Things I can do. The first 50.

In no particular order ... 100 things I can do to help myself.

1. Put up curtains in the bedroom so I can sleep better.
2. Fall asleep first and earlier so that my sleep is better.
3. Get up earlier to at least go for a walk, if not a run or an early morning class (once $ evens out).
4. Create a financial plan and stick to it. Trust is that plan and stop the day to day worrying once the day to day stuff is handled.
5. Start saving.
6. For every 2 hours I work, take a 10 to 15 minute break.
7. Draw, write, or create in some way everyday.
8. Walk away when I need to.
9. Spend time training Odysseus.
10. Take more photographs.
11. Clean out clothes and other possessions for a yard-sale or donation to clear up the house.
12. Consume more raw foods.
13. Find a way to get back on all of my meds.
14. Join an online support group.
15. Stop Calling people names ... even in my head.
16. Stop threatening people and things.
17. Stop punching walls. (Pretty sure my knuckle is damaged)
18. Socialize more -- if the given situation involves more money than I'm willing to spend, suggest alternatives instead of giving up.
19. Make a list of 5 things that I'm grateful for everyday.
20. Explore the things I want to explore, regardless of what category they fall into.
21. Don't stop being honest and open, just do it in a nicer way.
22. Take time after work (or when needed) to decompress. Insist on it, if you have to.
23. Indulge in foods that taste good without feeling the guilt. Deprivation doesn't work.
24. Wear my glasses, even at home - it eliminates some headaches.
25. Take some time to dress the way I want to. Even if that means sewing the clothes I want.
26. Tell him everyday why and how I love him.
27. Be proud.
28. Reach out to old friends.
29. Make new ones.
30. Explore more of Tallahassee.
31. Cook at least one new recipe a month (a week?)
32. Don't indulge in self deprecation.
33. Learn to crochet
34. Mandalas (I should pre-draw some circles for work time)
35. Learn new knitting stitches.
37. Revamp my etsy store/store brand
38. Try freelance photography or design work
39. Work on centering and grounding.
40. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.
41. Taking a mental health day is not a crime.
42. Be a "duck in water"
43. Breathe, breathe, and breathe again
44. Notice the details and embrace them.
45. Make and utilize to-do lists.
46. Ask about sliding scales for payments for various places.
47. Sketch freely and without such shame.
48. Let go of things.
49. Kiss.
50. Give good hugs.

Bored at work ... LOL

whine, whine, whine ...

My BMI puts me into the overweight-for-your-height category and I am totally not okay with that. I need a break from all this worrying I can't seem to let go of. The weather should make up its mind ... hot as heck last week and freezing today. I always make it so stressful for me to go home. It's ridiculous. I picked up some more hair dye while i was out at lunch. I keep buying the really cheap stuff so it doesn't stay, but I feel like the length is so goofy right now that it needs some spice in another way. I'm going to have to remember to do wash as soon as I get to my parents house. If traffic's bad, I'm worried about missing tacos. Part of me is pretty scared to even go. Ugh.

"Stand by for another breakdown..."

I'm beyond frustrated with financial worries.
I'm so worried about how sick oz is and i can't do ANYTHING about it.
I just want to curl up in a ball and CRY.

I really don't have high hopes for the day when I get here and get an email basically saying that "I heard you didn't know how to handle that project". WTF!??!?!


I ate breakfast this morning. I know it's what you're supposed to do, but not only do I feel bad for spending a little bit of money on it, but also feel bad for eating. I am ready to cry and it's just now 9 am. Can I go home and start again? Maybe by deciding to sleep forever?

"ohh you need to be loved"

Hopefully taco party pans out.

On another note NY in like a little under 48hrs. OMFG!!! I'm going to freeze but that's fine. We're going to amazing places, staying with a friend, and hoping like hell my camera holds up. Plus we NEED a vacation and I haven't taken a real one since I was like 12. I didn't really sleep much last night getting ready for this show today. I'm a bit terrified, honestly. Only my second show and I'm by myself. At least last time I was surrounded by family and fiancé. Well he wasn't then, but whatev. I really didn't sleep last night and I'm not anticipating alot of sleep tonight and not really any on Friday night. It's messing with my head. I know I'm totally capable of functioning on little sleep but still .... right now i'm dragging. And should be working. Yay! for Etsy sales though. Hopefully can find time to pour some candles and soaps tonight. Doubtfull with needing to pack and all. And the show. Hmmm maybe not.

"I'm just as nervous as you, but last night I took one look at you and I got this feeling you're the right one."

"and you called action"

Chasing Cars lyrics
-snow patrol-
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I'm feeling pretty damn emo today, if you can't tell. I don't' feel well physically and I just want to crawl back into bed with my fiance and sleep for a few more hours. Neither of us are feeling great which sucks since we're supposed to leave for our first (my first since I was like 12) vacation very early morning Saturday. We're supposed to be at the airport somewhere around 3:40am. I do fine on little to no sleep, but I'm worried about my baby. Plus he hates flying :( A few people @ work have been avoiding me and i know it's only bothering me today because I'm moody, but isolation is weighing heavily on me today. I know I could get up, but everyone looks like i'm intruding.

Can somone please just put my self-esteem out of its misery?

It's not about you ...

I'm letting go of a former "you" today. I'm sifting the memories and the times shared. I'm cleaning my heart and my head and my soul. There was a time when this "you" was good for them all, but definitely plenty times of the opposite. It seems that every time I think I'm neutral I get stung by something small. But today I'm letting go. Maybe somewhere down the line, the word friend will float in off of some unexpected breeze, but I won't hold my breath. Not that I ever was.

My biggest fear is that I've lost everyone else from back then. I know it's not true, but it feels DAMN close to that when I let myself think about it. So in reality I just don't think about it. But thanks Facebook, thanks.

Officially forever.

just pure frustration that needs a little poetic tweaking, lol

I'm so tired of labels.
Is it that they make you more able
to function
in this disunion of junk?
So what, ya know, so what if I'm a girl who likes to dress like a boy occasionally and sometimes likes to fuck like one too? So what if i'm just a plain jane girl who doesn't give a shit about feminist politics, likes to be used for pleasure and could care less what's between your legs? And you know what? I don't think of it as dressing like a boy. I think of it as dressing like me. So fuck all thes damn labels. So what if I want long hair that curls and a month later I want a faux-hawk. It doesn't mean i'm "butching" it up. I find that offensive. It means I want a change in my hair.

