yuck

There's something that I'm trying to deal with but I feel really
detached and not willing or able to deal with it. I'm not going to
have much of a choice pretty soon. I'm guarded and afraid to just feel
how I feel about it, despite feeling like I had made my peace with it.
I'm just still hurt and unsure and really vulnerable. I'm apprehensive
and it's compounded by hormones and an approaching indicator. It's the
type of situation that makes me stay up all night thinking and want to
sleep all day and hope that my brain stops working. It's the type of
situation that makes me want to give up. It's not that dramatic or
heavy normally but the past couple of days I have felt the weight of
it intensely. I have some serious negativity about it, but I'm trying
really hard not to let it ruin anything else.