Picture heay entry

I smiled today at someone in the hallway out of simple politeness and I realized I was really smiling and that I hadn't felt the feeling of genuinely smiling like that at someone. Yeah, I've smiled but it was different and in that context significantly different. Which, of course meant i promptly started to tear up and made a dash for the bathroom because I'm hormonal and my body's adjusting to meds which is all happening on top of the stress of a job where I feel like I'm failing constantly, ill family members, and an extra dose or two of the normal internal struggles and financial woes.

The first few days of getting back on track taking everything on time and as directed is rough. Your body has to adjust and sometimes things get worse before anything helps. Today I'm very tired, but still finding myself so fidgety that it's physically hard to sit still and mentally very difficult to concentrate on anything for too long. I woke up today with a couple itchy red bumps on my face and didn't think much of it ... assumed they were bug bites or something. But then as the day's gone on they're getting itchier and larger. My scalp is starting to itch too. My instinct is to say it's possibly caused by the medication, but I've been on it before for an extended period of time and never had this problem. It's getting pretty obnoxious. Hopefully some cortisone will help once I get home. Trying to hang on until I get home.

The fight(s) from last week are lingering somewhere within my heart. They resurface occasionally with a pang. They'll fade in time, I'm sure, but ouch. For me, they've resulted in a lot of insecurities and quite a bit of fear.

Today I really feel the need to create, but I'm very limited in that at work and I kinda have other plans tonight and I want those to be open to last as long as needed. So I thought I'd post some former artistic endeavors. More are on my flickr and my photobucket. Some repeat on facebook or myspace. Some just suck.

Sadi looking thoughtful near the lake

Glass sculpture

Geek Squad shirt mod. I wore it into work one day, that was fun



Part of the sequence you can see in the slideshow

Stenciled shirt.

Welcome to suburban Miami

Weird mopey portrait

An accidental play with focus, beautiful though scanned film

Les at the pond, scanned film


Ryan skates at dusk for a contrasty look that i kinda like (scanned film)

stylized Will

Original Design for the tat seen above

Not sure this animated gif is going to work, but i hope so...


I'm hanging up my wings, the halo has been gone for years:

Stormy approach

up or down?

Ben stamped

Bro merch shot


I have plenty more, but I want to leave it at that for now. Work work work.

I love him. Waking up next to him is calming, centering, and comforting.

I wrote this as soon as I got to work this morning, but haven't even
had a chance to click send until now.

Stress and the body

Stress does odd things to the human body. For most people the physical manifestations of stress fall within a realm of certain, predictable patterns. For me, those patterns cycle every few years depending on stress levels, hormones, medications, eating habits, and just plain timing. Sometime in middle school, around when we moved into the house that my parents live in now, my body's reactions to stress and anxiety became much more physical. My body gives me away, if you know what to look for. It betrays me. In middle school one of the worst symptoms was hives. Red, blotchy skin got itchy, swollen, and broke out into irritating, obnoxious hives that would combine with a corn syrup allergy to maximize my dismay. It eventually took a very strong prescription antihistamine to stop the ones that would pop up in my mouth or on my lips or on my tongue. It's been awhile since that cycle has been a regular part of my life, but I'm starting to see the warning signs again. :( Speaking of stress, it's been about two weeks now since I had a good, restful night's sleep. Today, it's really putting roadblock in my plan to focus more on the positive. I'm SUPER irritable.

We're headed out of town in hopefully (*fingers crossed*) less than an hour. My mom hasn't replied to any of my emails or texts today, letting her know what time we'll be getting there, but hopefully she's just busy at work. My paternal grandmother has been in the hospital for close to three weeks now and she might be getting to leave today. I plan to see her at least for a few minutes, if I can keep this returning cold away. I really want to see my dad's dog too. Her health is declining and I'm not sure that I'd want her to live that long, even if technically her body could make it. Layla's getting aggressive and losing her hearing and has alot of health problems that are making her life rough. The real reason we're going home is to attend the wedding-ish party of some friends. I met the bride when I was a little shy of 13 and we've amazingly managed to stay friends. I'm so excited for them!!! It should be fun. It'll probably be another weekend where I feel like I didn't have a weekend afterwards, but I can deal.

Feeling designy today

Not sure how I feel about any of these, but felt like playing with type and design today. Sort of embarrassed, really.

3/5/09

My brain feels foggy or fuzzy or some other word that is both muted
and disorienting. I'm really not sure if it's the medicine or the
sickness itself. I was reading the back of the box today for lack of
anything else to read while waiting for my computer to boot, and one
of the side effects is paranoia. WTF?!?!? Paranoia from cold medicine?
Dangerous stuff! Today was the third morning this week that I've seen
a wreck on the way to work. It really shakes me up. Images get stuck
in my head and sounds replay.

I'm nervous and edgy.

But also very excited to be accompanying FH to his first concert!!

It's really hard not to just get things in order and take mom up on
her offer. Actually, I'm seriously considering it.

far away

Sometimes, days like today happen. I don't mean for it to happen. It's
more difficult for me to fight it when I feel sick. It tends to fall
into a cyclical, nauseatingly redundant pattern. I get easily
offended. I get tired of my sickening clinginess. I hesitate to reach
out for fear of being rejected. In the end, I wind up feeling very
isolated and alone. And it's all my fault and I'm the one keeping ME
from doing something about it.