So Let's Talk: II

Thought patterns: (this is probably WAY more inside my head than anyone should be)
So I'm a really angry, violent, abusive, harsh, button-pushing person. I read people quickly enough to know how to anger them, probably before I know how to please them. It's disgusting. It's, personality-wise, the most disgusting thing about me. I used to hide it well. I'd only take it out on myself and when, on the rare occasion, it manifested outwardly it was written off as being teenage-rebellion -- isn't it nice how people make excuses for you? As an adult, it's become not so easy to hide and not so easy to excuse. I'd like to say I just need to learn to think before I speak, but it's not that. Hate me yet? (yeah, me too) It's deliberate and targeted. It comes out when I feel like I'm losing control. The fights that I've had that have turned physical have been my doing. I have pushed them to that level. It's gross. Seriously if i knew what part of the brain controlled this, I'd have a partial lobotomy. I find it really hard to control because it is such an obvious way for me to reclaim control: to cause a reaction. It's very similar to why I injure myself sometimes - the need to be in complete control. Control is a huge thing for me. I feel out of control (or like I'm losing control) when I feel unstable, unusually emotional, excessively needy, incompetent, overwhelmed, vulnerable, weak, like I'm about to lose something or someone important because of my own actions *that's a HUGE one*, and I feel out of control when I feel like I can't control myself. Like when I can see myself become this emotional snowball rolling towards everyone and everything in my life. So alot of my thoughts center around maintaining control over myself and my situation, lately that seems nearly impossible which makes me feel more out of control and this really sick cycle has developed and I HAVE/NEED/MUST break it. There's this theory about separating your rational mind from your emotional mind and the rational mind *accepts* and i think i need to apply this in this situation. (this is getting less coherent because i am getting tired, but i've needed to write like i needed to breathe)

I also seemingly fly off the handle and get angry or blow up at seemingly little things. Well they're not so little in my head. The long and the short of it is that I can't/don't/won't (don't know which yet) let go of little things and eventually little things build to huge massive beasts of things that would make normal people get mad and throw things or scream or some similar vice. Maybe an example? (this is related to black and white thinking as well) Okay so I've been having some cognitive problems since the overdose and I'm not sure if they're related to the new meds or the overdose itself or whatever. So I have trouble finding the right word say at like 9am, somethign I used to pride myself on (words). Lets say at 9:30am I fill out the estimate column incorrectly and the account manager gets really pissed off and comes to inform me that it's wrong. Great, been at work less than an hour and already failed twice. Yes, to me those are both failures. See above: failure = loss of control over myself = freak out. This early and this small is probably contained inward, maybe I think (if i'm letting myself cut) that it's probably time for a cut or two (small ones) as punishment/focal points to recenter myself. Whatever, day progresses. Later I spill soup on myself (think gross=slob=failure to maintain satisfactory appearance/appear in control). That'd probably stay to a tear or two hidden nicely in the bathroom while I tried to wash the soup out. If i was already feeling rough and was in a place where I was letting myself feel this way, I'd think I didn't deserve the soup and find a way to get it out of my system. (**for real, i'm not sure why i'm putting this out here, but I'm not exaggerating and I'm sort of freaking out writing about this with this much honesty**) So even say idk two hours later some other work minor (from an outside perspective) malfunction ... missed shipping date or something else that sends an account manager looking to switch to a different production person because they beleive that i don't have enough experience to handle their projects. Super failure on my part (feeling incompetent = being incompetent = failing at job = freaking out about losing job = SNOWBALL). So I can probably keep that tucked away while I manage the minicrisis and keep busy and interacting with people to avoid nuclear meltdown. So the day continues, I snap at the bf over IM or on the phone (think: Failure to set aside work, failure to be a good SO, failure to love, failure to be normal, failure to find a positive framework, failure to continue any good any year of therapy has had, failure to be a human, failure to be positive, failure to maintian relationship THINK: eventually he's going to get tired of me and this bullshit and the awful way i treat him WHILE THINKING secretly he sees through to the needy vulnerablity and fear of losing him) Yeah it's fuuuuuuuucked up. Driving home lets say, he seems distant I blame myself for his mood, fear that it will get worse and i'll still be the cause (have i mentioned how selfish I am?) and start thinking the same failure thoughts above. Then lets say we get home and I burn part of dinner and snap that I don't want to do the dishes. (THINK: I suck at everything in life and will never be any good at anything domestic or related to other people THINK: maybe some people are just meant to be alone THINK: I'm such an awful person I deserve to be alone...). So then say two hours or so later I'm crafting and I slip with a stamp and it prints smudged. *!*!*!BAM!*!*!*! (Stay with me - it's gonna get bad, paranoid, selfish and dangerous) THOUGHT TRAIN: I'm such a fucking failure I'm stressing myself out with the one thing that's supposed to destress me right now > I'm such a moron I would normally be able to do this if I could think clearer about what I was doing > I'm a stupid shit for taking all those pills and this is life's way of reminding me not only that I failed yet again at ending my own life, but also that I took all of them > I'm failing at everything and it's only a matter of time before I completely lose control and really flip out in public and then everyone knows how nuts I really am > he already knows how nuts I really am or at least has an idea and it's only a matter of time before he realizes what a failure he's fallen in love with and... (i'm so sorry if you're reading this anyone). [*it gets worse but I think that's as logically as I can take it right now*] By this time i'm probably screaming and have most likely thrown something or punched myself in the head (no joke). Every stored failure from the day or maybe even the week or the month or whatever has slammed down on me in a matter of seconds and I've completely lost control. Which makes it worse. I have to stop here. I'm so tired I can't see straight anymore.

