12.13.09

I just fell into a hole. I don't know where it came from or where I'd be without it, but my mood, motivation, and total disposition just bottomed out. I've been taking allergy medicine this week to help with my sinus problems and it's had the fortunate side effect of basically being a sedative. I didn't get too angry or too worked up or even too anxious. I didn't melt down into tears more than three times this week at work. I was tired and quiet and withdrawn, but sometimes (especially when it comes with lessened sinus problems) it's really how I prefer to be. I wore half sleeves to the christmas party last night and even though i had so much makeup on over my scars, it was nice to not have all the extra layers of clothing. My moods are becoming more polarized and more difficult for me to predict. It's making work really tough. I took on a different account recently and i love working on it. I enjoy the client and the jobs. I get a small bit of satisfaction knowing that if she had a chance, my boss probably wouldn't have given it to me. Nothing's fucked up on it yet ... fingers crossed. Lately my desire to prove to myself that I can handle it among my other clients really has me pushing myself to work longer hours and work harder during those hours. I'm a little burnt out in all directions and I'm not really sure how to keep going. I need to bribe myself somehow or maybe just shut the fuck up and keep on pushing so I don't lose momentum and fall apart.