New Hair cut

I really don't know why the clock is so off when i post.

financial ickies

So here's the way it looks:

I hope I'll be able to pay our portion of the rent come august 1. That's fine and dandy, but that doesn't leave room for ANYTHING else. Gas, groceries, meds, doctors ... nothing. There's gas in the car and without any major trips and by not running the air, i think that can last. I haven't taken my meds in a couple weeks and i can feel the withdrawl. It's been awhile since i've made it to therapy but at nearly $100 a session, that's out of the question. I tried looking around for a group that would be cheaper or even free that met later in the day or something do-able but no luck. The only one i could find would require driving to. Whatever -- i can manage w/o therapy. I can take back the book that i bought yesterday to be able to pick up some groceries. I can wash the few clothes that i need by hand and just iron them. We'll have a washer in 18 days, that's really not that long to do wash by hand. I've got several things I could/intend to pawn and/or put up on craigslist and facebook marketplace. i have so much jewelry made, but don't have the listing fees for etsy or ebay. I could try the myspace page and at least invest some serious time (for lack of anything else to invest) trying virtual promoting. That leaves another electricity bill and white paint to round out getting us out of the apartment. That however, could take quite a bit of gas to get us back and forth ... the moving process. I think i'm missing some things that still need to be taken care of ...

I am completely and utterly irritable. I am angry and anxious and sweating and nauseated and really uncomfortable. Every sound feels liek someone driving a nail into my head. I have no patience am ready to freak out and it's not even 10 am. I'm not really sure what to do except just leave, go sleep and then at some point join the real world again. I'm just not convinced this place is for me.

25 things

25 things about you:

5 Fears-
1. Washing hands in public
2. Paramedics
3. Public speaking
4. People knowing i'm not capable
5. People realizing that i am really that messed up

5 Favorites -
1. Season: fall
2. Color: indigo
3. Time of day: very late night/very early morning
4. Icecream: homemade mint choco chip
5. Places: Marketplace in Florence

5 Hobbies -
1. Photography
2. Jewelry Making
3. Cooking
4. Making art
5. Reading

5 Not-so-well-known Things -
1. I have grey hair.
2. I think i'm really boring.
3. I was born very early.
4. I'm super insecure.
5. I have big feet.

5 weaknesses -
1. Math, specifically division. I <3 calculators.
2. Self esteem, the whole thing is pretty weak.
3. I have a hard time saying no to a challenge.
4. I speak my mind.
5. Food.



On a side note -- I stepped outside tonight to take the dog out. And while trying not to think too much I heard a Paul Simon song. My instinct was to curse the universe for rubbing it in my face, but i made myself think about it longer and decided that maybe it was the universe's way of telling me that it's alright and that it's okay to really let go.

A fresh space; a new place

So, I've created a new space for myself. With the recent path of things in my life, I need a bit of breathing room for my thoughts. And because I'm failing lately to create that even inside my own head, I've created a somewhat physical space for that here.

"I cannot do everything, but still

I can do something. I will not refuse to do

the something I can do."

—Helen Keller

I want to give myself permission to be really honest and really truthful about how i feel here. I want to give myself the freedom to be open about everything, even the bad times. I want to make a promise to myself to take time each week to do something just for me. It might be by myself & it might not. And that's okay. I want to be creative in my daily life. I want to find happiness from what i have and not find discontent with the things I don't have.

"Let there be peace in not knowing

all the answers."

I won't promise that things you might read here are all positive or that you might not worry about me from time to time, but it is real and that's a start in the right direction. I am very worried and hesitant as I start to fill this new space. In the past, a journal has been an outlet for the negative, but rarely a record of the positive and, in turn, I hesitated to share it with those who were/are important to me. I feel like that action, among many, has created a disconnect within myself. I am the sum of all my parts, good, bad and in between. I can't move forward with part of me. I cannot cultivate a healthy me without all of me.

"When you finally expose yourself

and let yourself be known,

the sky does not fall.

Instead, things begin to unfold;

miracles happen."

—Suzanne Falter-Barns

Hopefully I can write more tonight. I'd like to write an affirmation, address some basics, and run down this past week. I should start trying to recover some photos from teh internet since my computer crashed and took the photos with it.