I do have to say that writing this down like this makes it really easy to see the flaws, but i've really started to have this brainstorm of ideas of ways I can manage this during the day and when i get home every day. wow. that sounds cliche and like a huge shift but I'm serious. thank god or whatever. I just don't want to forget while I sleep tonight. *crossed fingers toes, etc*

I do want to work backwards through this at some point. There's more to do too. Lots of course. I really wish i could i dont even knwo. I'm crying again and really overwhelmed. I'm a mess. Ugh.

So let's talk. Part I

What happened (warning ** This isn't easy to read**):
I made the decision to die. I had, in all honesty, made it before that night and maybe even before that week. Despite not believing in much if any afterlife, death hasn't really scared me. I was waiting until I had time alone and until I felt the bottom. Sort of like when you jump in the deep end for the first time. You trust fully that your feet will eventually hit the bottom, so you close your eyes and wait during the descent. When I found that bottom or what I had decided was sufficietly low enough, I went home and cleaned up the house bit. I put the groceries away, fed the animals and began writing a letter. Oddly, didn't think of it as a suicide note until very close to the end of the page. It probably would've been different, had I thought of it that way. I had just become accustomed to writing out my thoughts when my voice failed me for one of many reasons. I started taking pills. Then stopped for while to shower and cut myself. I took apart a pencil sharpener for the blades, a usefull/less skill I learned in highschool. I was feeling pretty desperate though, so I used pliers instead of taking the time to find a screw driver. I came back to the bed after the shower and cut myself even more. I was terrified and amazed and sickened by the amount of anger and damage I was unleashing upon myself. I can't actually get rid of that short video in my head. It strikes without warning and is responsible for seemingly random tears and nausea.
After sort of cleaning myself and the surrounding areas, I decided that I wasn’t feeling the effects of the pills I had taken so I grabbed the rest. Literally everything I could find, except oz’s meds and some vitamins. A slight panic had started somewhere in my head, but to squash it, I swallowed faster. I remembered that the last time I was taken to the hospital for an overdose the first thing the doctor had said to me was “thank god you didn’t take advil”. So I made sure I did, along with several boxes of several forms of cold medicine all containing acetaminophen. And then, as far as I can remember I laid down to go to sleep like any night that I was sleeping alone. Oz came in, to change, I think or grab a jacket and I spoke, and slurred my words. And he knew something wasn’t right. From that point on things get hazy as far as details and timelines until sometime in the ICU Sunday evening. There was a lot of charcoal and vomiting. Lots of IVs and nurses. I overheard some awful comments about how they shouldn’t even bother to clean the cuts since I obviously wanted them or how pointless it was to help someone who was a “repeat offender”. In the next few hours I started to hate myself for giving in and going to the hospital, for quitting and for not ripping the IVs out and for taking the charcoal. I regretted that Oscar had to find me like that. To come home to that. And thought of all sorts of other ways things could’ve happened that could’ve been easier on him, from my perspective at least. The thing I find strange is that one, maybe 2 people have asked “why?”. Maybe it’s obvious. Maybe no one thinks it’s any of their business. Maybe they’re like some of the people I’ve talked to and they feel like it’s not a very important detail. I had reached a point where I was damn tired of struggling through everyday just to function. Tired of feeling like everything I did was wrong and everything I touched would fail. Like things would never change and never better. Tired of feeling useless and unable to help anyone around me. Tired of feeling like the things that I wanted to accomplish were pointless and would never happen. Hopeless, fat, useless, and like the only thing I could do was cause pain to those around me. Unfortunately I can’t say those beliefs are gone given the turmoil that I still feel exists because of me. Yes it was and is extremely selfish. But I’ve discovered more and more lately that that word describes me fairly accurately. So, inpatient time led to new diagnoses and new labels and new things that are harder to wrap my head around. I’m having a very hard time feeling like in a matter of weeks I have gone from being capable of dealing with just depression and anxiety to being overwhelmed by very simple day to day tasks. How is it that with a supposedly corrected diagnosis, meds, and a different type of therapy I’m missing more work, failing to repair relationships, and have hurt myself and nearly everyone around me even more than before?

It’s hard to keep my head up, to be honest.

If you're not in the mood to read some whining, don't read this

My sinuses are staging a revolt. So, for those of you playing the home version, that's one problem of the feminine kind, one intense cold/sinus infection, one or two ongoing mental breakdowns, a nearly non-existent bank account, a department who knows way too much of my business, a lack of an HR department to help, 3 bills due in the next week (two in the next day), an awful lack of a haircut that's fueling an incapacitating lack of self-esteem and horrible body image, and it's f*ing cold in my office. My whole body hurts and I just want to be back home, in bed.

Fuck venting.

for real?

I was really doing okay hanging in here. But now one of the doctors
called and ... I think I just found the straw that's breaking this
camel's back. It's not even really a big deal but on top of everything
else. Really?
I want to work a full day, seriously i want to. And I need to $$ wise.
And tomorrow too because Wed I won't be able to be in because of all
the appointments. I wish I could go get a haircut. So at least I
wouldn't feel like I looked like crap.
I'd like to go do this stupid show this weekend, but there's money for
gas to get down there.
My stomach is really upset.
This sucks so bad. I just want to scream into an abyss -- Garden State
Style.
If i'm going to do the show, I need to decide tonight and get
everything tagged, priced, and build some sort of display something or
other.

So, I get to work today ...

... to find an email from my boss telling me that she informed my department what's been going on with me. I'm pissed. And I told her so. And i understand where she was coming from but I'm still very very angry. And don't feel comfortable with her and don't feel comfortable trusting her. And now I even question my trust in Scott. They could've just been told that I'm sick and they're not sure what's really wrong with me. Or that I'm having other problems of any sort. They didn't need to know. I'm upset that they're all planning on going to see Twilight without me. But whatever. I just feel so thoroughly unsupported from just about every direction on just about every topic. Can't someone just support my ability to make decisions? Can't someone trust that I know what's good for me right now? It's not fair of me to only lean on Oz, but it's really starting to feel like he's the only one who I can lean on fully. I get that good friends need to voice their concerns ( and believe me I recognize that we're not all going to agree all the damn time), but at the same time I need friends who can recognize that we don't agree and can still be there for me. Please.

