, but I've been trying to dimiss them and they won't go away and I just feel so damn insecure for letting them float in my mind but i don't know what to do about them. I haven't bought a diet coke from cvs because for the past year and a half, i haven't bought one without buying a coke and probably a crunch bar too. Sometimes i want to strangle my sentimental side. I want my mom to come up so badly, but man i don't want my mom to come up. Which probably makes no sense like most of me lately. I feel sick from crying so hard. I wish every red civic, white avalon, and black quadcab dakota could just get off of the roads and away from me while i'm feeling homesick. It's so ridiculous but i get this "oh hey! there's dad!" feeling when i see trucks like his and when i'm homesick it feels like a punch in the gut when nanoseconds later, reality hits. I washed all of my jeans again because I washed them in the first place because they were getting baggy and i thought it was because they were dirty. This doesn't fit with what i feel. I'm confused and upset and SO DAMN TIRED. This isn't the kind of tired that brings sleep though. No, this is the kind of tired that comes from too many thoughts that you can't address, too many ideas you can't wrangle, random ups and downs, and trying so hard to control impulses. It's the kind of tired that comes from jumping at every fleeting thing in your peripheral vision, from checking and rechecking to try to quell some paranoia but knowing that your brain will just work around the logic that tries so hard to negate it. It's the kind of tired that comes from knowing that other people don't feel this way and act this way and trying continually to not let it break the surface. It's the kind of tired that comes from trying not to feel bad for having an okay day when your favorite person is so far away ... that comes from trying not to feel bad about not wanting the cat that uses your personal things as their toilet ... that comes from trying really really hard to be optomistic about your own potential, from trying not to feel like a failure in comparison to your younger brother, from trying not to count and deny every calorie, from trying not to lose focus at work and trying to recheck every figure because you're afraid the next mistake will surely be your last. Most importantly, though, it's the kind of tired that comes from doing all of this simultaneously and still breathing and functioning and caring for pets and getting out of bed and calling grandma on her birthday and not caving in.

I'm done rambling for now. I think.
I think it's time for some meditation and doodling.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

violated

It's a lame and cheap move to fake like you're going to shake my hand, hold my wrist, and flip over my arm to ask me about it.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

heavy.


So much for feeling like i had lost some weight. That didn't last long.
Wishing I still looked like this:

Sunday, August 30, 2009

You're my safe harbor. I hope i'm something close to that for you.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

ready for sleep

I've been having a rocky time the past couple days, for what might
seem like a very strange reason. I've been in a very good mood a lot
of the time. The reason that this is a problem is that the ups of
these moods are way too up. These good moods have been coming at a
time when I'm confused to feel that way. I'm hardly sleeping and have
been struggling with some intense things, but I still feel decent
overall, energetic, almost frantically inspired, and overwhelmed by
all of my ideas. I sorta feel like my brain's going haywire. My
thoughts are all occupied with food, stress, work, longing, and
absence but I weirdly want to do fun things without regard for
practicality or smile and I want to play and not be serious. This
disparity bouncing around in my synapses is tiring. I'm worried about
it. Concerned that it means that they're right. Conscious that its'
possibly leading somewhere that I might not want to go. I'm exhausted
and it's showing in the way that i behave and react and even think. I
didn't have any yeast last night so I couldn't make the bagels. Now
I'm obsessively thinking about bagels and sandwiches on bagels and a
fried egg with a bagel. Which is stupid because even if i was able to
make and eat the bagels, I wouldn't enjoy eating it. I've been craving
a cheeseburger and fries like nobody's business, but haven't been able
to spare the cash to get it, thankfully. I say thankfully because I
know i'd regret it and be as (or probably more) upset with myself than
I am right now. Currently I'm upset with myself for eating lunch.
Seems stupid, but i am.

i tried to do this more than once this week and once last week. it's
just not happening.
fml

whoops

nope, no yeast.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

food

Hoping to try making bagels from scratch tonight. Gotta do something.
Also maybe my own pasta.
Thank goodness for my supply of flour and baking essentials.
Not sure i have yeast, though. hmmmm

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Good mood.

