Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I feel like I should have known ...

The first thought through my brain when I woke up this morning was "oh
I don't feel well". At which point, I immediately shut off my alarm
and went back to sleep. That's not something that I like to do. I also
don't like to forget that I need to put gas in the car or be late for
work, but both of those also happened this morning. I went to bed
anxious and not feeling my best. I was worried but didn't want to call
because I didn't want to seem intrusive or needy or shirked. But I did
feel those things :( I mantra-ed to myself my new favorite quote about
jealousy because somewhere in my mind i was partially sure that
someone more interesting had come along. Not in a long-term way. But
then it sorta turned out that the worrying was warranted but not the
jealousy and i had other not-good feelings about that. I worked late
last night and it looks like that could happen again tonight. I'm
trying not to give into the reality that i'm sick, but it's definitely
reality. There's drama afoot at work lately and it makes it even more
difficult for me to be here. I want to run some errands after work to
pick up some soup and a couple things that I'd like to add to a
project that's become surprisingly near and dear to my heart, but it's
cold and i'm tired and obviously whiny. I'm also avoiding writing
about what I really wanted to write about today: irritation, anger,
and rage. I've thought about it in-depth and have spent quite some
time observing my relationship with those feelings and I'm not proud
of them but I feel the need to address it because they have SUCH an
impact on myself. I've been avoiding feeling anything for fear of
feeling those things lately because I feel so powerless and consumed
when those get into the mix. I think we're taught really interesting
things about those emotions and despite how useful I think they can be
at times, I've let them take a really destructive path through my life
in the past few years. My skin certainly bears the marks of that
truth. Although more times than I'd like to count I've sat in corners
mumbling and sobbing and staying away from everything and sitting on
my hands because I'm too afraid of myself to move. It's weird how self
preservation kicks in sometimes. I've decided that I don't really want
to dive into this topic fully where I am right now. I can feel the
tears. I think I'm going to set some time aside every couple of days
to write ... to write mindfully.

btw, style school so far seems to be a great decision.

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