I want to write. I want to write so badly it's actually manifesting itself in anxious twitches. But I just can't seeem to start. I get overwhelmed by it. Maybe I'll try a video and just let it happen. Maybe if I can't sleep tonight or after grocery shopping tomorrow or something. There's just too much sometimes. And now is definitely one of those times in my life.

I feel so broken. Disjointed. Failing.

I don't think i've taken the time to properly wrap my head around the new diagnoses and what they really mean in the long-term life sense and the daily sense. Some more things are explained by them, but several new questions and problems have arisen. I need to do some reading to really understand all three (four?) and how they work together and what that means for me and how or what i need to change or adjust to better my life. It's been waaaaaaaaaay harder than i imagined to get back into "normal" life. I'm scared and a wreck.

Write it on your arms, live it in your life, speak it in your words.

My poster for TWLOHA day. Next week.
Write it on your arms, live it in your life, speak it in your words.

birth stuff

Your birth tree is

Maple, Independence of Mind

No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and
reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences,
sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily,
complicated love life, wants to impress.

Please ask questions if you have any.

Actually, I've done very very little of anything. I'm cold. It's a deep, frightening cold that feels like it reaches deeper than skin and bones. I feel really conflicted right now. I have this HUGE desire to just get it all out. Like every last thing ... to the point where i've considered doing like a mental health 101 for the staff at my work. Which isn't the same thing but they're connected and this is my journal so run with it. I'm tired of trying to not mention certain insecurities around certain people because I'm not sure they know that that's something that I struggle with or a bajillion other reasons. I haven't really talked to anyone about what happened. And i think I need to but at the same time I don't want to. My brain has been carrying a couple details around that just won't leave and aren't okay to share. Or for the most part they aren't but they're so vivid (i guess is the word) that I feel compelled. Only one person has asked (other than the docs) "why?". Which I would guess comes from not wanting to intrude or be rude but it makes you wonder if everyone just expected it and rationalized it on their own.


I went on this great run tonight. All the way to airport road and back in less than 11 minutes, but then i came back and ATE the like huge fatty I am.

So .... I really could use a drink. But my i'm told my liver is still recovering and alcohol isn't a good idea. The less I'm able to drink the more I realize how close I was to addiction. That's not what fucked up my liver, btw. The massive overdose of basically emptying the medicine cabinet into my stomach was responsible for that. Spent a week in the hospital. 2 full days in ICU, one in the ER. My work lied for me and said i had mono. I'm not doing alot better, to be honest. Okay let me clarify ... i'm a wreck. I packed my bags last night for the hospital again and was ready to go back, but decided to get work stuff in order and i'm waiting for tomorrow's appt. I'm exhausted by telling people at work that i'm still feeling tired or whatever since they ask about teh mono. I'm terified i'll flip and just scream the truth. I don't feel comfortable being on my own. I don't want to be alone. I don't trust myself. I have to listen to songs i can sing to and really really focus on the words to be an okay driver. As in not wishing and praying for another car to run a redlight or something similar. I have an appointment each day for the next two days. My boss and I had a very very good and very very candid conversation when I finally came back to work. And I appreciate that and it even pointed out things i had missed as signs, but work is still really difficult. I went back for half days at first. I have appointments the next two days, but I'm very seriously considering going back inpatient (could you maybe come visit if that happens and i'm having a day where i'd like to see someones?). I left the hospital with two new diagnosis (of course one I argue with a bit) but they're hard to wrap my head around and hard to handle and are actually making this harder to deal with in some ways. This attempt was so different for me than all of the ones in the past. And so has my return to "normal" society. I'm really not sure I belong here. One of my biggest goals was to reach out to people more and use my support system and in some ways I have really done that, mainly by being more honest, but i have really failed at that as well. I've let myself reach to really bad habits and i swear it's almost an addiction. I haven't made it a day without it. But I'm here, so .... balance i guess. I tried being very very honest with my mother. We went shopping because i admitted to my weight gain and hinted at the reasons behind it. While we were shopping, I detailed the 40+lbs i've gained since sophmore year of college. And what I weigh now. Now, there's part of my brain that says she should be able to do the math and realize that that meant i was 117lbs fully clothed (@5'9") and not tell me that maybe I should start watch what i eat. That was discouraging. Whatever. I'm a horrible partner. I am mean as all get out. I fight dirty and I need to seriously need to work on it or I'm going to lose everyone. This is discouraging and not bringing me comfort or peace of mind. I'm going to abandon this for now. There's a meme below for whatever reason i found it and did it at work. I realy want to sit down and be honest about alot of things. I'm tried of trying to remember who knows what and what lies to tell and what things to not mention and worrying about who i scare the shit out of and ugh. Whatever. Pity party for one now ending for now. How am I supposed to do this?



I wonder where the other few went below?

















10. Marriage is: in the future.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking: sleeping with many people. at once.

12. I'll always be: unstable.

13. I have a secret crush on: my boyfriend. shhhh.

14. The last time I cried was because: i was thinking I should head back to the hospital.

15. My cell phone: is really just a texter.

16. When I wake up in the morning: i try to get the animals off of the bed.

17. Before I go to sleep at night: i try not to break apart

18. Right now I am thinking about: losing some poundage

19. Babies are: very attentive to my sweetpea

20. I get on myspace: when i feel isolated.

21. Today: has been a hard hard day.

22. Tonight I will: craft with erin and maybe work on a lil thing we're cookin up.

23. Tomorrow I will: try to only cry 4 times. And stay away from sharps.

24. I really want: to not be nauseated.

25. The person who means the most to me in the world right now: my big bad wolf.


So yay for obama! (i cried a little) And a nice big middle finger to the 3% of floridian voters who made up the 3% that pushed Amendment 2 over the 60% needed. (i sobbed)



How am i going to do this? Seriously.

Work Halloween Costume Contest Can't really see me, but well this is where I work ....

Home, finally.

I'm back home after almost a full week in the hospital. I don't really feel up to details right now but they'll come soon, I'm sure. Thank you to anyone who knew a worried or didn't know but worried anyways. Not heading back to work immediately. But for now i'm going to try to go enjoy a weekend. Even the thought of trying to tackle my email right now is more than overwhelming.
*hugs&love*
court

Today kind of sucks...