Despite my very strong suspicions that this current run of good feelings is soon to be toppled by some down-slide into negativity, I thought i'd try to embrace it.

In spite of their distance to me, I am very thankful for the people in my life. I was told the other day, that when I speak about my FH i glow. That's a pretty powerful thing and not something you can fake. I have a small group of VERY close friends and even though they're now scattered around, I still care about them just as much. Most of them easily jump right back into conversations like no time had passed at all. It's that safe sort of comfort that only comes with really good friends.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

building up

I'm holding some stuff in and keeping some things to myself and I
think it's starting to effect my personality. :(

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Stop.

Really overwhelmed.
Steps to take:
1. Stop
2. Breathe.
3. Close door.
4. Turn off all unnecessary windows & programs.
5. Handwrite 3 to-do lists: complete immediately, complete before
leaving work, complete before EOD
6. Get water.
7. Take anxiety medication.
8. Keep breathing.
9. Return to working, proceed down the list.
Repeat as necessary to stay calm and finish work today.

Monday, August 17, 2009

map

Seems that everyone wants to know my plan for staying busy or safe or
occupied. Right now, avoidance. I have my list of things to do. Things
I want to do. The downside is that those are things I want to share.
But I'm the type of person who wants to share everything so maybe
that's pointless to even say. I'm not as bad off as I thought I'd be.
I lingered in the airport to cry a bit because I figured people were
used to seeing that there. Made it to work only a little late. My
chest hurts, but I expected that. Later I'll look for positives, but
right now, I'm okay where I am about this emotionally.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I don't like secrets.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

i know it

I know the feelings. I know the thoughts. 
I know exactly what I should do about them. I know what tends to happen if I don't. And what happens as a result of those happenings. 
And somehow I'm just not sure what I will do. 
But i know that I'm tired in all the wrong (right?) ways and I know that I feel like I can't give it up. 

Monday, August 3, 2009

I want this

I want this.
And I want it with him.
Why do I keep getting in my own way?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

n2thabyss

I find myself in a very dark place lately; my relationships with everyone and everything are suffering and I need help to get out.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

mental fog

I'm having a really, really off day today.


And by off, I mean that I feel like crying and running screaming out
of the office building is probably the best option.

Friday, July 10, 2009

i can't get anything accomplished today. If one more person bites my
head off, I might just lose it. Still no hot water. No car. No
answers. It feels like no one wants to help, no matter how or why I
ask. I just wanted to pick up my meds before i got on the bus to go
home :(

Thursday, July 2, 2009

trying

I am trying very hard to not regret every bite of food that goes into
my body.
I am trying very very hard not to freak out about money.

I don't think all of my trying is getting me very far.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It's getting more and more difficult for me not to get sad about it.

antsy

I can't focus, but I can't relax.
I'm finding it impossible to concentrate even after clearing my desk
and creating a detailed to-do list.
I can't sit still, but my whole body is tired so moving around seems
like a huge effort.
I complain too much.

rough shape

so rough, in fact, that not being able to schedule a haircut until
tuesday of next week has me crying.
I need to go home.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Amazing cuteness:

In case you were wondering what would look beautiful on you and make people around you smile: 

Friday, June 26, 2009

Priorities? Wha?!?! Where?!?!!

At leas G8 made it to the top 10. It wasn't even on there a little bit
ago.

Something to think about ... Straight Privilege

http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~hyrax/personal/files/student_res/straightprivilege.htm


I feel like that list is missing a few key items, but there are some
really well-articulated points and some that I know I would've missed.
It's worth the time to glance through the list and think about your
own privilege, be it race, sexuality, socioeconomic, etc.

Friday, June 19, 2009

"don't forget to let your life rot you inside out ...." ALK3

Feeling the clarity (or delusion) of a break (withdraw) from meds.

