Monday, March 23, 2009

My moods change faster than I can change the song on my iPod

So for the sake of focusing my body and my mind I'm going to leave this open and return frequently to continue what I feel will be a fairly comprehensive post. I'm not sure about leaving this entry totally public because I need to feel comfortable having a place to let everything out. But I feel like I should leave it out here because I need to be realistic about the details of my life and for me, writing is one of the best ways for me to process them.

So I guess the question becomes: where to start?
The basics: back on meds, cleaning out the craft room (very proud of the progress i've made in there this weekend), fighting the two biggest physical manifestations of my struggles to the best I can, ideas are spilling out of my brain, still working at the agency, engaged, awkward as usual ....

I forgot my notebook today and I feel pretty lost without it. Meep. I wanted to nab a few seconds to scan some sketches and get them into illustrator and start really working with them. Maybe pen and ink is actually the way to go. More organic.

I'm losing my momentum so very early in the day today and it's frustrating. At least I found someone's iTunes to listen to that's keeping my mood more even.

okay forget the pussy footing around. There's some serious shit that I want to talk about. For example - being stuck on the other side of this fence that's commonly referred to as T. It blows my mind how one damn chemical is responsible for so much within a body. It's not your goddamned chromosomes, no, it's your hormones that make you look and kinda feel a certain way. The changes don't bother me. It's feeling left out of the whole thing that does. And it's not so much a bother as it is just distance, I guess. So there's all these other people that can relate to that experience but here I am on the outside and on the inside at the same time, not knowing what it feels like but expected to deal with the changes as they come. Do I make mention? Do I just shut up and let it happen and then pretend like we just arrived here peacefully and without strife? I'm not sure what to do. Just roll with it, I guess. Maybe I'll be better prepared to be a parent of a teenager one day.

I feel like something's so wrong today. I'm doing my best not to just walk out the door, down the stairs, and keep going until I can find a place to sleep away this mess. I know sleep will do nothing though. I think by worrying that I was heading toward a scary manic period I pushed myself so far the other way. This isn't okay. This isn't okay. This is not okay to feel like this. I'm freaking out, I don't know what to do. I feel completely unstable. Images are flashing through my head. I'm restraining myself from searching for photos of something formerly very common to my computer ... not porn ... beautifully thin people showing their willpower, their control, their ability to ignore the soceital drive to be full and filled. Blogland has a made-up word for those pictures that I used to tape to notebook that held my calorie counts ... thinspiration. Odd word, but accurate. I saved alot of money those semesters. I'm scared of the creativity that comes sometimes, afraid it's yet another symptom and some false fake creativity that I thought i posessed but was realy the lack of balance between neurotransmitters in my brain.

This isn't helping. Just forget it all. call me a drama queen, melodramatic, whiney, passive, pissy, whatever you want to call me. I don't know how to handle myself today and I'm always afraid of where that could lead. It's days like this where I need ...


The Pink Potpourri said...

hope your weekend goes better!

don't forget it is FREE GIVEAWAY FRIDAY! at my blog, and this week's giveaway is beautiful!

NervousHabit said...

You were doing so well with this post! You were starting to get it all out! But believe me, I know what it's like when you have a feeling/issue you need to write down and you look at it and you think, "Jesus, what a load of crap. I hate this." But I'm glad to see you try.

I will send you a new mix, but I warn you, it's going to be eclectic as hell. I'll burn the newest tracks I've acquired (note: just because they are new to me does NOT at all mean they are new songs) and I can't wait for the one you send back. Don't worry about not being here for the show. I'm sorry I can't be there for your birthday! Anyway, I completely forgot I even had to do this show til' last weekend. I'm going to try to set up another one in St. Aug in a couple of months. I'll let you know how that goes. *hugs* Thanks, Court. Love you.