Monday, June 28, 2010

"taking in every thing..."

I shut the computer down and started moving towards bed and then realized that I should write, but now that I went through turning everything back on I don't really want to. That's pretty much how things go for me these days. Songs sound good until the second chorus, if I'm lucky. Food tastes good for three bites and then is revolting. Hanging out with Chris seems like a good idea until I'm horrified at the way he drops food on his clothes like a child ... I'm trying to find a way to blame how shitty i'm feeling on something other than the same shittiness that I deal with once or twice a month since i'm still not at peace with going back on meds. Let me tell you, there's plenty of things going on (mom's surgery, the work issues compounded by other work issues, my raving insecurity, my two-a-month periods ...) I can't enjoy the place that I had strangely made my refuge for a few months. The landlord still hasn't even bothered to send someone to check it out. Any appliance that gets turned on in the kitchen, with the exception of the fridge, over and dishwasher (thankfully!), sends one outlet into a fit of glowing orange, smoke and sparks. I hate fire. It terrifies me like almost nothing else so a constant threat of fire has me a bit edgy. I also can't even try to bake anything unless it requires only handwork and the stove/oven. I'm afraid i'm going to come home one day to the fire dept. I'm getting too upset to keep writing this so, in bullet form, are other things i had intended to write about:
- not feeling anything
- music, concerts, and religion
- weight
- not feeling anything
- not letting myself feel?
- allergies
- alcohol
- mom's surgery
- identity and queerness
- being unmedicated, bipolar, going through a break up, sexual assault, medical issues, and yet feeling like this is what is really unraveling me and how ridiculous and stupid it makes me feel
- not feeling like i deserve a new tattoo
- mf sex
And i'm not makinig sense even to myself anymore so this is the end of this ramble. I need a break. Can you hear me universe? I need a break, pretty please with a cherry on top.

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