Check out this amazing give away!!!

CLICK HERE TO BE AMAZED!

Check out Retro Cafe' Art Gallery's amazing give-away at the link above. I love reading the blog and am blown away by the generosity in this give-away!

10.13.08

Last week, I was encouraged by all of the opportunities that were coming my and that I was bringing my way. Rejected on two out of three and no response on the third right now ... eventhough I was supposed to hear by now. It's really disheartening. Someone told me once, that it was important to recognize your own patterns, but that's currently not bringing me anything but anxiety. I'm really not in a great place and I'm really not sure what, if anything, i want to do about it. I'm on meds. I'm exercising and being creatively expressive. I'm working. I sorta feel at a loss for what else to do, honestly. I don't feel like I have any friends of my own really anymore. I feel like they've been nice enough to adopt me by proxy. My coworkers sort of grouped together and I, lacking good social graces, don't really fit that group. And by not being a gay male (despite the way some of those facebook photos looked ... ha, ha, right?) I don't really fall into that other group. It's probably a bad sign that the CEO/president/(whatever quirky title i'm supposed to put on his business card) asked me why I don't smile much in the halls anymore. Why is it always men who notice that? It's seriously been awhile since someone said that to me. I miss the friends I used to have. I miss the connections that used to be there. I know i've said this probably countless times before, but isn't this supposed to be one of those awesome points in your life? Shouldn't I be thriving instead of sinking? I don't even want to write some of what i'm dealing with or feeling because I don't want someone to get in the way of how I might want to cope with it. How frikin messed up is that?!?! I really wanted this journal to be positive and about creativity and creating and crafting and all that stuff that I wish was the focus of my life. I'm scared of myself. I feel like I'm losing myself to whatever's going on in my head. It gets worse everytime it comes back around. It's been a few years since my last major breakdown, maybe it's just time for another one. I just can't be awake much longer tonight. Maybe I'll shower again and then sleep or try to eat something, as awful as that sounds.

I love snail mail because of ...

THIS SITE. It's amazing, I promise. It's great for the little push that I often need to get started being creative.



On a completely different note:
I'm browsing the internet to avoid two things. 1) the pile of tasks that I have assigned myself for this weekend and 2) the looming avalanch of memories and guilt and regret and pain and feelings of missing people. I think i'm even a little homesick.

NEW PRODUCTS UP ON ETSY!!!

Round up, of sorts

The weekend had some amazing highlights: stargazing in the early morning hours at Shell Point, Decent Pizza dinner and socially conscious (intermingled with not-so-nice-in-public conversation, of course*) conversation. Much needed sleep on Sunday, as well.  

My work day has consisted of really obnoxious things like trying to find hemp and bamboo papers for heavy printing, being told a job is ready to go but not as originally estimated (which makes it not ready to go), and proofs that don't match what was originally sent. Oh and people complaining about things that were produced in too little time. Well as the new sign in my office reads: "Lack of planning on your part, doesn't constitute an emergency on my part". I'm going home tonight with three things that are getting done no matter how late I stay up: 1) Going for a run 2)finding a workspace in the craft room 3) packaging/finishing the three swap things that I need to have ready to go to the post office tomorrow. I plan on using my lunch time and maybe a little after-hours time tomorrow to work on the designs for the nonconventional it's-a-boy party, spoonflower, and ponoko. I should make myself an organizer of some fashion that i'd actually use. I had the most adorable one that just ended up being a scrap paper holder. 

I'm struggling with my moods and it's wearing me out. I'm not really sure how to proceed or how to sort that out. Can I take a break from me? 

It's finally 5:30 and despite the unfinished to-do list for today, I'm heading out. I'm a little burnt out on this corporate thing. 

*"I do sperm, just not to the face." "I'm bleeding from the vagina; can we hold hands?" 

*grimace* I have an awful song stuck in my head!

I overslept today, as I'm prone to do on the weekends. It's not a huge deal, just a bit bothersome. I've received some great swaps lately. It's so much fun to enjoy checking the mail again, LOL. My hardcore push for organization has fallen by the wayside due to an overwhelmingly exhausting week at work. My body's drained and my brain is kaput. I've been learning to embroider by hand and thus neglecting my quilting efforts, but I'll get back to them soon.

Hopefully I'll get back to this post later this evening, the puppy is whinning to go out.

personal

I am so blindingly upset and overwhelmed right now I could just
collapse.

possibly the coolest wallpaper

AMAZING!

Whim. *edited this afternoon*

I tend to keep a running list of projects, ideas, and methods that grab my interest. It's getting a little long right now, but a blog that i read posted a friendly reminder that xmas is actually quickly approaching. I'm sure we've all felt the time crunch, especially if you try to go handmade for the holidays. Did anyone else sign the handmade pledge?!?! I've been big on handmade holidays for several years now. Granted, my first attempts were most often deemed paper-weights as I wasn't very good at making usable gifts, but they were handmade and creative and crafty. Almost every xmas present last christmas was handmade and my mom often gave me opportunities to accent her not-so-homemade (gasp! shame! horror!) gifts with handmade accents, accessories, wrapping, or a gift tag (at the very least). Anyways, back to the point! I'm getting some great ideas for holiday gifts or everyday gifts. I'd like to offer some kits in the store as well as really pushing the P2P marketing to bring in a few extra bucks.

*and now for something entirely different*
Sometimes, it's great working for a place that is so open and out. At times, as with any subject, there's these little things that happen that are hard to handle and make me wince. While I'm appreciative that people are being open and non-judgemental, I'm not so sure that they realize that they're still passing judgement and even being a bit closed minded within that. Don't get me wrong, I love that by working here I've held on to a decent bit of my non-straight identity that I fought, worked, and struggled to create. And i can recognize that these itty-bitty irks are even sometimes comical, but i still get that studio-audience "ohhhh" and feel a little snag in my breath at occasional comments. "But he's not a ... i mean he's not interested right?" "But you, you don't look like you're, like a ..." At least they have the sense to stammer, right?


alright, now i'm totally distracted and work's getting too overwhelming.

