Friday, June 12, 2009


There's alot going on and I'm not sure I'm handling it well.

One entry started last week, but never completed:
Let's start with a few simple statements to attempt to keep me on track as I try to write this throughout the day:
1. I'm missing my androgyny. And I'm not sure why.
2. I feel like I need to fight to prove my queer identity -- to whom, I'm not sure. If i'm trying to prove it to me, what does that mean?
3. I'm nervous about moving and all that it entails.
4. Loving the increased income from Etsy, but terrified it's going to stop and also wishing I could spend some of it on new materials like Artclay or MPC3 and the appropriate firing tools.
5. Not really feeling the job security lately. Revised: know i have a few months at least.
6. Agreement.
7. Ahhhh - the return of NIN, APC, Tool, White Zombie, Rob Zombie and the like to my life. =)
8. My meds are making me sick like whoa.
9. I stopped traffic a few days ago. With my hand on the steering wheel sitting still at a red light.
11. New Orleans & Back in 24hrs. I took photos, but they're stuck on my phone. Hostel was beautiful, there's something beautiful in the decay of that city ... A - you'd like it.
12. It's become a need in my life NOT to have a roommate. I can live with my fiance, but NOT with our current roommate. And it's making me feel like I don't want to have a roommate at all anymore. Unless it's someone i know and we know and we know we can live with. ... maybe.
13. Phone situation, so everyone knows - call the house or work, not the cell. Email, fb, or IM.

Another, started yesterday:
I just don’t know how to manage my time lately to fit everything in.

These things HAVE to be done:
  • Work -- 8:45 – 5:30 technically, realistically up 7:30am – 7pm out at the latest
  • Cook – 3 days a week solo, 1 together
  • Eat – dinner takes about an hour to eat, sometimes 2 if we watch a movie with it
  • Etsy – I have custom order that have time limits, they require time right now
  • Searching – at least an hour, preferably more. I’ve been doing this at 6am because it’s easier for me to focus then, but I’m not sure it’s the best for me overall
  • Sleeping – I need at least 4 hours, preferably more
  • Down time – I need at least a few minutes to work on a project for me, or just to sit and stare, or to check google reader, or to talk with friends online
  • Together time – A big, big need for me especially with the stress that we’re both under right now. Cuddling, talking, playing, wii, movies, tv … something.

I’m not really willing to compromise on those. The Etsy stuff can be less than everyday, I think, but not always. I’m starting to get large orders that need time put into them and they all have deadlines that always approach faster than expected.

Needless to stay I get started and then ......
oh wait now it's like 8 hours later and i haven't even finished that sentence. uuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


NervousHabit said...

Why does there have to be a distinction between your whole identity and your queer identity? By queer, I assume you're referring to your sexuality. I don't feel like my sexual orientation really encompasses that many aspects of my personality. I don't think anyone's orientation should be a behavioral compass necessarily. Your queerness (queeritude? queerosity?), your gender, your looks... none of these individually, and even all of these together don't make up the length and breadth of who Courtney is.

But if your emotional security depends on you solidifying the claim that you are, in fact, queer, might I suggest you get a faux-hawk, a tattoo of barbed-wire around a purple triangle on your bicep, and only wear cargo pants or cargo shorts and a wife-beater that says, "I Am A Walking Stereotype." You remember Amber? Anne-Marie's fling from way back? Yeah, that's what you're going to model yourself on. Also, there are roughly a dozen women on the second floor of my building who could help you out there.

NervousHabit said...

OH! And stock up on No Fear t-shirts.