Friday, June 12, 2009

hodgepodge

There's alot going on and I'm not sure I'm handling it well.


One entry started last week, but never completed:
Let's start with a few simple statements to attempt to keep me on track as I try to write this throughout the day:
1. I'm missing my androgyny. And I'm not sure why.
2. I feel like I need to fight to prove my queer identity -- to whom, I'm not sure. If i'm trying to prove it to me, what does that mean?
3. I'm nervous about moving and all that it entails.
4. Loving the increased income from Etsy, but terrified it's going to stop and also wishing I could spend some of it on new materials like Artclay or MPC3 and the appropriate firing tools.
5. Not really feeling the job security lately. Revised: know i have a few months at least.
6. Agreement.
7. Ahhhh - the return of NIN, APC, Tool, White Zombie, Rob Zombie and the like to my life. =)
8. My meds are making me sick like whoa.
9. I stopped traffic a few days ago. With my hand on the steering wheel sitting still at a red light.
11. New Orleans & Back in 24hrs. I took photos, but they're stuck on my phone. Hostel was beautiful, there's something beautiful in the decay of that city ... A - you'd like it.
12. It's become a need in my life NOT to have a roommate. I can live with my fiance, but NOT with our current roommate. And it's making me feel like I don't want to have a roommate at all anymore. Unless it's someone i know and we know and we know we can live with. ... maybe.
13. Phone situation, so everyone knows - call the house or work, not the cell. Email, fb, or IM.


Another, started yesterday:
I just don’t know how to manage my time lately to fit everything in.

These things HAVE to be done:
  • Work -- 8:45 – 5:30 technically, realistically up 7:30am – 7pm out at the latest
  • Cook – 3 days a week solo, 1 together
  • Eat – dinner takes about an hour to eat, sometimes 2 if we watch a movie with it
  • Etsy – I have custom order that have time limits, they require time right now
  • Searching – at least an hour, preferably more. I’ve been doing this at 6am because it’s easier for me to focus then, but I’m not sure it’s the best for me overall
  • Sleeping – I need at least 4 hours, preferably more
  • Down time – I need at least a few minutes to work on a project for me, or just to sit and stare, or to check google reader, or to talk with friends online
  • Together time – A big, big need for me especially with the stress that we’re both under right now. Cuddling, talking, playing, wii, movies, tv … something.

I’m not really willing to compromise on those. The Etsy stuff can be less than everyday, I think, but not always. I’m starting to get large orders that need time put into them and they all have deadlines that always approach faster than expected.


Needless to stay I get started and then ......
oh wait now it's like 8 hours later and i haven't even finished that sentence. uuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I need an attitude/perspective shift ...












... so here's somethings that make me happy or at least lighten my mood a bit.
Feeling really discouraged and isolated. I think this office
environment induces it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

From TWLOHA Blog

You can read the whole thing here:
http://www.twloha.com/blog/postsecret-in-response-1/

From the TWLOHA Blog:
We'll leave it with this...
If you struggle with self-injury, you are not "a cutter". You are a person. You are not only your pain. You are not only wounds and scars. You are also better things. You are possibility and promise, hope and healing, daydreams, favorite books and favorite songs. You are the people that you love and the people who love you. You are hope and change and things worth fighting for. This is all your story and your story isn't over.


______________________
I know some of you need this too, right now. 

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I feel like my life's not my own. I am a sad, empty shell meandering though voids and taking flight into anger and violence. I need too much to ever be satisfied. I need to stop trying to be satisfied. I don't want to feel anything. I'd rather just be void of emotion than continue like this. I am waste.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

slip n slide

oh how little it takes to slide so very far



Bitch fest in the hallway. Pretty usual, but today ... AAAAAAACKkkkk!!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

SALE!!!!!

I'm having a sale in my Etsy shop: courticus.etsy.com - a little spring cleaning to make room for new inventory! And guess what?!?! You get to benefit. Check out reduced prices on nearly everything. Earring and bowls are especially reduced! I know times are tough, but everyone deserves handmade jewelry and I think these prices make it affordable!




