Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I dont really know what to do with myself. I started cutting a couple days ago. I ate some rice tonight and it was the first solid food i'd had in like 44 hours. I'm really intensly tired of disappointing the people around me so I couldn't even figure out how to communicate to anyone that i was feeling that bad or was getting close to that which i'm sure has how hurt me even more. I don't know whether to give up and just admit defeat and go live away from people and learn to program so i don't have any human interaction or if i should try to handle this and do something with it. I'm completely overwhelmed. I get like maybe a week each month where i can keep my head above water and it's to the point where i can't even navigate that. i've blamed it on alot of things and i'm sure situational things have contributed to it but the root of it is just me. That's what wrong with me -- i'm me. I drank 2 or 3 bottles of wine and abottle of vodka by myself last week so there's another great path i'm headed down. I recognize that I shouldn't expect people to be able to be there for me regardless of everything else. So i've stopped trying to lean on anyone too much. Eaerlier i was just putting myhead down at work to keep from passing out. I try to sleep but ti doesn't do much anymore. I'm a wreck. A big fat train wreck and I'm destroying everything in my path. I think should jump out of the way now.