---

The time stamp is off when I post from this computer .. how weird! I've got tons of windows open on my computer and haven't had time to read through or look at most of them so I thought i'd post them here to share/remember:
Whip up
Wee Wonderfuls
The Long Thread's Make it Monday
Neither Hip nor Funky
Paper and Stitch
How about Orange and one of her Flickr sets
Super Eggplant Simple Bags
Basic Green Box
Soft Pretzels!!!!
DigN'Swap
Craftzine
Window Art
Tiny Happy
Sew Mama Sew
The Charm Lady
Midnightbluadorn
Midnightbluart ACEO

There are a couple things that I really need to complete ASAP:
1. ACEO for swap
2. another matchbox for a swap
3. Photo editing!!!!

@^&%$*(#&$()%*

i forgot word stamps have to be backwards.

Post shoot diatribe

So despite being very far from what I had started to envision for the photoshoot and despite the severly lower number of models, the photoshoot turned out amazing. Nearly 300 photos and really very few that are completely useless (mildly mindblowing). I got to play stylistically with some elements that I'd probably like more time and less humidity to revisit. I've uploaded the unedited, original photos to my picassa. Have a look if you feel like it, but keep in mind I was practically shooting blind for a bit due to sun and there's some serious croping left to be done (read: be nice, please). Thanks to my amazingly beautiful models, there's very little touchup work or reshooting that needs to be done. (YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOOOO AMAZING!!!) I forget how relaxing photography and photo-editing are for me ... good thing since I've probably got a good 3 or 4 hours to go for this project. I'm never a big fan of the Etsy has you upload items, but it's very standardized and makes it hard to forget any part of the process; it just gets a bit tiresome sometimes. Anyways, back to the computer. Back to too many thoughts, songs that are too loud, and too much to do (forget parallel structure).

An early morning view...

Ignore me, take in the sky out the window, the intricate silhouettes, and the beautiful blue out there. (Sorry for the lack-luster photo it's taken from the camera on my spiffy new work computer)

I'm running out of patience for this job. A little training and a little compassion apparently are too much to ask.

Hectic Morning *edited in the afternoon*

As hectic as the first day back to work after a long weekend is, I have been stealing a few seconds intermittently to check up on blogs and follow seemingly obscure links to new readings. I thought I'd clear my brain out for a bit and share some. I like to share what I read. I think the interaction and sharing capabilities of the internet make it such an amazing medium for me. Somewhere along the way a teacher (I'm thinking it was 10th grade english and I'm almost almost certain it was Graffam) talked about talking "to" someone versus talking "with" someone. Not that that's either here or there, but it's sort of a base philosophy of mine. Sometimes it's good to remind yourself that not everyone around you operates with the exact same set of basic assumptions, premises, ideals, etc. (Although, some would argue that the world makes that very obvious, I think it makes it easier to be tolerant, get along, and interact with people if you actually "know" that and don't just hear it.) Okay so before it gets anymore obscure for this morning (or before it's no longer morning [geeze!]) here's what I've been reading this morning:

We were talking about this Sunday night and into the early hours of monday morning and maybe it's just those darn hormones but wow this amazing blog seriously stirs up some maternal instincts. Beautiful writing and absolutely stunning photographs!

Aprons! Okay so this really is for Erin and Oz, but everyone can appreciate the subtle sexiness of aprons. Thanks angry chicken!


SWAPS!!! Many of you know that my newest addiction is swapping. There's a good variety of them out there. Who doesn't love snail mail? I'm mailing out my movie swap this afternoon. I hope to finish up my "My Favorite Things" swap package tonight and get it in the mail in the next two days. (hope you're excited Anne!!) Finished my matchbooks for a matchbox swap
via Swap-bot. (This one looks exciting ... if you can see it without an acct) Slowly trudging through my 100 positive affirmations swap, but there's time. Also doing an xmas cookie swap.

Wow, some serious ADD (or mania, ya know could be either) just kicked in at the same time that like 15 bazillion things needed to get done and I'm going to have to revisit this post later because i just made a to-do-list that included lists that I needed to make.

Well, looks like this is going to have to be a three-edit post. So much for blogging at work *sigh*. Ahem. anyways.
More links before i try to work:
Lightbulb Greenhouse
Indecision
Recycling Contest
Tara Books
badbuttons.com

Some favs from Etsy:
Kelliedrawspictures
littlepurls
carmencita878
hippyofdoomshoes

okay okay work now and later: swap-bot, etsy convos, headache meds (hopefully), cupcake photos, craftroom organization, photoshoot invite, organization, simplicity, and publicity, to name a few. As well as calling for a haircut, the bank, and mom back.


3rd edit:
Hue Test ( I didn't do so hot)

I really don't feel well. Made it home, but not to any sort of relaxation or releif. The animals are even being okay for a puppy and a cat, but I can't settle my thoughts and I can't seem to calm down. I feel sort of sick too, but stress can do that, of course. Didn't return any calls, but i'm really not in a patient, extroverted mood. Really want to get in the back room and organize and get to work on projects, but I'm procrastinating. I'm watching this show about this amazing family. I miss my family but I completely dread the stress of even calling mom back. Ugh.

I got an amazing matchbox in the mail!!!!!!

The Pink Potpourri's AMAZING giveaway this week!!

http://allieparkersthoughts.blogspot.com/2008/08/fgf-hot-mama-earrings.html

I'm completely addicted to The Pink Potpourri's blog lately. She has amazing give-aways, great posts to keep your brain working and the cutest header (lol, design nerd, I know). Not to mention I'm participating in her great swap!!!

Check out this week's give away at the link above!!!

---

Yay for the house!
Man, I wish the grass was mowed! Picture is pre-storms!

I feel squishy and not good. I'm getting eggs on the way home if i can. 

I'm freezing. I'm shaking and shivering and crying. I have possibly
the worst headache i've had all month. sorta makes you want to gouge
your eyes out. I would probably feel better if i could throw up.

