Thursday, March 25, 2010

I'm in a nasty patch of insomnia. The kind that doesn't even obey OTC sleeping meds. Two panic attacks since Sunday night. Rage that seems to come from nowhere. I was late for work despite being up an hour early due to bouts of intense and alternating anger and panic. In short, I'm PMSing despite being on medication to prevent it. I've also had the worst cramps I've had in a long time (nauseatingly painful) everyday for about 10 days. The doctor says that my body is adjusting. Well my boobs have adjusted themselves all the way to Ds. They should only adjust themselves in the opposite direction now, if you ask me. And only enough so they stop hurting. I'm trying to focus on things coming up and potentially coming up. Like birthdays and trips and potential interviews and possible visits from friends. I'm trying to eat healthier and exercise more. I bought myself some treats with the last little bit of my tax return that I didn't allocate to debt and car insurance. I'm pretty excited. I wish I would've found some shoes, since I've worn out another pair. Work has become so busy for me that I had to get another set of filing drawers and new things to hold folders. It's good. It means I have at least a little job security, which isn't something I'm used to feeling. Buuuuuuuut that combined with not sleeping and feeling the way i described above has me pretty cautious. I've been pretty purposeful about not spending time alone when I'm feeling iffy. (Sorry if i've seemed needy or clingy) I'd like to find a gym that I can afford so that I can go there when I need to burn some energy and not just run/walk on poorly lit streets, but I'm really REALLY intimidated by gyms and there's other things that need the money. And I'm fearful of getting back into crazy anorexic habits. So that's on hold. I want to get out and just walk and jog more, but I prefer to go late at night so I don't have to deal with the social anxiety but then I get freaked out by creepy people and poor lighting. *shrugs* I need a buddy system or something. I wish I would've put more consistent energy into leash-training the pup when he was younger. I did get a harness for him that helps with his walking habits but it takes time, i know. It's hard not to reach for someone and not to feel their absence when times are tough. I'm very lucky that we've continued to talk and at the level that we have. But I know I pull back when I feel like this ... and not just from him, from everyone. These intense periods of emotions leave me feeling really out of control and afraid and unpredictable and they've been instrumental in most conflicts i've had ever. So it's logical to want to pull away and push away out of fear of ruining what I have, but that's a tricky situation because i can't pull all the way away, but I run HUGE risks staying as open and as connected. And it's not just with him. I'm going to give myself a break and try showering.

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