Friday, December 4, 2009

i really will go back to that food/shopping post soon, but i need to write now to stay even and calm. I feel really lonely. But at the same time, I feel so irritable and agitated and gross that I would rather stay away from everyone than risk making anything awful or worse. For several months I've been able to at least be a little prepared for my moods and how they'll oscillate based on how my hormones are fluctuating, but this month things are all off kilter and out of sync. Even when I'm sleeping I never feel rested and it's starting to add up. My anxiety is so bad. I've had to skip going into stores and I've had to change plans to avoid feeling worse. I'm not even taking care of basic things like showering and it only bothers me because at some point, I'll notice that my hair looks dirty and messy and then I'll slide a little further down. I'm mad at myself for being so down and so negative and for crying any time I stop being completely and totally mentally engrossed in something. I want to feel better. I want to be positive. I want to be different. I got an account at work sort of by accident. It's one i've wanted to work on for awhile but it's almost overwhelming and I want it to go right and i want to handle it so badly but i'm afraid i'm going to screw up a little teenie tiny detail. And then it'll get taken away. It wouldn't be the fist that's been taken away from me. I thought about taking a sick day earlier this week to sort of get my head on straight, but all I could think about was the work that would pile up while I was gone and the possibility that i could use those later on to visit people who don't live here. I started chipping away at a little debt this month. Which felt good. It also needed to be done so they'd stop calling me at least for a bit. It's a really small payment, but it's a step in the right direction. I've managed to finish the last two pay periods in the positive and that's a huge deal compared to where we were. It's funny how, when you try not to think about something, it's everywhere. I know I know I know. I shouldn't even have anything to say about it but it's shaken me to the core. It's messed with my head and poured salt in my sugar and all of those stupid cliche phrases. But i'm too scared to bring it up. So I'll continue to sob by myself and in bathrooms at work until i can get some backbone and face it head on like a normal person. im cared of what it migh mean.

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