I'm so emotionally overworked that i'm crumbling.

i need a warm, protective, quiet, dark bubble to live in for a few
years.

wordle

emotional, projects, househome

I'm very emotional lately and it's just really not conducive to work. It's become a Tegan & Sara, Stabbing Westward, Dashboard confessional sort of day. Yes folks, that sort of day. This gloomy weather and dreary outlook sort of suck. I'm in one of those moods where every single bite is a struggle. For example, i'd really like another cup of coffee. My eyes aren't really staying open and I'm definitely dragging, but all I can think about is the 80+ calories in it, the stains on my teeth, etc.

So like six hours later ... christ on a cracker! What an exhausting day this has become. :( and it's not over. I'm hungry (again). I really want to do some projects when I get home, but sinking into the couch with a tall glass of cranberry juice sounding good. I cut out patterns for this lovely mobile last night. I also finished making the costume for the part-timer so he can look like a HUGE job jacket (that's what we call our routing folders for jobs, too much jargon, sorry. Look here for a sort-of-example of the not-so-large ones). It's made from ribbon, t-shirt, and shower curtain-liner vinyl. It turned out that we didn't need it today because they rescheduled our creative in the courtyard. The rescheduling is good and bad. But whatever. I have a meeting in six minutes so this has to be shorter than i'd like. *pout* I'm stressed out! GRRRR!!!! I also cut out squares for the quilt-style rug that I'm making from scraps and old t-shirts for the floor of the craft room. It's sort of turned into a memory quilt just by the nature of the t shirts being used. What else did I do? Nothing last night, I don't think. I've got a huge folder of projects I'd like to get started on. Many of which involve getting new materials or tools so they're waaaaaaayyyy on the back burner due to funds. I'd like to construct a makeshift light/white box for close-up photography of the finished pieces so they can get on Etsy and possibly make me feel a little less useless. I picked up a bunch of new (to me) records @ an amazing $5-per-bag sale at Refuge House's Thrift Shop. Bowls, letter holders, rings, and jewelry to come. Oh! This weekend was very productive ... we finally grocery shopped, hung frames and a tapestry and a shelf or two, I made potholders (I'm forever burning my hands trying to use paper towels in their place) ahhhh late for meeeeting!!!

Oh my @#&*$%^#(%&*)(#% stars! That was a terrible meeting. Argh. Trying to let it gooo....

So yeah, I made potholders and there's other things i'd like to get to around the house like painting the furniture outside, recovering the (freecycle) couch (yay!). I'd love to sew a long-sleeved, knee-length dress for myself. I have some beautiful grey jersey fabric that could hang nicely on someone, but not me so maybe a practice one? I need to figure out how to fix the sink and finish caulking the bathroom (already knew how to do that). I'd like to make some soft pretzels from scratch and maybe some wheat bread too. I haven't done that in a while. I know this list is quite long, but there's other things too. Anyways. More later.


I think my hair has grown out quite a bit. hmmmm....

Talk about a day that makes you want to hide under your desk. 

*stomps foot in futile effort to make floor open up and swallow her whole* (i'm sad no one gets that anymore :( )

This tension in my chest is distracting. I can't focus and I'm really tired. 

Something positive ... i actually got a few things sorted and put away in the craft space yesterday. Small things but it's something. 

Once I'm able to take some time to photograph the things I have done. I want to try to clear out some old supplies by freecycling them, destash listings on etsy

okay i just thought that was thunder but it was a tree falling into the building or well onto the building. Right above my window. 

Not a great action shot but not easy to take from a monitor. It's creaking horribly and making the power flicker. Meep. I just hope it doesn't break into the window as it continues to fall. As if today wasn't iffy enough. Argh. 

Yet again, finances stress me out

It's really hard not to be frustrated with many situational sources of stress. I'm just not sure how to handle/deal with it all. Tonight I plan to burry myself in the craft room and organize/reorganize, group, and structure the space so that I can get some crafting going. I don't have much of an appetite for anything lately. Not that my waist minds, lol. But a little aggravating. Thought i'd be able to stash some savings away on this next paycheck but probably not. Sometimes it all seems so overwhelming. Few more days till pay day, but even that's not really going to help. I can't remember what day the next part of the security deposit is due. I need to get my shit together. Need to make appointments that I don't have the money for. Should refill prescriptions that I don't really have the money for. Want to do all sorts of fun things that I really don't have the money for. Gas, food, rent, utilities, etc. Argh. 

 My brain needs a jump-start. Or a reset button. Something to ...

Moved.

So we're moved. 

The back/craft room is the one room that's really still a mess. Which since it's my responsibility isn't really a surprise. 

I really (read really really really) like the house. Aesthetically it's coming together too, which is a plus. 

I've got a wish-list of tools and small things that I've got my eye on to keep my crafty-side efficient. It's nice to expand your skills, but sometimes that means you've got to expand your tools and unfortunately THAT means you've got to expend your money. 

I'm having an iffy day emotionally. Having trouble dragging myself out of this awkward sort of funk that's taken residence in my brain today. It never fails that mom succeeds in delivering an ego crushing blow ever so subtly. 

Finances are as tight as ever, but I'm doing my best to just keep focusing on the things that matter and not let it get in the way of day to day life. 

I think I should make some me time tonight. 

House warming-ish party soon, hopefully. 

playing at work tsk tsk

Some "pop art" and a box for my business cards made from my business cards. 

"day by day collision called the art of growing up"

I feel really run down today. I know i didn't sleep solidly but i don't know ... it's like my brain is still asleep. 

I'm tired. And tired of battling with my self. 

I would really like to lose a few pounds. But at the same time I want to scream at the urge "get out of my head! I can't deal with you in my life right now!!". Weird, but whatever. 

I feel like my scars are screaming at me. The sight of them is more than bothersome lately. And it's really adding to the stress I'm feeling (or creating in my head) about my parents coming up on Friday. I always regret the words. 

Ugh my eyes just don't want to stay open... :( 

I've got a list of projects that i want to do just for me, but when i have time (which seems to be rare lately) I like to use it to do things for people or things that can get to etsy. 

Projects are piling up in my inbox as I try to type this so I guess that's all for now 

*pout*

Breathe, please.

1:20

Okay. 

What's stressing me? What do I want to do about it? What can I do about it? What am I going to do to be able to continue working with this stress on my brain? 

What's my plan for packing tonight? For the rest of the week? For painting? 

