Thursday, February 11, 2010

Oh boy. This is a confusing series of interconnected rambles.

I'm sitting here fiddling around with projects, halfheartedly watching a show that i was very engaged in earlier, trying to hold back tears, getting upset looking through old post and messages on facebook ... as usual, doing too many things at once. The dog is snoring behind me and I'm listening to the boy snore over skype (in a round about way reminding myself to remember OTC sleeping pills for the trip). I'm trying to avoid turning to my less than acceptable habits for some relief and comfort. I feel sick. I haven't had much of an appetite, which is strange for me because even when i was starving myself I was hungry. I haven't even wanted to cook. (See: Losing interest in things you normally enjoy. See also: Loss of appetite) I'm having trouble focusing .... which isn't really a fair description of the chaos in my brain ... it's more that I start focusing on like 9,000 things at the same time. I don't lack focus, I just focus too much. ehh still not clear. I wish i could depict it visually. Trying to come up with a way to visualize the thought patterns, frenzy, and feeling of being in my head is basically my sole motivating factor for wanting to experiment with video production. I used to do it when I was younger, but it was lo-tech and very plot focused and not as expressionistic. I think it could work I just need some time where I don't work 11 hour days and still try to do other things. I can't sleep without a larger-than-average dose of sleeping pills and i don't really want to sleep. Which is fine except that I look tired and I don't need any other reason to dislike the way I look. Even showers aren't helping to calm me. Or even settle me down a bit. They've always been my fall back for 10 years or more. Oh boy I feel old. I've had habits for more than ten years ... damn. I got upset earlier thinking about the things that i miss and the things that have changed and the loss of external sources of stability and the loss of external things that helped to provide routine, comfort and hope for me. Heady thoughts for late night, I suppose. [Side note: I haven't packed yet ... crap. ] I don't like to think about or talk about or venture toward the things I'm upset about tonight because I feel bad for feeling them and guilty and petty almost. I don't want to hear anyone's comments about them, but I also would be terrified to just hear silence. I know the things I should or could say to myself about them that should settle my concerns but they don't work anymore. To distract myself from the tears and snot I just started writing another blog post ... wtf. I won't even let myself be upset. Not okay. I'm embarrassed about the things I want and the things I feel like I need. I'm ashamed of the things that I find comforting and I feel like I need. In the past, I've said that I was afraid of other people's reactions or I just didn't want to know them, but at the heart of that is really that i'm not strong enough on my own and in my own to stand up to criticism from the people that I care about. I have progressed in that sense. I have friends (who are really like family) that respect me and love me and will disagree with me and criticize me and I hear it and take it and absorb it and listen without fear of losing their love and without fear of losing them in my life. My family ... my biological family, not as opposed to adoptive family b/c i don't have one but as opposed to friends who are as close as family ... is very judgmental. And it's not that they don't love me, it's just that their criticism and judgment is part of how they show it. If they don't judge you, it sorta means they're not paying attention to you. But they almost universally lack the skill (if they don't lack it, they at least don't utilize it) to be attentive to how they fling their criticism about. If you're sensitive to it, you're being weak and that just invites more criticism. They also don't spend a lot of time recognizing positive things. I find written/spoken praise and compliments awkward initially, but they're also hugely rewarding. Warm-you-from-the-inside-like-a-stiff-shot-of-whiskey-on-a-cold-day rewarding. Seriously, someone told me i was awesome when I got something done right away at work today and I've latched onto it. I verbally tried to brush it off and blushed even though the person saying it was on the phone (thank goodness we don't use video chat often!) but I appreciate it because it's so rare. Often, I think/thought that the lack of acknowledging positive, administering praise and even just the general niceties like looking someone in the eye and saying "thanks for taking care of this" were missing around me because I wasn't doing my job well and wasn't being a good friend and wasn't being a good daughter or cousin or granddaughter, etc but I really think that as a culture we don't do it enough. And i'm not saying that I always deserve it and I never don't deserve it, but I really do think that we've either stopped doing it or never learned to do it or just fucking don't do it. I find myself skeptical and doubting when my family and my coworkers ... mainly my department because they all remind me of my family on a regular basis ... when they do offer praise or compliments. I wonder if they're trying to be nice to me because they think i'm losing it again or if they want something else