Friday, September 18, 2009
"i'm not through the night ..."
Had a really, really rough day today. More mistakes that I've made at work keep surfacing. It seems like I went through a period of time where I fucked everything up and it's now returning to bite me in the ass. I thought I had made it out the other side, but no. Actually, I thought all of the mistakes were centered around a specific time period, but today's doesn't fit that pattern as closely and that took every bit of hope, confidence, and determination out of me. I bottomed out and crashed hard. My adrenaline spiked into a rage and the usual tears and then left me so low that I literally was nodding off at my desk. I'm so worried that I'll lose my job. Serious dread. Which was already a large part of my workday, but is now all encompassing. I feel trapped at work. Trapped by what people know about me, trapped by my past, trapped by this town, trapped in my own head. It's getting worse ... how isolated I feel. I don't know how to describe the mental cloudiness that i'm experiencing every day. It makes it hard to think and concentrate. I have trouble remembering things. I forget words, forget what I was doing, and forget why I was doing it. I lose chunks of time occasionally, too. I'm certain that my lack of sleep is contributing, but I find it hard to believe that it is solely responsible. My anxiety levels are sky high and I'm struggling again with body image. It's probably been close to two years since it was this intense. I can't keep focused on writing this, despite the list of things that I'd like to add. Ugh. Apologies.