It seems that the only thoughts in my head that are connecting enough to make sense are the ones that carry the big stick and don't fight fairly. I'm stressed out about a couple mistakes at work, my increasing desire to get away, my appointment on tuesday and whatever i've done to piss the dog off. Maybe he knows we'll be moving soon and it most likely won't be out of this stupid town. i should just get used to being alone and just accept the idea that unless i get on some serious meds that can curb the majority of me that i'm just going to be alone. Neither of them have meant it. Maybe they meant it in the moment and maybe for a few months afterwards, but you know how it goes. You spend more time with someone and realize you can't save them or change them and you lose your interest. You get smart and move on to save yourself. i suspected it, but i forced the confirmation this week. It's my fault, i don't try to shirk blame for that. I feel like skipping the tuesday appointment and just not find out if it is cancer. No one will want to have children with me so what does it matter? I'm a mess. I havent even bothered to change clothes since friday night. pathetic.