Monday, November 23, 2009

kind of upset

To be fair, I woke up in a crappy mood today. The dry-cleaner that i
live behind decided I should wake up several times this morning to
their banging and clanging and malodorous doings. Before I attempted
to sleep last night my computer and printer conspired their way into a
complete and utter lock down. I'm on the tail end of a period of
REALLY intense moods and shifts. No middle ground here, it's either
super happy and active or crying myself to sleep. I've been self
medicating in a variety of ways to keep an anchor to middle ground and
to function through the work day and through conference calls and
group lunches. I have to enter all my time by the end of tomorrow. I
have a stack of files that need spec sheets and estimates. I have
projects that need to be pushed forward this week to stay on schedule.
And yet, I'm sidelined by the ice being completely melted and ruining
a tasty lemonade that i really wanted to drink. I'm upset about other
things and really that's just the straw that knocked this camel out.
I've been on a serious attempt to like the way that I look even if it
means putting more time and energy into getting dressed, which has led
to me paying attention to what i wear and how it fits. Realistically,
most of my clothes are too big. Despite knowing how, I haven't put the
time and energy into the (mostly) small alterations that make my
clothes fit my body. I buy bigger shirts because I have a long torso
and very long arms attached to broad shoulders. The plan is often to
take in the body of the shirt to tailor it to a more feminine, small-
breasted form and take in the armpits so they don't start below my
breasts as is so common. Really what has happened is that 90% of my
shirts that I'm comfortable wearing don't really show my figure, they
basically just cover as much skin as possible. In a fit of manic need
for organization and breathing room (seriously, i felt like I couldn't
breathe because there were too many piles in the room.) I organized
the small pile of clothes that I wear most often into and onto the
most easily accessible shelves. I sorted them into piles: pants, tanks
and ribbed tanks, and shirts. The jackets and dress should be hung up,
but they're on a chair for now. The shirts became three piles: wear if
and only if jackets are available, would like to wear these but
probably wont, commonly worn. There were only two or three shirts in
the piles, but whatever. It's a big deal for me to fold, sort, and put
away clothes or messes of any kind. Overall, I don't wear most of the
clothes I own because most are from college or pre college years (worn
out and wrong sizes), a lot don't cover what I feel like needs to be
covered, and some are too dressy for my mostly-casual workplace. In
short, I'd love to swap them or just recycle them. I feel like I wear
the same, sloppy outfits most of the time. I have a couple cute things
I've been able to snag off of clearance racks and discount stores but
I tend to shop when i"m feeling good and positive and this usually
results in a I'll just wear short sleeves and not care attitude.
Which, in turn, means I buy short-sleeved things and then only wear
them with over-shirts or jackets and don't feel cute and get
overheated. A quick trip around that circle and it's easy for me to
decide that it's not only pointless to shop, but also pointless to try
to look cute or like the way I look. Fun, I assure you. I've been
avoiding buying new things until the old versions tear, fall apart, or
get eaten by the dog. Even that last one hasn't forced me to replace
my flip flops yet though. I've been looking for shoes but trying to
spend not so much on them. That usually results in cheap shoes that
don't last long and don't fit as well as they could. I have long,
narrow feet and it's difficult to fit them and even harder to do so
for little money. I've looked for shoes the past three weekends and
have yet to find shoes that I like the price of and that fit. I'm
heading north in about a day and a half now and I really wanted at
least one pair of casual, close-toed shoes that don't stink and
haven't been eaten by the dog. I found 4 possibilities at walmart ...
of all places ... but didn't buy them because I had plenty of other
things I wanted to buy and now I'm frustrated. When I get overwhelmed,
I tend to want to throw what's overwhelming me and everything related
to it to the side and just change focus for a bit. I would argue that
it works as a stress management tactic when you're not pressed for
time. It's good to just set things aside sometimes and say "I won't
think or stress about this right now", but it doesn't work when you
haven't done that for so long that you're down to VERY little time.
I'm stressed out and worried about my trip and consequently want to
put everything even closely related to it on hold and just go kill
some time at lunch instead of going home to pack or clean the car or
something like that. I haven't been sleeping well. I actually plan to
get some sleeping meds to help with sleeping once I get up there
because it was really difficult last time. I've grown unaccustomed to
sleeping with the sounds of someone else and I rarely sleep well in a
new place, especially one that stays really light at night. So I could
stay up late tonight to get things done and take my lunch time today
to actually relax. But it just seems like a bad idea. I had a silly
idea that I would make one final try to find shoes and a coat. What a
stupid idea that would be.

Almost an hour later I'm even more frustrated and even more stressed.
Shit. All I want to do now is overeat and then take a nap.

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