3.29.10

I'm just not having a good day. I took twice what I normally take of
sleeping meds last night and was still up about every 40 minutes. This
morning, I got completely dressed twice and wasn't happy with either
result, but was out of time. The pain from this period is making me
sick. Unless it magically stops it means i have to postpone the
biopsies. I just want to get it out of the way so i can stop thinking
about cancer and never having babies and stupid crap like that. I know
that it would be at least 2 weeks after the biopsies before results
but it would have a finite time frame. Having 2 periods 2 weeks apart
also means twice the emotional insanity that is now getting together
with fatigue and a workload that is bordering on too much. I also keep
losing feeling in fingers on my right hand. It's a little weird. I'm
trying to stay focused and relatively positive, but it's difficult. I
apologize in advance if I snap, or seem distracted or short. Or if i
throw up ... because that's gross. I still don't know how to dress
these boobs. I mildly despise people in happy romantic relationships
today. Seriously, STFU about it. Just for today. You and your life
plans for your privileged, perfect and perfectly-legal wedding and
your easy-to-have-children can kiss my ass today. I'm having too much
trouble not falling into a little ball from the fear and stress that
there's cancer growing in my girly parts to stop and be happy for you.
Maybe tomorrow i can drag myself out of this bitter, self-centered box.

On the up-side, I like having candy on my desk it's a good diversion
when people come in pissed off.