Sunday, November 8, 2009

sick cycle carousel

I'm not looking forward to anything and it's becoming this crushing reality that's sitting heavy on my chest. Everything's too up in the air and too indefinite. I thought i woke up okay today ... less depressed and less fatalistic, but after a little while it hit me out of no where. I'm avoiding a bunch of things lately. Part of that is out of safety concerns, but part of it is fear and insecurity. I'm avoiding mirrors and being alone and telling my roommate how obnoxious she is and avoiding talking to her about how she's overstepping bounds with the animals (who brings someone else's OUTDOOR cat inside!?!?!). I'm avoiding dealing with my dad because I know i'm not on steady enough ground to not let it blow up. I'm avoiding spending time alone because I don't feel like I'm level enough to deal with the mess that surfaces. I'm avoiding sewing projects because I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm avoiding self injury, but I think that's okay for a little while. I avoid showering sometimes because I don't want to see myself withotu clothes. I'm avoiding songs and memories and wishing and hoping. I've worked myself into this horrible little cycle. What do I do? I cry a lot. I stare into space. I forget things. I fall apart. I complain and I whine. I'm sorry.
Maybe there's some really integral piece of the puzzle that I'm missing. Maybe that's why there are so many thing that happen in relationships that I just don't get. Maybe I'm too needy or not clear enough about what i need or maybe i'm just not right in the head.
I just finished cleaning the apartment (except for the bathroom) and I was going to get dressed in clothes that are appropriate to leave the house and treat myself to a half price slush at sonic before going to the store, but I started thinking and got so upset that I've been crying for 20 minutes and feel like something ripped every ounce of life and energy out of me.

I'm in a stupid frame of mind and I don't know what to do except drink until I get tired.

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