Friday, January 15, 2010

headspace (edited)

I'm in a really weird headspace right now. I feel really disconnected to the people around me and in my life. Work has been absolutely intense every day this week. Working from a little after 8am to after 7pm. The place that I worked launched a MAJOR national campaign this week and we're handling major promos for a couple other clients and we're still only 150 people or so. He and I have both been sick and not well which is really difficult when you're far away. I got rejected again today. It was harder than I had expected to hear because I wasn't really aware of how hopeful I'd become about it and how much I really wanted it until I really started to think about it last night and today. It all sort of came crashing down at work when I got the rejection email. I shouldn't have opened it at work, but I did and fell apart. I'm also in a weird place with moods, food, body, self care, friends, family, creativity, relationship, living arrangements and sex. (Does that leave anything out?) I want time to write and I accidentally took a nap a little while ago so I'm going to take a shower, make some tea and then come back here and, if I still feel up to it, get into this because I owe it to myself.

So the shower made me feel worse. And the tea didn't happen because I'm trying to be a considerate roommate and not microwave something at 2am and don't have a kettle and the pots are all dirty ... plus that's too much work for right now. I guess I'll have to write myself an IOU and pass for tonight. I'm going to try some meditation. (I wrote medication, which might happen too) The shortest summary is that i'm going through what's known as a mixed episode. As I'm learning more and starting to think about accepting this most recent diagnosis I'm able to identify some patterns in my life. This unfortunately doesn't fit the patterns i've noticed and my cycles have slipped away from what i thought was my pattern and i don't know what to say except it's getting worse. I've had three experiences that I don't know how to describe except to say that I lost contact with reality ... seriously was unable to decide what was real or not. It's not that this hasn't happened before, it's just never happened this often this close together and it's never not been connected to some really scary times. At least I'm aware though ... i guess. i dont' know. There's tons tons tons more that iwant to say and write about, but I think I need some quiet time away from electronics.

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