or if they want me to go away. It's not a nice frame of mind to live in. I'm back in a place where I feel guilty if I talk about myself with anyone. I don't feel like I'm worth the time and attention. So I've avoided talking with people about these things for that reason too. But I haven't been able to or i haven't wanted to stand up to criticism and the typical responses to wanting and needing the things that I want and need and have lost and miss partially because i'm pretty good at seeing many sides and angles to situations and I haven't worked my way through responding to some of them within my own head so I know that i wouldn't' be able to do it to someone else so I just avoid it which is honestly, a cop out but I feel like it's a little valid. I also am a tad bit afraid that no one will be able to come up with anything that will feel helpful and it's just sort of depressing and i'm also avoiding that reality. But i know it's the reality with some things so wtf is that. Mhmmm. I've avoided my family and some people in my life about some of it because I don't know where they stand on some things like being open to poly relationships and I don't want to know and they don't need to know that about me. I don't like to talk to people about wanting to lose 20lbs because I don't want anyone to talk to me about how they want to lose weight or tell me I'm skinny. I don't know what I want someone to say to that, but I'm not ready to hear the responses i've received in the past again. I tried talking to my family about privilege and the twinge of jealousy that i've been trying deal with about markers that relates to that but they don't get privilege because they haven't had to question it and they all have kids who don't really have to deal with it and haven't really questioned it and I don't want teach, i want to talk. It's stupid of me because these are really intelligent people and if you could find the right language to reach them about the subject it would be worth it but i only see them in blips and by the time i want to talk about it, i'm past the point of wanting to ease into it. I'm not sure if that makes sense and it's 2am again. Last night it was 4 by the time i dozed off and 5 when i woke up again. Maybe this is all just a bunch of excuses to say that I whine about wanting to talk to someone sometimes but really i'm not sure ifi could if i was given the chance. i don't know. I want to pour it all out and create something articulate to address, but maybe i don't really want that. gross. Rage and irritability are becoming problems for me again. I'm working really hard at work and I tried to back off of the self medicating this week and I did, but didn't drop it all the way because i got really freaking nuts-o for a while and couldn't handle it. It's funny how my appreciation of my relatives changes over the years. My one aunt is like the only one that i can quickly think of who does a good job of  noticing and acknowledging the positive things. She is still whoa critical of everyone too, but she notes it all. A rounded approach is totally better in my book, btw. I'm stressed out about flying and traveling and making my flight and find it obnoxious and just want to be there. Anyone finish that teleportation device yet? As far as that schedule i posted, definitely didn't finish packing tonight. Actually didn't do more than make a mental list. Crapity crapity crap. Laundry is done except for undies, but those will go in the wash tomorrow since i have my favorite pair on and really want them to be clean. They're like the ones i got when weirdly i bought undies with some friends in another state. The dog ate those and i can't remember what type they were but i think they were from walmart and i wish i could find them again. Either way, these are similar but i only have one pair of them. Dogface ate two pairs of undies  which would seem like 4 garments but isn't since we're weird about what we call our things. Oh i am so articulate at this early morning time ... yeah, nope. Still want to clean the car and the room. That way if the pooch destroys somethign while i'm gone it won't be too vital. I bought a cute vintage-style dress to wear and i'm trying different ways to style it to stay warm because i want to wear it. it's important to me to look cute the few days we do get to see each other, but i have been a florida girl my whole life and this snow has me a bit worried about how to stay warm. Although i am so excited to maybe see snow on the ground! I know it's weird. I know i'll be over it pretty fast probably, but oh well. Probably the first time i bust my ass on some ice. I wish i had some flat boots :(  I'm worried about my toes and my lack of proper circulation in my hands and feet. Oh well. Being busy at work has kept me from ticking away the hours super slowly. it's just the nights that make it more difficult. Softball is starting up. It'd be cool to have friends who came to the games. Or even to a game. But that would require being a good friend and that has been a MAJOR shortcoming on my part lately. I really really really want a new tattoo. I doodle and check out tat tumblrs and think about where and what and if i'm ready and what it would mean and what it could mean and all of this stuff. I think it might be time for just a pretty one. That's just not me though. ugh. ugh.ugh. idk. This post is crap.

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