Tuesday, October 20, 2009

yet another negative post. sorry.

I don't want to be here.
I don't know what happened to my brain in the last hour or so, maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm sliding away from happy or even reasonably sad at such a rate that I'm scared. I feel alone, frightened, disheartened and I'm nearing incapacitated. Where did my wonderful vacation go? Where did that sense of safe, calm, and stable go? How did it go so quickly?!?!

The unexpected money problems feel like nothing compared to the fights with my parents. My dad, in particular, was downright nasty. I wouldn't even be specific with my mother about what he said but for a summary threats, insults to nearly every facet of my self and my life, and rejection from their home rank among the hardest to swallow. I'm more angry with myself for letting them into my world and for letting them and him influence what i think about what's going on around me, than anything else.

In the moment I wasn't too upset about our plans of so many things to do getting squashed, but now, 1200+ miles away, I'm afraid it wasn't what was wanted or that someone's upset about it now. I've fallen through any self-assured thoughts tonight and have landed squarely on negative, ridiculously insecure, and please-tell-me-something-that-lets-me-know-everyone-else-is-wrong.

In the mean time, I'm going to calm down, write a list of at least 5 positive things, and try to wrangle the energy for some more self-care (most likely involving food and shower).

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