Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This was thoughtful until the end.

My body has very physical reactions to stress. My mouth gets canker sores. My hands and fingertips get eczema. And the back of my head and neck develop hives. The physical reactions to stress have changed and fluctuated over the years, but they have always had one predictable effect on me. They have always made me feel decidedly unsexy which is insanely frustrating when some of them are caused by that very same feeling and the things I think about and do to try to combat that. (Does that make sense at all? I had to take some tylenol PM so I can sleep tonight and to get some relief from the mouth pain.) I was already starting to stress about how to manage how I look with how I want to feel and how I want other people to see me but then i was sidelined by the pain in my mouth and the itchiness and the exhaustion. I've reached a plateau of sorts. I'll call it my take-me-as-i-am plateau. I've spent too much time changing and trying to be something and someone different so people will be attracted to me and want to sleep with me and be around me and like me. I'm fairly over it, at least for now. I'm buying the clothes I buy because I feel good in them, not because I think they demonstrate that I'm attracted to and attractive to certain people. I'm wearing what I wear because it looks good on me, not because I feel awkward and left behind. If I feel left behind and awkward it's okay to change if it's really for me. And it's okay to pay attention to fashion and trends and it's okay to intentionally ignore them and avoid them if it's realy for me. In the past 7 or so years I've gone from a size three to a size 12 and everywhere in between and back again. I think I've even done that up and down and up again in the past year. I was stressing about being perceived as sexy, but damnit right now if you don't think I'm sexy and want to sleep with me as I am then I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want to tell myself that I need to shave (although I enjoy it) or need to wear makeup (also something I sometimes enjoy) or need to do certain things and be certain ways for someone to be attracted to me, to want to stay with me, and to want to commit to me. I'm just going to be me in the best ways that I can and that's just going to be enough. Maybe I'm going to be the best me in the best ways that I can?

Gross. Just had to take a break writing to take more ticks off of the dog. Gross gross gross gross gross! He's not a fan either.

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