Monday, May 18, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

ebb and flow

"Gift From The Sea"
by Anne Morrow Lindbergh (b.1906)

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I don't know what to do or how to do it.

My twitch has moved from my eyebrow and is now the entire right side
of my face.

I know what i want, but am I just being stubborn?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Meme from Facebook.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
Armpits or hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
blue

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
yes!

4. Do you plan outfits?
rarely

5.How are you feeling RIGHT NOW?
not so hot. actually very cold.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red?
Part of my business card ... the chair, the folders, the tabs, the
markers, the writing on the calendar, the notepads ...

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
the first, except when people don't get it

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Nightmare is more like it: Oscar got in wreck in front of my office
after he dropped me off early. It was horrifically detailed and
frightening and i woke up sweaty and gross and panicked.

9. Did you meet anybody new today?
No ... well the guy who lived at the house we visited today, but other
than the fact that he plays a reed instrument I didn't really know him

10. What are you craving right now?
anxiety medication and things i'd rather not talk about here, lol

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
my mom's funky salad

13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
about an hour ago

14. Are you emotional?
Nauseatingly so.

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
uhhh ... i'll pass, thanks.

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
No, I don't like numbers unless they're odd and not in patterns.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
But it, but i wish i had the self control to make it last longer.

18. Do you like your hair?
Not really right now. It's too light, too short or too long. And
greying :(

19. Do you like yourself?
ha

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
not that i can think of ... which i guess is a resounding no

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
yes

22. What are you listening to right now?
some old school disturbed and stabbing westward

23. How many countries have you visited?
5

24. Are your parents strict?
no

25. Would you go sky diving?
In a heartbeat.

26. Would you go out to eat with George w Bush?
For novelty's sake, yes.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
Would we discuss anything? (it would depend)

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Does a glass of water count?

29. Have you ever been in a castle?
Cinderella's

30. Do you rent movies often?
Redbox, yes

31. Who sits in the seat behind you class?
haha ... haven't been to a class in years .... which when i think
about it, is scary

32. Have you made a prank phone call?
Yes

33. Do you own a gun?
A water gun.

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
Yes, but i'd like to avoid it.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Probably Oscar and our animals.

36. Brown or white eggs?
I don't have a preference.

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Yes.

38. Ever been on a train?
Yes. Even slept on one overnight. Or was supposed to sleep, but didn't
really.

39. Like the person you're dating?
Yes, or dating would suck.

40. Do you have a cell-phone?
mhmmm

41. Are you too forgiving?
I'm not sure

42. Do you use chapstick?
Homemade olive oil and honey lip balm

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
I'm not sure

44. Can you use chop sticks?
Yea

45. Ever have cream puffs?
Once or twice

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yep, more than once

47. What was the last question you asked?
What am I supposed to do with that information?

48. What was the last CD you bought?
uhhhhhh? It's been awhile.

49. Boys or girls?
"Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like theyre girls
Who do girls like theyre boys" .... but only if you force me to choose

50. What is your bus number for school?
lol the last one i can remember was 1933

51. Is your hair curly?
occasionally

52. Last time you cried?
Less than 2 hours ago

53. Ever walked into a wall?
Yes

54. Do looks matter?
Sadly, yes.

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
Unfortunately.

57. Favorite time of the year?
june

58. Favorite color?
indigo

59. Are you sarcastic?
fortunately

60. Do you have any tattoos?
yeah & want more

61. The last person you held hands with?
Oz .... unless you count Odysseus

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Ugh, no.

