Saturday, January 9, 2010

uh hmmmm

Well, I sent in my TFA application. It's another long shot, but it's still a shot. I only told two people about it. Guess it's back to the rest of the applications tomorrow. So it's 3am and I'm up, shivering and digging the newest Coyote Grace songs. It's rather cold here. Gmail thinks it should be snowing, but I think it's wrong. It is supposed to drop below 20 tonight ... not exactly FL weather. I hope there's snow when I go up north again. Gotta get shoes first though. I don't have any that are appropriate except my running shoes and those aren't even really. So ... sometimes all the stuff going on in my brain makes it really difficult to concentrate. That's pretty much defined this week. Serious struggles. I wish I could describe it just for the sake of validating it in some form but i get confused and can't make everything overlap at the right rate. Maybe words aren't the right medium. Maybe typed words are incorrect. This is a worthless post. Worthless like most of my efforts. I want guitar lessons. Or maybe just some concentration and some time alone. Really alone, no dog no roomate in the house, no cat, etc. Unlikely. I can't focus. I've had 4 panic attacks in the last 7 days. I hadn't experienced a full blown one in more than 2 months. Not fun. I know i know i know. Go to the doctor get back on meds but it's not what i want right now and it's not what my damn bank account wants and I would consider just anx meds but i haven't found a doctor that doesn't push and that i feel respects my desires about not medicating. I know the stat and can calculate the odds just let me try for a little while. I know it's dangerous and i'm seeing the warning signs but i don't want that medicine coma back. The irony there is that i've been trying pretty hard to stay fairly sedated. I think the correct term for what i've been experiencing is a mixed episode. I hate manic symptoms for the most part. Except for when i think they're great, of course. I'm struggling with my body and weight and identity and sex. I don't and haven't told anyone many of the things that enter my head when i'm like this because i fear judgement. Some of it makes me laugh because it's so out there but i don't want to freak anyone out or just weird them out and i feel bad for thinking and wanting some of it lol I don't know how to explain it. It's like a double-shot of espresso ( that word does not have an X for those of you who incorrectly pronounce it...) combined with the skin-crawling weird ears/jaw thing that you feel when you pull a cotton ball apart and aching body with racing thoughts and confusion and somewhere in the whole mix you fall and want to die and can't think of anything except how insanely large the failure that you're breathing is. Yeah not making sense anymore. Enjoying the man's music now. Sometimes i really wish i felt more comfortable and less afraid of judgement about being in an open/poly-possible relationship. People talk about their experiences with their spouses or sig others and I want to chime in with something that seems so normal to me but i'm fortunately aware that it's not. I probably could and everyone at my current job considers me so eccentric that they might think i was joking or just take it in stride and talk about me later but i dont want to really risk it. Sometimes my head feels like when you watch a video and the audio are out of sync and it creates this dissonance but at the same time imagine hearing the parts of an orchestra warming up but on their own and not resolving into anythign coordinated. I'm afraid one of these days that it'll step out of hypomania or a mixed and actually just be mania. It's only happened like one and a half times before and NONE of it was pleasant. Repairing/cleaning up the aftermath was like rebuilding an intricate puzzle of some distant ex that you really knew really well but found out you didn't know that well when they cheated on you with someoen who was way more interesting than you. I think i should try to sleep. I really need my brain to turn off for a few hours. I hope i don't end up just staring at the ceiling. Sorry for the chaos. More later.

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