Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Did you do that head-tilt thing that dogs do when you say a word like
that to them? I did.

I'm having a heavy, crappy, self loathing sort of day. I want to get
out of it. No ... I want to get out of this place where most of my
days feel like this and where I can't even imagine mustering the
energy or courage it must take to work for that new place.

Just typing that made me tear up. It's the truth though. I've shaken
off enough of the manic, premenstrual, anticipatory stuff to now hit
the part where I can feel enough to know that I'm not feeling enough
of everything. I'm in the grey zone where even my lows are mediocre
and leave me wishing for more. Sometimes, it's the hardest part of my
moods. It's where I'm optimistic enough to feel like something
different is possible, but pessimistic enough to be afraid and
seriously and thoroughly doubt my ability to work to attain that
"something different". It's where the really dangerous time are
because I get depressed and then downward cycle/spiral myself into a
hole from thinking about how even if I could do the work and find the
help that nothing would ever feel different because I never could be
capable of getting better because this down-and-depressed-and-crazy-
and-moody person is intrinsically who I am and will never change
because I'm too weak, pathetic, tired, sad, needy (blah, blah, and
blah). Can you follow the staircase? From there it's just a few steps
to then-what's-the-point-in-trying and from there it's only a few more
to what's-the-point-in-anything-landing. And from there it's just a
bottle or a rope or a what ever it might be this time before I find
myself back in a freezing hospital with routines and scared nursing
students. They always look frightened.

I stopped writing for a bit because I realized that this train was one
that needed attention and that I was simultaneously neglecting my
work. So I got a crap ton of work completed and am now attacking the
large pile of crap that I've let build up. I intend to come back to
this, but the funny thing is that I started writing this basically to
say that since I need a pick me up and since I found $11 in my coat
pocket today, I'm going to treat myself to a book or a magazine and
some coffee. (I knew there was money in the pocket but I thought it
was just a dollar bill so I was leaving it there for a soda craving or
a coffee craving.


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