63. Where was your profile picture taken at?
My desk

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
probably

65. Do you like your life right now?
I hate questions like this.

66. How often do you talk on the phone?
maybe 3 times a day .... working sort of mandates that

67. What is your favorite animal?
mouse maybe

68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
pepsi max, but I almost went back and returned it after hearing the
most absurdly sexist and stupid commercial on the radio

69. Do you have good vision?
No. My astigmatism is the worst part of it though.

70. Can you hula hoop?
Yeah, but it's kinda silly.

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
yea

72. Do you have a job?
yea

73. Can you handle the truth?
yea

74. What are you wearing?
too small jeans and a top that makes me look pregnant (not in a
flattering way)

75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
yeah.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Sleep

Sleep has been an elusive, tricky beast around the house this week.
I'm not getting quality sleep. He's barely getting any sleep. It's
catching up with me. It's mixing with the stress of everything else
and it's catching up with me today.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

zzzzzzz.......

I could certainly use some sleep. And maybe some ice for my hand.

Monday, April 27, 2009

ugh

I felt so sick in the shower this morning that I seriously considered
just returning to bed and letting my monday start later in the day.
I'm currently glad that I didn't because I have 19 folders on my desk
and throughout my office that need my attention. Some are even so kind
as to label themselves "HOT!!!". My headache might burst through my
skull, but work won't build up. Priorities, I suppose.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

4.23.09

I'm worried about you.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Clothes ... most of mine are starting to look not-so-nice anymore. And
it's really not doing much for my self esteem. Things are getting
holes or stains or hems are falling out. Holes and hems, I can
sometimes fix, but stains aren't really as easy and even holes can
look ratty once repaired. It's super embarrassing that these jeans I
love so dearly are wearing thin where my body rubs together. Yuck.

I'm going through withdrawal from my meds and it's really got me on
edge. If anyone could spare some extra patience, self-love, or
enthusiasm I know a few people who could use it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

holding out

It's 2 minutes after 11 and I'm already trying to avoid looking at the
clock so I don't go completely batty trying to hold out for lunch. I'm
not hungry, I just need a break. I think I'll go home. Crawl into bed
for 15 mins or so ... that's all I can spare, really if I drive home
for lunch. Yet another reason to move. I have an awful headache and my
eyes are burning. :(
The dog's eye was swollen shut when I first woke up this morning :( I
hope it's nothing serious ... he was picking on the cats last night,
maybe they scratched him?


I really don't feel better this morning. I was supposed to.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

"would i be read if I was see through or would you just read my spine?"

I feel like my eyes have glazed over and my brain has fogged over from
doing the same, mundane thing all day. Even the sugar from the it's-
your-birthday-but-not-really-yet cupcakes hasn't done much for my
alertness. I even paired it with coffee. :( I'm restless at night. And
feeling the heavy, creeping weight of depression sinking in over my
body today. I'm trying to fight it off. I'm reaching out. I'm
breathing. I'm stretching. I'm doodling. I'm writing. I'm starting to
think that people that matter to me think I like it this way. I'm
afraid they think I don't fight, don't try to be different. I gotta
say, it hurts. Lately I find myself thinking about things that
shouldn't be surfacing again, but they are. I'm not sure what to do
with them. I'm very thankful that between the stuff I picked up two
days ago, the stuff I got on Monday, and the other thing I got this
morning, I seem to have managed two horrible girly-part problems
without the doctor. Granted, one night was spent awake, on the toilet
and in the shower, crying and considering going to urgent care, but
they're handled now. IDK if you read this babe, but I thought of a
fairly easy way to make what you were talking about last night happen
and soon too. (vague - check, odd - check, sorry - not so much ....
ha! ... okay i'm really lame.) It's still weird sometimes. That some
certain people are missing on birthdays. 18 - 22 saw so much of the
same crowd. It's time to let go, though, and make new memories! Right?
Don't get me wrong, I love new friends. But it hasn't really been that
long since those older friends were my only friends. So I'm not going
to be too hard on myself for missing them sometimes. Missing the
comfort of routine and familiarity. Blah. Today feels rather ... blah-
esq. I'm so glad I have a four day weekend. I neeeed a break. And I
need to stop bitching here.


I love your body, even if you don't.