Alright, first steps first. Lunch and then a mandala to chill out. On second thought, reverse that. 

3:21

Stressors: 1)Moving 2)Parents coming into town 3)Dog 4) Money 5) needing an outlet 6)Packing 7) did i say moving? 8) stomach

I've been keeping a little mental tally of the times SI has wandered across my brain and it's just not okay. The paging around here is obnoxious today!! I think I keep getting the hiccups from stress. Is that even possible? ARGH. My body is staging a rebellion ... I don't think it's the peaceful sort, either. I just want to like fast forward to a time when i'm on a real vacation with nothing to focus on except relaxing. Not even sure I could actually do that though, lol. I really like to eat lately and my body is showing it and I don't appreciate that. I'm so anxious I feel like I could go run around the building a few times. Maybe Odi can jog a bit with me tonight. My thoughts are so scattered! Bah! This is pointless. 4:43

motion city soundtrack "Everything is Alright"

Tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

Oh please tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

Give me a reason to end this discussion,

To break with tradition.

To fold and divide.

Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes,

Talking with strangers, waiting in line..

I'm through with these pills that make me sit still.

"Are you feeling fine?"

Yes, I feel just fine.

Tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

Oh please tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous

Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires

Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling..

Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire!

I used to rely on self-medication,

I guess I still do that from time to time.

But I'm getting better at fighting the future,

"Someday you'll be fine.."

Yes, I'll be just fine.

Tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

Oh please tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

Give me a reason (I don't believe a word)

To end this discussion (of anything I've heard)

To break with tradition (they tell me that it's not so hard)

To fold and divide (it's not so hard)

So let's not get carried (away with everything)

Away with the process (from here to in-between)

of elimination (the long goodbye)

I don't want to waste your time.

Tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

Oh please tell me that you're alright,

Yeah everything is alright.

(Alright)

Tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great)

Yeah everything is alright. (Everything's fine)

Oh please tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great)

Yeah everything is alright.

(Everything's fine) 

New Hair cut

I really don't know why the clock is so off when i post.

financial ickies

So here's the way it looks:

I hope I'll be able to pay our portion of the rent come august 1. That's fine and dandy, but that doesn't leave room for ANYTHING else. Gas, groceries, meds, doctors ... nothing. There's gas in the car and without any major trips and by not running the air, i think that can last. I haven't taken my meds in a couple weeks and i can feel the withdrawl. It's been awhile since i've made it to therapy but at nearly $100 a session, that's out of the question. I tried looking around for a group that would be cheaper or even free that met later in the day or something do-able but no luck. The only one i could find would require driving to. Whatever -- i can manage w/o therapy. I can take back the book that i bought yesterday to be able to pick up some groceries. I can wash the few clothes that i need by hand and just iron them. We'll have a washer in 18 days, that's really not that long to do wash by hand. I've got several things I could/intend to pawn and/or put up on craigslist and facebook marketplace. i have so much jewelry made, but don't have the listing fees for etsy or ebay. I could try the myspace page and at least invest some serious time (for lack of anything else to invest) trying virtual promoting. That leaves another electricity bill and white paint to round out getting us out of the apartment. That however, could take quite a bit of gas to get us back and forth ... the moving process. I think i'm missing some things that still need to be taken care of ...

I am completely and utterly irritable. I am angry and anxious and sweating and nauseated and really uncomfortable. Every sound feels liek someone driving a nail into my head. I have no patience am ready to freak out and it's not even 10 am. I'm not really sure what to do except just leave, go sleep and then at some point join the real world again. I'm just not convinced this place is for me.

25 things

25 things about you:

5 Fears-
1. Washing hands in public
2. Paramedics
3. Public speaking
4. People knowing i'm not capable
5. People realizing that i am really that messed up

5 Favorites -
1. Season: fall
2. Color: indigo
3. Time of day: very late night/very early morning
4. Icecream: homemade mint choco chip
5. Places: Marketplace in Florence

5 Hobbies -
1. Photography
2. Jewelry Making
3. Cooking
4. Making art
5. Reading

5 Not-so-well-known Things -
1. I have grey hair.
2. I think i'm really boring.
3. I was born very early.
4. I'm super insecure.
5. I have big feet.

5 weaknesses -
1. Math, specifically division. I <3 calculators.
2. Self esteem, the whole thing is pretty weak.
3. I have a hard time saying no to a challenge.
4. I speak my mind.
5. Food.



On a side note -- I stepped outside tonight to take the dog out. And while trying not to think too much I heard a Paul Simon song. My instinct was to curse the universe for rubbing it in my face, but i made myself think about it longer and decided that maybe it was the universe's way of telling me that it's alright and that it's okay to really let go.

A fresh space; a new place

So, I've created a new space for myself. With the recent path of things in my life, I need a bit of breathing room for my thoughts. And because I'm failing lately to create that even inside my own head, I've created a somewhat physical space for that here.

"I cannot do everything, but still

I can do something. I will not refuse to do

the something I can do."

—Helen Keller

I want to give myself permission to be really honest and really truthful about how i feel here. I want to give myself the freedom to be open about everything, even the bad times. I want to make a promise to myself to take time each week to do something just for me. It might be by myself & it might not. And that's okay. I want to be creative in my daily life. I want to find happiness from what i have and not find discontent with the things I don't have.

"Let there be peace in not knowing

all the answers."

I won't promise that things you might read here are all positive or that you might not worry about me from time to time, but it is real and that's a start in the right direction. I am very worried and hesitant as I start to fill this new space. In the past, a journal has been an outlet for the negative, but rarely a record of the positive and, in turn, I hesitated to share it with those who were/are important to me. I feel like that action, among many, has created a disconnect within myself. I am the sum of all my parts, good, bad and in between. I can't move forward with part of me. I cannot cultivate a healthy me without all of me.

"When you finally expose yourself

and let yourself be known,

the sky does not fall.

Instead, things begin to unfold;

miracles happen."

—Suzanne Falter-Barns

Hopefully I can write more tonight. I'd like to write an affirmation, address some basics, and run down this past week. I should start trying to recover some photos from teh internet since my computer crashed and took the photos with it.