drown

Everything is going wrong today and i don't know how to keep myself
afloat.

a version of happy?

Everyone is working towards their version of happy.
Do you know what happens when people get their happy sorted out? They
stop talking to /hanging out with/wanting to be around me. No one
wants to be around someone who "can't be happy".

All I want to do is spare everyone from dealing with myself.

I don't feel like I'm worth enough to ask anyone to be supportive
anymore. It's not within what I feel like I'm entitled to.

???

What am I supposed to do? Just pretend I don't see it, don't know?
I'm not oblivious. And I hope to hell you remember...

9.23.09

not too happy with myself and my choices today :(
Just needed to put that down in writing before I left the internet for
the day.

"take it or leave it, I won't let go..."

One of the most frustrating parts about not having internet at home is
figuring something out and not having access to a blog. It's lame, but
I've had them as an online record/play place/scratch pad for my
thoughts since I was 14. For now, it'll be paintings, word docs, and
crappy handwriting. Looks like it might be even longer than originally
expected with the internet problems.
getting out of debt fail
communication fail
general fail
self fail

I think I figured out what's been causing a lot of my feelings and
actions about a current situation. It's hurtful, rude, and
embarrassing ... the situation and the most-likely-true theory. I'm
not sure how to handle it besides addressing it and I don't feel like
its up for being addressed.
Concerned :(

Still ridiculously upset and sensitive about it. :(
Just keep breathing.

Why does something so stupid have me so upset?!?! I know it's what I said I wanted and I know it's what I deserve, but ... damn it!


It's actually not stupid. It's a really big deal to me and I haven't talked with anyone about it ... haven't addressed it where it needs to be addressed. I keep saying it's stupid and not a big deal to try to minimize how much it's affecting me. Obviously, that's working really well. About as well as sarcasm works as a defense mechanism for me these days.

"can't say you didn't mean it can't say you didn't try..."

I need to relax. I need to chill out. I need to breathe and not let this escalate any further. I'm crying about every 20 minutes for seemingly nothing. I'm being incredibly impatient and snappy with Odysseus. The tension in my chest is becoming a physical pain. I know I'm exhausted. I know it's been at least 2 weeks, but possibly more since I've slept more than 4 hours a night. I jump at every sound. I fell asleep earlier for about 4 minutes and woke up so confused and disoriented. I thought I was in jacksonville. What the heck is going on with me?

Blindsided.

Ran errands this morning and was even feeling pretty good, despite my wicked sore throat. Struggled with not being able to buy what i wanted (hair product, chocolate ... ) and despite that, was still feeling decently motivated and positive. But then I got back here and I don't even know what happened but it's like I got struck on the back of the head. Completely blindsided by a wave of depression. I think as soon as this potential roommate comes by, I'll try to nap or maybe try to figure out a way to finish the two paintings i've been working on. I know I should be using the good light and nice fresh air to get product photos done and then list them tonight, but right now I just want to be in a dark room, wrapped in blankets, crying by myself.

Thank you, dear universe ...

Thank you, great big universe for letting a few things go well today. I needed it more than most will ever know. Highlights: rainbow/tie-dyed cupcakes, a phone call with a time/date, postcard :D, craft blog views higher than ever before, work problem solved without going to accounting and begging for forgiveness and mercy ...

Whew.
I was worried.
Thanks again,
me.

"i'm not through the night ..."

Had a really, really rough day today. More mistakes that I've made at work keep surfacing. It seems like I went through a period of time where I fucked everything up and it's now returning to bite me in the ass. I thought I had made it out the other side, but no. Actually, I thought all of the mistakes were centered around a specific time period, but today's doesn't fit that pattern as closely and that took every bit of hope, confidence, and determination out of me. I bottomed out and crashed hard. My adrenaline spiked into a rage and the usual tears and then left me so low that I literally was nodding off at my desk. I'm so worried that I'll lose my job. Serious dread. Which was already a large part of my workday, but is now all encompassing. I feel trapped at work. Trapped by what people know about me, trapped by my past, trapped by this town, trapped in my own head. It's getting worse ... how isolated I feel. I don't know how to describe the mental cloudiness that i'm experiencing every day. It makes it hard to think and concentrate. I have trouble remembering things. I forget words, forget what I was doing, and forget why I was doing it. I lose chunks of time occasionally, too. I'm certain that my lack of sleep is contributing, but I find it hard to believe that it is solely responsible. My anxiety levels are sky high and I'm struggling again with body image. It's probably been close to two years since it was this intense. I can't keep focused on writing this, despite the list of things that I'd like to add. Ugh. Apologies.

i know.

i know damn good and well what I should do, but I just don't think it's what I want to do. 

Basically unreachable except for at work starting tomorrow. Isolation and insomnia. This should be downright cheerful. 

P.C.

