Wednesday, February 24, 2010


When I go home tonight, I plan to spend some time taking care of
myself. I have struggled through today emotionally and I'm very
hesitant to even address those emotions. My infected eye is swollen
from brow to cheek and from nose to the edge of my eye socket. My
mother called and talked to me about her health problems. I know she's
genuinely worried because she was unable to just brush them off like
she usually does. I want to offer to be there with her during these
next steps, but I think she'd be offended. So much to do ... need to
get back to working.

It's late now and i'm in shitty shape. I'm wearing a sweatshirt that i've had since 1999. It used to be a signal when i would wear it. I came close to needing that signal tonight but I didn't but i wore it anyway. The dog pissed on the bed while I was in the shower. Today was long and I'm not feeling well and I just wanted to sleep after the shower, but I can't because I have to wait for the bed to dry. And i can't fall asleep.
Dear dog,
Why, when you have the whole apartment to piss in, do you piss on my bed? I wish you would stop it.
Sometimes i feel like people judge people who want love harshly. I feel like people who want love and who want romance are seen as stupid or naive. I hesitate to tell people how sad i really am because i don't want them to think worse of me than i assume they already do. I'm upset at the things people are saying to me and the way that people are talking to me. I can vaguely see their intention, but expressing judgments is not you showing or offering support of me. I guess i feel like complaining tonight because that seems to be all I can get out. I'm really upset tonight. It's much harder for me to keep my mind in a good headspace when I can't keep my body healthy. My blood pressure was seriously high at the doctor and mine usually runs a little lower than average so it was more of a concern. Apparently eye problems and blood pressure problems don't go well together. My chest hurt for an hour or so today but with the situation that developed at work, i wasn't really surprised.
Right now i just want to have his head in my lap and play with his hair while i tell him that i know it's so hard but we'll make it work, we'll find a way or several ways and we'll try them all. If that makes me stupid then that's fine. But that's what i want right now.

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