Monday, October 12, 2009

I'm struggling and I need to be honest about it.

Fear and fear-like anxieties are a big percentage of what I feel every day. I have read enough to understand the basics of the evolutionary benefits of fear and anxieties. However, mine now interrupt and steer parts of my life. When I try to think of them from other people's perspectives, I can recognize that some of them seem fairly absurd. It's hard for me to see where they come from often, because the immediate fear isn't what triggers the fear in me but rather what the realization of that fear would mean to myself and others. (I'm not sure that makes much sense) One of the biggest fears that I'm dealing with currently ... okay it's huge and it has been messing with my head for awhile and I'm not sure what to do with it ... I'm TERRIFIED that people will know that I have gained weight and think that I'm fat. I don't understand it because I don't see anything inherently wrong with being overweight and I don't consciously associate it with negative consequences for anyone else. For myself, it's a different deal. I have baskets upon buckets upon cases of things that I think about myself if/when I put myself or think that someone else is putting me into that box. I'm close to being physically ill when I think about the possibility that I could get off of that plane and he could see me and think that. Eventhough i know it wouldn't matter to him and the way he feels about me. Even though I know he wouldn't say anything if he even thought that. I feel very similarly about losing weight and hurting myself.
*** let's stop right here for a second ... anyone easily triggered? you're excused, no hard feelings. anyone squeamish? You may leave too. anyone hate to hear me drone on about anything else? Again, no ill wishes, you're excused. ..... Seriously though, if you're easily triggered, don't read this unless you're safe and yes, I'm putting that here for myself***
I have trouble when it comes to both topics finding the point of "enough". It's rarely, if ever deep enough, enough blood, enough pain, enough hurt, enough pounds, enough inches, few enough calories ... Maybe it's related to not being good at being satisfied, maybe it's just not getting fulfilled by the methods that you're trying. I don't know but i do know it's dangerous. I ... i'm getting super insecure even writing about this ... I often feel the same way about my scars. I feel disappointed about some scars on my body because they're not enough. They don't show clearly enough or show enough of the drama/trauma that got them there.

Writing this got interrupted for an hour or so. It needed to happen, but I've lost my momentum.
The short of it: I'm worried and I don't feel like I'm as open about my concerns about myself as I could be.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is a lot to share and I appreciate you for being honest about it and really examining what you're feeling and going thru. I'm not going to blow a bunch of sunshine up your butt (who needs that), give ideas for ways to get better (you're smart.. if it was an easy fix, you would've done it by now), or anything like that. I love you.

I started to feel that way about my cutting for awhile.. that it was never enough, never hurt enough, wasn't deep enough. It scared me so badly that I had to stop, because I started to wonder if I was going to permanently injure myself. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt myself to the point where later I would be angry at myself for "ruining" my life in some way. I don't know.

I've never felt thin enough. Even a few years ago when I was wearing the same size clothes as Haley.. I still wanted to lose more weight. Went to the gym today for the first time in awhile.. hoping it will make me feel better. I've yet to ever work out too hard and I'd be interested what my limits are.

Anyways.. some honesty from me and appreciation for yours. I wish I had the courage to blog honestly and openly like you do. Thanks ~E