I've really let what happened tonight (see previous post) get into my head. I hate that. By the time I had reached the main road I had already decided which shirts I could wear to softball games under the red shirt. I made a mental note to add my makeup to my bag and to make sure my jackets and sweaters were either clean or about to be clean. And what effect does all of that have? Circular. Yes, it makes me feel like I need the very things that have cause the evidence got me into this tangle tonight. With any luck it's just a blip on the other person's mental radar -- a small notation made about me in their mental file. For me, is caused this rapidly spreading virus of paranoia, self doubt, self hate, and anger. It's linked up with my other current worries (i need a stronger word), hormones, and mental disarray to effectively trap me.
The other stuff? Oh ... nothing major, just that my plan to enable me to continue to commute to work has fallen through and i have no idea if I'll be able to come up with something else. Freaking out? Not me. Just worried that since I haven't been really totally open with anyone that it's my fault that i feel so damn unsupported by my friends and family. You have to let people know that you need them, right? I don't know. Unsolicited and unappreciated harsh comments about the choices i have made do not, in any way, shape, or form, make me want to lean on you. And, btw, it makes me a lot less sympathetic when you need or want an ear. What does it take for people to realize that sometimes, I need you to keep your opinions to yourself and just be supportive of me. You can say "i told you so" later. You can even say that you think something's a bad idea or not the best, but do me the favor of pretending to understand tact and at least throw in something like "but i can see that you don't agree" ... or something ... please people. I've spent so much time crying today, which has been sort of absent from my life the past week so I'm freaked out a bit. I know it's normal and healthy but i sometimes really hate crying. I found my rough draft of my article that was published my senior year. Wish i would've pursued that a bit harder. I have some really intense concerns about going for a visit. Stupid concerns and i know that they're stupid which makes me feel even worse for even thinking them, but I've been trying to dimiss them and they won't go away and I just feel so damn insecure for letting them float in my mind but i don't know what to do about them. I haven't bought a diet coke from cvs because for the past year and a half, i haven't bought one without buying a coke and probably a crunch bar too. Sometimes i want to strangle my sentimental side. I want my mom to come up so badly, but man i don't want my mom to come up. Which probably makes no sense like most of me lately. I feel sick from crying so hard. I wish every red civic, white avalon, and black quadcab dakota could just get off of the roads and away from me while i'm feeling homesick. It's so ridiculous but i get this "oh hey! there's dad!" feeling when i see trucks like his and when i'm homesick it feels like a punch in the gut when nanoseconds later, reality hits. I washed all of my jeans again because I washed them in the first place because they were getting baggy and i thought it was because they were dirty. This doesn't fit with what i feel. I'm confused and upset and SO DAMN TIRED. This isn't the kind of tired that brings sleep though. No, this is the kind of tired that comes from too many thoughts that you can't address, too many ideas you can't wrangle, random ups and downs, and trying so hard to control impulses. It's the kind of tired that comes from jumping at every fleeting thing in your peripheral vision, from checking and rechecking to try to quell some paranoia but knowing that your brain will just work around the logic that tries so hard to negate it. It's the kind of tired that comes from knowing that other people don't feel this way and act this way and trying continually to not let it break the surface. It's the kind of tired that comes from trying not to feel bad for having an okay day when your favorite person is so far away ... that comes from trying not to feel bad about not wanting the cat that uses your personal things as their toilet ... that comes from trying really really hard to be optomistic about your own potential, from trying not to feel like a failure in comparison to your younger brother, from trying not to count and deny every calorie, from trying not to lose focus at work and trying to recheck every figure because you're afraid the next mistake will surely be your last. Most importantly, though, it's the kind of tired that comes from doing all of this simultaneously and still breathing and functioning and caring for pets and getting out of bed and calling grandma on her birthday and not caving in.
I'm done rambling for now. I think.
I think it's time for some meditation and doodling.