Monday, December 28, 2009

useless

I've been basically useless at work today. I don't feel very put together or I do feel very haphazardly put together. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel well physically. I had a horrible time sleeping last night and I went to bed super irritated. My irritability spilled over today and I basically just fell apart at lunch. Thankfully, I was home by myself and had time to just sit with myself and cry. I forgot a decent-sized part of my shopping list last night so I really should run out and finish picking up things tonight. I brought a couple things that I need to return with me, but I"m not sure I have the patience for them today.  I'm tired, but I have plans for dessert and coffee tonight. I want to leave myself tomorrow to clean so that I'm not in the middle of it while friends are arriving. I really, really hate cleaning. Well it's not so much that but I hate that I don't have very clear, easily accessible places for everything to go. Since moving everything to accommodate a roommate, space is tight. Most days it doesn't bother me, but lately everything feels cluttered and crowded. And messy. And sloppy. And immature. And gross. The craft supplies are difficult to put away because I don't have enough drawer space to fit everything like I used to do in the old house. I want the dining room table (that now lives in the bedroom) to be clear except for presents. The difficulty is that the dog is still destructive so things need to live out of reach most of the time. I'm really irritable and feeling pretty much like avoiding all of humanity until I can feel comfortable breathing again. It's more than irritable, though. I'm not really sure how to clearly explain it. I'm sure that there's a lot of emotions going on, but sometimes when things get this difficult for me to navigate I wish I could go back a few years where my walls were thick with anger and very little made it through to me. I sometimes wish that I could just feel one thing the majority of the time ... even if it was negative. Days like this make me wish that I could just choose to feel that way again. Impermeable. Solid. I know that when I feel like this it's important to focus on self care. There's a song on a CD that E sent me that has really been the only thing to make me smile in a couple days. The song is "Friends" by Band of Skulls. Here's a link to a live performance.  So that's become part of my self care for today. I also plan to go run those errands and maybe continue my epic hunt for shoes. The self care part of that is that I'm not going to feel guilty for not rushing home to talk to people online (I have a cell phone people can call me if they need me. There's no reason for me to rush home or to want to feel needed so badly.) or to let the dog out (I went home at lunch and he'll be okay). If I can get the toiletry items that I need, I also plan on taking a long and thorough shower tonight. You know that part in Garden State near the fireplace where she danced? I'm in it right now. Working through and into some thoughts. I wish i didn't have them. I wish i could run from them. 

work work work


1 comment:

Rachel said...

You might not feel put together, but you had me fooled. Courtney, you look more beautiful than ever, and if that can be any consolation, let it be.