Thursday, August 27, 2009

ready for sleep

I've been having a rocky time the past couple days, for what might
seem like a very strange reason. I've been in a very good mood a lot
of the time. The reason that this is a problem is that the ups of
these moods are way too up. These good moods have been coming at a
time when I'm confused to feel that way. I'm hardly sleeping and have
been struggling with some intense things, but I still feel decent
overall, energetic, almost frantically inspired, and overwhelmed by
all of my ideas. I sorta feel like my brain's going haywire. My
thoughts are all occupied with food, stress, work, longing, and
absence but I weirdly want to do fun things without regard for
practicality or smile and I want to play and not be serious. This
disparity bouncing around in my synapses is tiring. I'm worried about
it. Concerned that it means that they're right. Conscious that its'
possibly leading somewhere that I might not want to go. I'm exhausted
and it's showing in the way that i behave and react and even think. I
didn't have any yeast last night so I couldn't make the bagels. Now
I'm obsessively thinking about bagels and sandwiches on bagels and a
fried egg with a bagel. Which is stupid because even if i was able to
make and eat the bagels, I wouldn't enjoy eating it. I've been craving
a cheeseburger and fries like nobody's business, but haven't been able
to spare the cash to get it, thankfully. I say thankfully because I
know i'd regret it and be as (or probably more) upset with myself than
I am right now. Currently I'm upset with myself for eating lunch.
Seems stupid, but i am.

i tried to do this more than once this week and once last week. it's
just not happening.

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