I've decided that I need to make some serious, positive changes in my life. For starters, last night I gathered every thing i've used and could use and procured with the intention to use to SI and walked to a dumpster several blocks away to throw it all away. Tonight, i'll pack up the bandages and things like that because I find those triggering as well. I'm building plans and putting systems into place to account for and handle any situation that I know of that triggers me. My fever has spiked again and it's really wiping my energy. I want to write more and throughly about this, but now isn't the right time.

But first, I need to calm and center myself.

I'm trying to find ways to soothe myself today. There's some hefty things i'd like to address and have already begun to a bit, but I want it to be thorough and complex. I'm thinking maybe a bath later and some meditation. Maybe some yoga. Hopefully this my body will benefit and this sickness can be assisted in its departure. Expect art and writing today. I'm embracing how alone I feel. I need to get myself to a better path.

9.12.09

I'm kicking around the formations of a little plan here. Good things are brewing.

I've really let what happened tonight (see previous post) get into my head. I hate that. By the time I had reached the main road I had already decided which shirts I could wear to softball games under the red shirt. I made a mental note to add my makeup to my bag and to make sure my jackets and sweaters were either clean or about to be clean. And what effect does all of that have? Circular. Yes, it makes me feel like I need the very things that have cause the evidence got me into this tangle tonight. With any luck it's just a blip on the other person's mental radar -- a small notation made about me in their mental file. For me, is caused this rapidly spreading virus of paranoia, self doubt, self hate, and anger. It's linked up with my other current worries (i need a stronger word), hormones, and mental disarray to effectively trap me.

The other stuff? Oh ... nothing major, just that my plan to enable me to continue to commute to work has fallen through and i have no idea if I'll be able to come up with something else. Freaking out? Not me. Just worried that since I haven't been really totally open with anyone that it's my fault that i feel so damn unsupported by my friends and family. You have to let people know that you need them, right? I don't know. Unsolicited and unappreciated harsh comments about the choices i have made do not, in any way, shape, or form, make me want to lean on you. And, btw, it makes me a lot less sympathetic when you need or want an ear. What does it take for people to realize that sometimes, I need you to keep your opinions to yourself and just be supportive of me. You can say "i told you so" later. You can even say that you think something's a bad idea or not the best, but do me the favor of pretending to understand tact and at least throw in something like "but i can see that you don't agree" ... or something ... please people. I've spent so much time crying today, which has been sort of absent from my life the past week so I'm freaked out a bit. I know it's normal and healthy but i sometimes really hate crying. I found my rough draft of my article that was published my senior year. Wish i would've pursued that a bit harder. I have some really intense concerns about going for a visit. Stupid concerns and i know that they're stupid which makes me feel even worse for even thinking them, but I've been trying to dimiss them and they won't go away and I just feel so damn insecure for letting them float in my mind but i don't know what to do about them. I haven't bought a diet coke from cvs because for the past year and a half, i haven't bought one without buying a coke and probably a crunch bar too. Sometimes i want to strangle my sentimental side. I want my mom to come up so badly, but man i don't want my mom to come up. Which probably makes no sense like most of me lately. I feel sick from crying so hard. I wish every red civic, white avalon, and black quadcab dakota could just get off of the roads and away from me while i'm feeling homesick. It's so ridiculous but i get this "oh hey! there's dad!" feeling when i see trucks like his and when i'm homesick it feels like a punch in the gut when nanoseconds later, reality hits. I washed all of my jeans again because I washed them in the first place because they were getting baggy and i thought it was because they were dirty. This doesn't fit with what i feel. I'm confused and upset and SO DAMN TIRED. This isn't the kind of tired that brings sleep though. No, this is the kind of tired that comes from too many thoughts that you can't address, too many ideas you can't wrangle, random ups and downs, and trying so hard to control impulses. It's the kind of tired that comes from jumping at every fleeting thing in your peripheral vision, from checking and rechecking to try to quell some paranoia but knowing that your brain will just work around the logic that tries so hard to negate it. It's the kind of tired that comes from knowing that other people don't feel this way and act this way and trying continually to not let it break the surface. It's the kind of tired that comes from trying not to feel bad for having an okay day when your favorite person is so far away ... that comes from trying not to feel bad about not wanting the cat that uses your personal things as their toilet ... that comes from trying really really hard to be optomistic about your own potential, from trying not to feel like a failure in comparison to your younger brother, from trying not to count and deny every calorie, from trying not to lose focus at work and trying to recheck every figure because you're afraid the next mistake will surely be your last. Most importantly, though, it's the kind of tired that comes from doing all of this simultaneously and still breathing and functioning and caring for pets and getting out of bed and calling grandma on her birthday and not caving in.

I'm done rambling for now. I think.
I think it's time for some meditation and doodling.

violated

It's a lame and cheap move to fake like you're going to shake my hand, hold my wrist, and flip over my arm to ask me about it.

heavy.

So much for feeling like i had lost some weight. That didn't last long.
Wishing I still looked like this: