Monday, April 6, 2009


My birthday is this weekend. I'm not thrilled about turning 24, but ya
know ... it happens. I guess. I'm just hoping the party goes well and
the rest of the weekend goes well and money works. I had honestly
hoped to buy myself a new party dress or to sew one, but that's a
pretty silly notion. I think I'll scrap the egg hunt too. In favor of
drinks and idk what else really. I mean who eats a party anymore? Okay
well who eats at a party where the focus is drinking? IDK

I'm really having an incredibly hard time not just breaking down after
looking over finances this morning. I'm so so so so so so so over it.
I just want to scream and cry and tell everyone how not fair it is
that we both work so goddamned hard, but that it's never ever enough.
But instead i've contacted the bank about the fraudulent charges,
we're planning to call the landlord to see if he can take a partial
payment or wait to cash it till the 15th. Anxiety is so out of control
that meds are seemingly useless today. I need to go to the store and
get something + a bday card for a coworker, but where's that money
going to come from?

Let's start off with some recent crafts ... these have very little to
do with hesitation except that my digital camera is broken and I don't
like posting craft stuff without photos. I've been recycling old
clothes and fabric remnants into new clothes and products for my Etsy
and Artfire shops. I made a tube top that was way too large in the top
so I created a rose-like gathering in the center to handle the excess
fabric without adding another seam and I'm really happy with it. It's
made from a simple white t-shirt that was too large for me. I also
deconstructed a broken dress to make a pattern for a long halter tank
with a fitted top and a contrasting section beneath the bustline. It's
reversible which I'm amazed with, and the strap is braided scraps of
the same shirt. Funky but cute. I have trouble fitting the chest of
most of the things i'm making. I don't know if I'm not taking accurate
measurements or if I'm missing an integral concept. wooo! Just scored
a dressform off of Freecycle which will hopefully help ooodles! Next
step is to raid the library's sewing books! Maybe at lunch tomorrow?
Ehh the library that's closest is a very small branch but their craft
section is good. I should look online tonight and see if I can get
them shifted over there this week.

So I've been avoiding writing about a couple of things here for a
couple of reasons. 1. I'm a bit afraid members of my family have
navigated here from either a facebook note or some other way and 2.
I'm not sure how people will react because I do know at least one
person reads this. But whatever. I need to write about it. I don't
really talk about it with friends in detail or in terms of feelings so
here it is that I should spread a little of it out of my head. So FH
and I have what most people would term an "open relationship". I'm not
sure I find the term appropriate because it's not like it's completely
open, but I can't come up with a clearer one so i'll use it for now.
It's not completely open as in anyone, anytime, anywhere, but we have
an agreement that affords up playtime with people other than one
another. We have an agreement (a la Ethical Slut) that works for us.
It's discussed and modified, as needed. In recent weeks we've become
much better about communicating about it and sort of through it. In
the beginning, it was mainly us playing with a person or people
together, but we've recently begun to have some playtime separately.
That combined with his T, means alot of playtime is being had ...
which is great and i mean REALLY great. But there's a part of my brain
that's battling with having so many playmates, especially in a small
time period. It's sort of an internalized-homophobia, but slut-o-
phobia(?) ... not a word i know ... but I'm going for meaning here
people. I enjoy it, so it's not something that I want to stop simply
because i have some downward "bad-luck-zone" feelings about myself in
conjunction with it. I feel weird being explicit here because I'm
typing from work but I sort of feel the need to be more graphic to
explain some more. But I guess it's not necessary. It's rewarding at
least in part to feel that so many different types of people can be
attracted to you or at least deem you 'worthy of play'. And it's
informative, I guess to learn more about yourself and what you like
and to expand your definition of who you are.

Work to be done. Possibly more later.

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