It's crowded in here.

My thoughts are crowding each other. It's getting thick and overpopulated in my mind.


I'm so worried about things that I used to pride myself on not caring about. (There has to be a better way to word that...) I meet the waves of insecurity with braced knees and stiff back. My back is growing sore and tired. My legs are getting weaker from the consistent barrage of personal uncertainty. There are things that I need to be doing and things that need to get taken care of within a time frame. But instead i curl up on the end of my bed and try to ignore the things that flash through my vision, attack my mind, and toy with my senses. I lie in between the messes and try to just stay still and calm. I lay there like a big, fat, self-deprecating, increasingly paranoid, blob. I'm tired. I need sleep and a good hug. I need my better half. I need my safe harbor.

It has been about a month and a half since I slept well. And probably longer than that since I slept well for a consistent amount of time. I think if I ever managed to combine sleeping well and eating well in the same day for 5 or 6 days, I'd feel like superwoman. (granted, I'd probably outweigh superman by that point, but I'd probably be more okay with it ... probably)

My plan is to finish writing this, turn out the lights and knit while I watch shows until I fall asleep. I hope sleep happens.